To stress the importance of his visit or wait and see?

[Lucia23]

I have an LDR partner, I'd say the relationship is a happy one despite the distance.

We generally see each other once or twice a month, in the run up to Christmas things have got busy and it has been less. I visited last.

My partner told me he just needed to get through key work things this month then he would visit for a week early December. I've been going through a hard time and the thought is keeping me going.

Tonight he says he's sorted a timetable change which would have meant he'd need to cancel the visit due to having to work. I said 'its great you've sorted it, I can't wait to see you' and he replied 'well I've submitted the timetable change, so hopefully.'

The way he talked, the visit sounded a sure thing. I am seriously considering ending the relationship if I don't see him before Christmas.

Do I tell him now this visit needs to happen or say nothing and if he cancels that's it?

Is this the poor PHD guy again?

He's trying to get it finished as quickly. As possible whilst also working so that when that's done he will have free time to see you and you are not happy because it's not NOW NOW NOW

You have no idea how hard these final stages are do you?

You might as well leave now as when he realises how selfish and unsupportive you are he will leave you if he has any sense.

OP, can you really describe him as a partner if you see him so little. October to the new year is a long time if you are only 3 hours away from each other and supposed to be a couple.

Do you really have a proper commitment to better yourselves as a team together and where you both believe in the end goal. Or do you feel he’s on one trajectory and you are on another and he selfishly just doesn’t care?

There are no rules that can be applied to advise on your dilemma. You have to gather the facts, form your own judgement on the facts and on your values and then believe in your own judgement.

If he is nearing the end of his education and needs time to complete it, then giving him ultimatums is self-sabotage. He needs encouragement. As a couple, you both have to make sacrifices for his qualification. You have to trust it will come right in the end and be patient.
If on the other hand, you feel he isn’t being honest and is just stringing you along with excuse after excuse then you really need to end the relationship, because in that scenario, ultimatums wont ever be effective either.

Three hours travelling isn’t that far but it’s a burden for you while you are struggling with other issues in your life. Can you try to find a day to travel to him to talk about it all again and to clear your mind. Reassure yourself he’s worth the wait or end it there and then. Only you can know and feel what’s right for you.

It’s horrible to live in doubt and be scared for your future when you feel so alone, so all the best to you for sorting out your plan.

@MildredSauce I don't think there's a need for personal insults about my 'emotional intelligence.'

And suggesting he isn't willing to visit because I seem 'exhausting' is below the belt. My current anxieties are a reaction to the situation. Thanks anyway.

@LAMPS1 thanks. You hit the nail on the head because I do feel alone.

I'm in a situation where I'm caring for a relative in a bad state and going home to an empty house at night. No hug or handhold at the end of it all.

When he is stressed or upset he mostly doesn't express it, so I don't know about it. Otherwise I regularly encourage his work efforts and deadlines although mumsnetters here don't see it.

The situation is that he is working full time at a university and finishing his phd, he has no time. Your situation is that you are caring for somebody who is at the end of their life, you have no time. You want him to be there as a support for you but he doesn't have the bandwidth for that right now. He wants you to be more understanding of how stressful his life is right now, but you are too needy to be able to offer that.

Either put the whole thing on pause and revisit it in spring or break up.

You again?! At least be honest when you start multiple threads about the same thing.....

@Snoken surely part of the issue is that he is setting and then breaking his own plans? I didn't ask him to come. He said he will come for a week and it was all sorted. He may be doing this in good faith but it's difficult when the plan is broken.

I agree with what you say. It's difficult to compromise in this scenario for both of us.

Not an insult, an observation.

Genuine question, what are you looking for, from these interactions with MN? As you change user names and alter the narrative as you go, it cannot be the honest truth, right? So what is it?

I stand by what I said: I think if you communicate with your guy the way you communicate with MN, he is probably rolling his eyes. It does feel exhausting!

But don't think I'm not "on your side". You are acting as a carer. You've also, if I recollect right, been promoted as a project manager at work and are off on a book tour next year. He's not giving you what you need. Finish it.

Am I right to think that it isn’t solely this change of plan that is making you consider ending the relationship? LDRs are really challenging and need “managing” in ways regular relationships don’t. When unexpected time commitments arise it’s not as if you can snatch an hour together here and there to keep some closeness going.

I think a lot of people who love each other end up finding the reality of LDR and the inevitable disappointments and loneliness too much.

If that’s where you are then maybe don’t address the issue while you’re understandably angry at this turn of events. Neither of you are at fault and if you’ve had enough, even though you love him, it would be better for both of you if you explained that calmly and kindly. I think if you end it crossly you will regret that at some point. After all, it’s LDR you’re angry at- the situation, not him. Maybe

I wonder if you are both in the same page .
You LTR
him FWB

This was also my thought, unfortunately.

Don't give him the ultimatum about if you don't see him you break up - you need to keep the ultimatum in your own head and just act on it if it happens. He doesn't come, you break up.

@Lurkingandlearning yes the reality has been different from what we first discussed.

I've visited a lot and we've also had some great trips together which has bonded us further. But then we're apart again and I think going through two (or soon to be two sadly) bereavements in a year have clarified that I need someone physically here at least some of the time.

I am a bit angry at him for not visiting more. But mostly just anger at the situation. I support him and his career 100%. I've no doubt he will be successful. Currently I'm not sure if his ambitions match up with the kind of relationship that makes me feel fulfilled.

@summersolsticesoon @pl228 well he says he doesn't do FWB or casual sex!

He's had one long term relationship and a marriage. I suppose that doesn't change the casual nature of this though.

Ah, OK, I remember the previous thread now, so with all the information, I'm changing my opinion.

Don't bother talking to him about it. It's pointless, he's just not that into you, I'm sorry.

I would end it, because a long distance relationship like this is a bit pointless. There's no progression, It's going nowhere, there's no plan or end-game when you will be together. Neither of you has the bandwidth to travel 3 hours, which isn't really that long-distance at all.

It's an illusion of a relationship, whereas you want a real relationship - and that's not needy. but you won't get what you want with this man.

Ah, you're the poster whose DP is submitting his PhD. You were given a lot of good advice on your last post, and people were helpful in working out your parameters/needs to communicate with your partner.
I thought you said you were planning to go and work from his for a few weeks, because your role was more mobile. Honestly, if he is working in a Uni, right now, until Christmas, everyone is on their knees, even without a PhD corrections submission. I get that it's hard, but this is the absolute worst time in HE.

You're expecting too much. He's busy. He's trying to fit you in. Thought he could but it hasn't work out. Disappointing? Yes. But not the end of the world.

I'm not a needy person so don't understand the pining for a hand hold or hug at the end of the day. He may possibly be the same.

If he still wants to see you at a later date, I personally can't see what the problem is.

Why are you relying on him for a hand hold or hug anyway? If that's what you need, don't you have friends and family locally that can help you with that?

If you're both totally different - you need to physically see him for the relationship to continue, he clearly doesn't - then cut your losses and go and find someone who has a more 'joined at the hip' approach to relationships. Not my way... but it looks like it's yours. Nothing wrong with that but it's never going to work if the other person just isn't like that.

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn I don't think I can have a partner that fits me in when he can when I am looking for a serious partnership.

I am currently a carer to my relative. She is nearing the end of her life and this is why I need a hug or affection more than usual.

There's an in between to being joined at the hip which doesn't interest me either. But you're right, I do need the physical side more, and it isnt forthcoming at the moment. It's tough.

Why do you keep changing usernames to start new threads saying the same thing?? You're using so much mental energy on this man, it's almost as if the drama is fulfilling some sort of need for you, it's weird.

You don't seem interested in any advice, just going round and round in circles obsessing about him and his behaviour. It's unhealthy.

So there's your answer. He's not meeting your needs... it's not the kind of relationship that suits you. So end it.

Glad you ended it last Saturday. Perhaps for ease of following, just the one thread would be better. People giving advice can see the progression, or lack of progression since November or March in one thread rather than 3 separate ones and then give advice based on everything.

He's really not into you as you ask for more, he just appears to want a casual relationship which is what it started with and no meeting his family, moving in or support when you are down or unemployed. He doesn't sound too much of a catch. He doesn't meet your needs and that's ok. There will be someone out there more suitable to you and your needs. Read all the answers you have had to all the different threads and try to avoid contacting him to restart it all up again.

Good luck.

I remember this thread and the Phd one. I thought she was a bit on the side and he had a family ..wife and kids …and couldn’t / wouldn’t get away at Christmas , obviously.

This poster has gad another thread deleted since they were a previously banned poster. Has multiple similar threads going.