To stress the importance of his visit or wait and see?

[Lucia23]

I have an LDR partner, I'd say the relationship is a happy one despite the distance.

We generally see each other once or twice a month, in the run up to Christmas things have got busy and it has been less. I visited last.

My partner told me he just needed to get through key work things this month then he would visit for a week early December. I've been going through a hard time and the thought is keeping me going.

Tonight he says he's sorted a timetable change which would have meant he'd need to cancel the visit due to having to work. I said 'its great you've sorted it, I can't wait to see you' and he replied 'well I've submitted the timetable change, so hopefully.'

The way he talked, the visit sounded a sure thing. I am seriously considering ending the relationship if I don't see him before Christmas.

Do I tell him now this visit needs to happen or say nothing and if he cancels that's it?

If you really want to see him it’s only 3 hours, arrange a day trip to see him, that won’t mean him missing days of work.

You can’t tell him he has to visit if he’s working

It sounds to me like he could see you more with a bit of effort. If he was in love with you, he’s jump on a train for 3hrs each way, just to spend 3hrs with you, as he hadn’t seen you for weeks, and he could tell you needed a hug. And vice versa, unless there are cost issues, nothing stopping you from doing it either. If none of you would bother to do that, maybe consider if this is worth pursuing. I think i’d be ok with a LDR as I have lots of friends and hobbies (youngest 16 now, so its time to do things for me) and I wouldn’t want to see someone all the time.

If he is so busy, why don't you get on a train and visit him? I know you visited last, but I don't think you need to be so transactional about things, if his work is busy and you have a day off.

I don’t understand you said the relationship is happy but you want to end it? It sounds like he is trying to make this week work but unfortunately some work commitments have come up which he is trying to change.

When I first met DP 11 years ago we were in a LDR, I used to finish work sometimes at 6pm on a Friday and get the train for an hour and half journey, stay one night and go travel 90 minutes back to start work again at 6pm (I worked day and night shifts).

DP used to travel the same journey and sometimes be waiting for me to finish work then do the same if we hadn’t seen each other in a couple of weeks, he’d meet me after work at 6pm, spend a few hours with me till I went to bed at 10pm then travel back the next day for work.

It wasn’t easy but both of us hated being apart and seeing each other every couple of months just wouldn’t be enough to make us feel secure and happy, after 2 years he moved to be with me.

Is there a reason you can’t visit your partner? Whilst he’s busy working you could put the extra effort in to see him and it sounds like it’d make you happy to spend time with him? I imagine it’s difficult to sustain a decent relationship when you hardly see each other. I think it’s unreasonable to pressure him if he’s genuinely unable to visit but you haven’t mentioned why you can’t go? Can you amuse yourself whilst he’s working?

What are your long term plans? As soon as me and DP knew it was serious between us we started discussing the future long term, if neither of us had wanted to move then I think I’d be feeling like you and questioning if the relationship was worth it.

It sounds like you need an open honest conversation without ultimatums, if you threaten to split if he doesn’t spend more time with you then you might find you don’t see him at all!

Talking to your partner is going to get you better results then posting on here, you are just going to constantly get the same comments and suggestions.

You want to commit to seeing each other more. He doesn't have the time to. You have been patient but it's clearly affecting your mental health.

I would end the relationship or accept you are unlikely to see him much until 2025 and see how it looks then. But currently you are looking for something that is not there.

I wouldn’t talk in terms of priorities. He needs to work to pay his bills. Would you prefer him unemployed?

Personally I’d take this one day at a time. Long distance relationships are not to be rushed.

Three hours travel time on the train is not LDR. People commute, less.

Agree with person who suggested he is not that into you.

Why can't you go and stay with him for a week? Is it because you have commitments where you live? Like he does.

If it's not this phd guy (which will end at some point) and it is a man with a job which takes over then I think you have to decide what you want and it doesn't sound like it's this.

My dh has what MN calls a Big Job that takes over. He's always been ambitious and he's worked his way up from absolutely nothing in the third world to the top of the business tree. I'm proud of him (we've been married for almost thirty years) and I love him and want him to do the thing that he loves to do but it's definitely a decision. One on the level of having children I would say based on the impact it has on your life.

Yes, it's affecting me. I don't feel like I can keep pushing that down.

People are asking why I don't travel there - I am looking after a sick relative nearing the end of life in weeks, or months.

I need him to take a turn. And honestly I just need a bloody hug. Isn't this part of having a partner, so you don't shoulder the hard moments alone?

It isn't in line with what I expected from. Before the LDR he gave the impression he'd be visiting more and made the distance seem like nothing at all.

The current reality is partly because his job needs him to be on site a lot, but on the other hand, why can't he come some weekend?

I think expecting someone to take a week off work in December is ambitious anyway. But have you actually asked him directly- id really like to see you, I know it's hard to get away for a real visit before Christmas but could you come down for an overnight/half day/weekend or whatever?

Unless he works 24/7 then there really isn't any reason he can't pop to you for a weekend . It's 3 hours , not 30. Sounds like excuses to me. Myself and my dh were long distance in two separate countries and it was a plane journey to meet up. We met every 3 months due to finances mainly but our goal was always to close the distance. Which we did within a year. What's the long term goal in your relationship?

@romdowa he is also working a lot on weekends during this busy period.

The point is he said we would make this work by working from each other's homes on the one hand. He's not on site at the weekend, he's working at home.

He did work from my place before his move, but he hasn't since. I don't know why and I don't understand why he cant work from here because I have the desk set up etc

@romdowa we need to discuss it. Due to his job it would be make that needs to move. I have strong roots where I live so it's difficult, but doable for the right person.

Sounds like excuses then I'm sorry to say. You need to have a discussion with him and you need to find out if this is sustainable and what the long term plan is and then go from there.

OP, you've posted about him before

Sorry, but he's just not that into you. If he wanted to see you more, then he'd make it happen somehow

Sorry about your sick relative. Stressful situation

@NeedToChangeName thanks, the situation is very hard.

We will see what happens. If the week has to be cancelled, I see no reason why he can't visit for a weekend. That would inspire a serious talk from my point of view.

I don't think you're weak at all. You've made a LDR work, which many people couldn't. If it's no longer working for you, you need to do what you have to do.

I'd personally have a conversation with him about it, and see what comes of that.

The distance is nothing at all. If you are in love with the person and are willing to compromise.

I recognise you now. Jesus you're exhausting.

@Lucia23 you never listen to any of the advice given on MN and you certainly never act on it. What a waste of goodwill. If you are this tedious with your guy, expect the lack of willingness to be down to your attitude.

You're on your way to being binned and it's completely on you.

@MildredSauce lack of willingness? I've gone to visit him for 1-2 weeks for the last two trips. Taken the financial hit for that as well, although arguably he covers food etc while I'm there.

Its not true that I haven't listened to any advice but I understand why that is your perception. I fully intend to discuss many of the things suggested to me when I actually see him.

I don’t know your posting history so I’ll just reply based on this current post.

from your point of view, he’s not putting in the effort to see you, he’s going back on his word and it doesn’t sound like he’s massively committed and doesn’t sound too upset about not seeing you. So yes, I’d probably end it in your shoes. I was once in a LDR and remember how disappointing and exhausting it was any time he would casually cancel a visit. It was a relief when he finally ended it and I’m hindsight I wish I’d broken up with him. If someone isn’t interested you can’t make them want to spend time with you.

from his point of view, if he has a lot of work on and you are essentially emotionally blackmailing him then I think he should end it. I get very stressed with work and there are certain things I have to do, and it annoys me if others have no understanding for this.

In conclusion, I thinks it sounds like it may not work out long term. Sorry.

@Lucia23 There has been no positive changes really since your last thread(s). You were then annoyed because he couldn't see you until this week in December, now he's saying he might not be able to make it that week either so things are going in the wrong direction. I think you need to just pull the plaster off and let him go now.

He's finishing up his phd whilst working as a university lecturer. He keeps telling you he's too busy to be able to entertain you either at yours or his place but talking to you seems to be like talking to a wall. Nothing goes in you are just going in circles trying to figure out why he doesn't have time for you when it's so blatantly obvious to everyone else.

There is zero point in starting this thread and give only a small portion of what is actually going on in his life just so that you get a bunch of sympathy from readers. Give the full story and eventually you might understand where he's coming from.

Take a huge step back from him, your expectations on him are not conduicive to his actual life. He seems to be scared to tell you this so instead he's fading you out.

I meant lack of willingness from him. I'm seeing a man who is not invested in you in any way shape or form. I'm pinning it on you, based on your exhausting communication style.

The one thing I am surprised about is the fact you are on your way to becoming a successful author. I would have expected more emotional intelligence from someone with that background.