How to you ‘thaw’ prickly people?

[snowdropsy]

My younger sister (age 27) is currently ‘prickly’.
She’s moved back in with mum and is going through a lot: breakup, had to leave her flat, change of job, a few health issues. She’s snappy and irritable and a bit uncooperative (like a teenager).

I know it’s cause she’s unhappy with her situation, but she REFUSES to talk about it. “Having a heart to heart” isn't really an option sadly, even though it’s what she needs, she will not allow herself to be vulnerable. And she is very defensive, if I say anything, it will be perceived by her as either “criticising her” or “patronising her”. It feels like I can’t win.

I find the atmosphere tense around her and it’s getting to the point where I’m anxious about being around her, which is not what I want our relationship to be like. We got on really well up to about 2 years ago, which is when this began.

How have others dealt with people / relationships like this, where one person just shuts themself off from you and is touchy about everything?

Maybe she’s touchy because you keep trying to talk about her situation instead of just spending quality time?! Sounds like you are part of the problem here…

She's having and had a really rough time. Just keep being kind to her, don't react to her prickliness she will come out the other side and you need to be there to catch her

I’m like that around my mum and my sister. Less so my mum nowadays.

Are you guys actually close? My sister thinks we’re close and so then when she tries the whole ‘heart to heart’ thing I find it really jarring and invasive and very fake.

In my 20s and sometimes still now tbh my mum is critical and patronising. So maybe you actually are to her (as you mentioned in your OP), maybe that’s how she perceives it?

I have only tried twice in two years! I’m not pestering her all the time. I can just tell that it wouldn’t be welcome.

I guess this must be how she does perceive it, what am I supposed to do about it though? I am not being fake, I am being 100% genuine with her. Maybe she just doesn’t like me any more, but it’s a bitter pill to swallow.
What could your mum or sister do, for you to warm to them again?

I'm the same as her. Not sure why but I just don't want to talk to my family when I'm hurting. I brushed off my miscarriage when they wanted me to talk about it, a break up, all sorts. I prefer to wallow alone and then get over it quickly in my own head

I think maybe I’m your sister here. I’m not sure there’s much you can do as with me the more you try the more I’d push you away. I think just be kind and understanding and continue to try if you’re able to but if you’re not you’re not. Eventually I think she’d come around but it might take years. I hate showing vulnerability or failure in any way and it makes me distance myself from others.

It’s not about the mum or the sister, thinking about it. It’s about me (your sister in your case!) Things improved with mine and my mum’s relationship massively when I was left to just get on with things and sort myself out (which I did very early and successfully so no need for her to even interfere in the first place!! 😤).

My sister (older, of course 🙄) just…. I dunno, she’s fine…. Just probably the nature of being an older sister. Just quite patronising but she thinks she’s admiring me but it just sounds like ‘oooh, look at you, look how far you’ve come, aw, you’ve done so well’… like she’s talking to a puppy or something. That vibe!

It’s like, why did you even doubt me and my abilities in the first place?? There was no need?
Does your sister maybe not respond well to pity/concern….. it’s like you’re painting her as incapable…? Just a thought. I despise that and just want to do life things on my own.

I can be a self confessed prickly person when people give me a reason to be / I want to be left to it. Especially when people go offering solutions to what they perceive to be ‘issues’ when they’re not wanted, nor needed.

My advice is do the opposite of whatever you’re doing. It’s not on you to decide she needs to open up and be vulnerable. Take her at face value and have simple, un emotional exchanges and the worse that will happen is that she’ll become safe in the space and will round off the prickly edges whilst maintaining a degree of separation.

Best case scenario the walls will come down a bit and she might let you in as you’ll become a non confrontational, safe space.

If I’m prickly, I just want left to my own devices and people to keep their noses out my business.

She's not ready to talk to you, and you've framed that as her not liking you any more.
Are you absolutely sure that her talking to you has never backfired on her in the past?

I know it’s cause she’s unhappy with her situation, but she REFUSES to talk about it. “Having a heart to heart” isn't really an option sadly, even though it’s what she needs, she will not allow herself to be vulnerable.

She doesn't have to be vulnerable, she doesn't have to have heart-to-hearts and she doesn't have to talk about her situation if she doesn't want to. It sounds like you're fixated on the idea that talking it through and finding solutions will be beneficial to her. Maybe it would work for you but her prickliness is telling you she doesn't think it would work for her. Maybe she'd rather you take her mind off things by talking about something light-hearted or frivolous. Maybe she wants to focus on her interests or hobbies and not her health or lovelife or job. Maybe she's prickly because you insist on bringing the conversation round to the heavy stuff that depresses her.

Treat her to a night in the cinema. Afterwards talk about the film.
If she doesn’t ask for help or advice don’t give it but you can support her in other ways.

To be fair op it’s a lot to go through, you need to relax yourself and just let her get there. Maybe try and have some nice times or something

I agree with some of the previous posters.
Just spend quality time with your sister. Do something fun.

Perhaps she will suddenly open up, and talk. Or not.
But she will know that you want to spend time with her.

Lovey , she probably hates everyone including herself at the moment. Some good advice on here. Do you share any interests ? x

For whatever reason that heart to heart connection isn't there with you right now.
Maybe it was and now it isn't.
Maybe it will be again one day, maybe it won't.

Stop trying to force the connection, as it is right now, to be what you hope it to be.

Concentrate on what does work and what you've got.

Is the best way you connect together right now very low key things? Such at you offer her to lend her a brolly when it's raining, she says ta... And that's it. Nothing dramatic but small exchanges that are tension free...

Or maybe there's something a bit more meaty that works.... You both enjoy a programme and can watch it together without being annoyed the other person is there. Maybe even have a small conversation about it...

Basically whatever interaction you can have with her, that isn't a 'planned chat', but is spontaneous and works ok, no drama or tension for you both, is what you need to allow space for, no strings attached.

If you honour those real moments she will appreciate that positive relationship, even if it's small fry in the grand scheme if things and it will allow for the potential for it to grow into more in the future.

Keep pushing for something that's not there right now. Or pounce when the going is good to grab that conversation you're going for, so any relaxed moment is paid the price for in owing a chat... And you'll create distance.

Leave her alone.
Give her space and time and grace to rest, recuperate and heal herself.

What does she like to do? Can you start going to a yoga class together, watching a tv series together, going shopping meeting up for a coffee?

I think you need to build trust and positive experiences before you attempt a heart to heart conversation.

I’d much rather my sister suggested an activity together, was good company and made me laugh and relax than have an intense heart to heart about things I was struggling with. Just spend time doing something joyful. She needs you to like being with her cor who she is not how you think she ought to be. It sounds as if you really care about her OP so I hope you can find a good way forward. Sisterhood can be a very special bond.

I think just don't bring up any of the heavy stuff unless she does. You could try inviting her to go for a drink/shopping/something else she likes. If she doesn't want to, then let her know the offer still stands in the future if she changes her mind.

My sister is like this at the moment. Whatever I do I can’t get it right so I’m just leaving her to it now.

It sounds like you are trying to force something that she’s not ready for. She clearly wants to deal with this on her own terms. Let her manage it he way.

You seem to be imposing your approach on her without stopping to think about whether it’s right for her. Back off a bit and give her some space. She will come when she’s ready.

You try to make them feel better about themselves. So avoid any messaging that there's a problem (no sympathy unless it's clearly sought, no advice, no criticism) seek out things to praise about them and positives about their lives. Be subtle though as you don't want to patronise. Ask her opinion, ask her advice where relevant to shift the dynamic aware from successful sister/unsuccessful sister. Be cheerful and positive. But have your boundaries in mind, you are not there to be rude to or to be an emotional punch bag, so know when to walk away from bad behaviour.

Thank you, this is really helpful. She sounds quite similar to you, in that she values her independence very highly indeed. She also definitely hates to be seen as in anyway incompetent or needing help and gives out the vibe of just wanting to get on with stuff on her own.

I have to be honest, I feel hurt and rejected by this attitude towards me 🤷‍♀️ .