How to you ‘thaw’ prickly people?

[snowdropsy]

My younger sister (age 27) is currently ‘prickly’.
She’s moved back in with mum and is going through a lot: breakup, had to leave her flat, change of job, a few health issues. She’s snappy and irritable and a bit uncooperative (like a teenager).

I know it’s cause she’s unhappy with her situation, but she REFUSES to talk about it. “Having a heart to heart” isn't really an option sadly, even though it’s what she needs, she will not allow herself to be vulnerable. And she is very defensive, if I say anything, it will be perceived by her as either “criticising her” or “patronising her”. It feels like I can’t win.

I find the atmosphere tense around her and it’s getting to the point where I’m anxious about being around her, which is not what I want our relationship to be like. We got on really well up to about 2 years ago, which is when this began.

How have others dealt with people / relationships like this, where one person just shuts themself off from you and is touchy about everything?

This.

If it's someone I care about and want to maintain a relationship with, I let their bad behaviour go if they're going through a tough time.

I just ignore it and pretend it's not happening. I don't bring it up with them or try to talk about it, unless they want to.

Just reading through these replies now.
So many of you can understand how my sister feels. It’s very helpful to get this perspective, so thank you.
I am definitely a talk-it-through sort of person. I can’t sit with things hanging over me or cope with an atmosphere, I have to get things out in the open.
Seems like my sister just deals with stuff in the opposite way to me.

In my non expert opinion...

You think she needs a heart to heart and some advice from you.

She knows you think that and that is the last thing she wants. Prickles are her barriers.

Accept her as an equal, trust her, stop pitying or judging her.

Exactly. The worst thing you can do is bombard her with concern or creep around trying to get her to like you. Back off, be civil and unemotional, get on with your life, and stop trying to get her to do what you think she should do. Not having an agenda is much the best plan.

2 years ago isn't recent. Maybe she is moving on but you always take her back to the past?
I wouldn't be amused if my sister kept bringing up a bad time and heart break for me from 2 years ago. Can you try talk about common ground, I don't know Xmas plans? A Christmassy day/night out and not bring up losing her flat and relationship 2 years ago?

My sister used to be like this. I found I could only really talk about tv programmes and books with her for a while - steer clear of news and other people (anyone at all). Absolutely anything that could in any way be construed as an attack on her or her values was construed as exactly that. She was such hard work. Thankfully she has now moved past that stage and is genuinely good company.

Its not you its her having a hard time. Try badge supportive and it will pass.
Take her out for a walk (and chat!) or go out for a few drinks (and chat)? X

She has had a few shitty life events and is understandably prickly. I wouldn't talk to her about it - it won't solve anything in practical terms. And it won't help emotionally either because it's clear she doesn't want to talk about it.