Trapped in loveless relationship with children

[sw16rover]

First time on Mumsnet so forgive the lack of lingo and rambling. I know this is a female centric forum but I'm desperately seeking opinions on if it's right that I just put up with it for the sake of the children, or leave, and probably be portrayed as the villain for doing so, and possibly hated by my children.

My partner and I have been together for over 20 years after meeting while travelling. To cut a long story short I think she thought I was a fling - back then I never felt it was serious for her - but after returning to the UK I made an effort, because I liked being with her.

One thing led to another and before we knew it we'd moved in together, bought a flat, and now have a house and three children, who I adore.
The truth is I'm now accepting) she was never into me. I was just around. We had fun, but more as acquaintances. I always knew this deep down, but now I have given up trying.

There's never been any intimacy in our relationship.I instigated everything and more often than not got the "it's me not you line" when she wasn't interested. We only had sex when she thought she might get pregnant. And even then she’d stop me because "she might lose control" and abruptly end it. I'm ashamed to say it but I could tell when this was about to happen and I'd just cum to at least feel something. I've tried being affectionate, passionate, loving but there's nothing back.

She just doesn't fancy me and it's gotten to the point when it's mutual. You may say it's because she has "x" issues, but I've read love letters to old boyfriends, and I know about her past, so I don't accept this.

It's not just sex. I can't think of a single moment when she proactively showed me affection and said that she loves me. Yes, it's written in a Valentines or birthday card - and this is no word of a lie on more than one occasion she has got me cards for girls/women. One year she bought me womens perfume as a present! It sounds stupid but this just rams home to me how little effort she puts in and the respect she has for me. I know it sounds trivial.

I've buried away millions of examples over many years but there's just no respect between us anymore. What really brought it home to me - and this is going to sound even more stupid - is that she spends hours a day looking at Instagram. I sent her a couple of funny reels as a way of bonding but she can't be bothered to watch them. Even taunting me that she doesn't care.It's symptomatic.

She’s always complaining about how she hates her life. How others have more than her. I have to walk on eggshells, and woe betide if I ever disagree with her. She blames everyone else for what is wrong in her life. She never takes responsibility.

I do ALL the childcare. I do ALL the housework. I do about 90% of running the house. I feel like she feels like she could have had more. And now I think the same.

This has been a long time coming but I have always known it. I know it's needy but I love being loved and I like sex and need this in my life. I’m ashamed to admit I have cheated to have both. To be wanted and feel passion. And been found out. But this looms over me like an axe and she uses it as such.

In recent days I‘ve become very depressed. I spend too much time alone and am beginning to resent her as much as she does me. So much so I've almost comically started mirroring her behaviour towards me. Her response has been to scream at me about how she has done nothing. And blaming me for being her. Childish I know, but she is a classic narcissist.

Now, I'm just tired of it. I'm in my late 40s now and I'm just depressed. I'm just so sad she never loved me.. We've got three amazing kids that I just adore and can't imagine not living with and being in my life.

This is not a midlife crisis. I just have to man up and make a decision for the sake of the girls. Do I stay or do I go?

They will be happier if I stay, their lives will be better and fuller and I am happy to forgo my happiness for them, but I just dont think I can subject them to live with her toxic, abusive behaviour. This is tearing me up inside, and hurting her as well, so maybe it's best for her if I just go?!

I’m sure I will move on, but she won't and will use this to poison my relationship with my children.

I am inclined to just bury it and put on a brave face. What do I do?

For the love of Christ split up and give both of you a chance at happiness.

Probably just split.

Curiously have you ever had counselling ? What would her view of the relationship be if she came on here and burst her feelings out (without thinking you were reading ) what would her side of it be??

a few similarities to you in my marriage and a few things my husband could have written about us. If I read his version of it I would be a bit cross and want to say hang on a second, this is how it is from the other side of the fence

How old are the kids?

she sounds god awful.

there is something to be said for staying to protect the children until they can leave

Please go and get some counselling, with her if she will agree, or on your own. You sound full of self pity, and woefully short of the responsibility-taking that you expect from your wife. 'Before we knew it we had a house and 3 children' - come on, that was down to you as much as her. No doubt you are in a bad relationship, but that takes two.

OP fyi mumsnet on the whole won’t ever accept that women can be the toxic ones in a marriage

I'd suggest counselling and get everything out in the open.

If you want to try to make it work- counselling. If suggesting that to her makes her want to end it too then maybe that's for the best. You can't continue like this, it sounds like you're both spending too many years wanting something else, and you can both get what you want.

Your children will be happier in 2 happy homes than in 1 sad home, don't prolong the agony for their sake. Fix it or change it💐

It’s time to leave. Nothing worth salvaging here by the sounds of it. How old are the girls? This will make a difference in terms of how they take the split.
You need to think of your future happiness instead of limping on in this car crash - it’s no life is it?

Does she work? Are you married?

I think you have to leave OP. You'll get more and more miserable otherwise. This relationship is dead.

She sounds awful 😖 you'd be better off splitting and sharing care of the children. You'll both be happier apart.

Poor you.

Through no fault of your own, you've found yourself in a 20 year relationship. You spend all your time cleaning and doing childcare while she scrolls Instagram.

You managed to have three children in a sexless relationship. You couldn't help cheating and she screams at you, blaming you for everything. Unlike you, she doesn't take responsibility for anything.

Sounds horrendous, what can you do but separate.

You need to split up. Your poor little girls are growing up with no example of what a healthy relationship between adults looks like. You might think they don't notice but you are doing them a disservice

How does she behave towards your children? How old are they?

I know it is very daunting but you need to spilt up, the only thing keeping you there is your children and for them in the long run its better you spilt up. Our friend, also in his late 40s spilt from his wife and yes, it was very nasty at the beginning but a year down the line they're both doing okay, both have met other people and are respectful towards each other, something we never thought we'd see. I wish you all the best x

I'm sorry for your loveless life but no one "ends up" in a 20 year relationship with a mortgage and 3 kids. Having unprotected sex, buying a property and staying with someone , these are active choices you have made. You. I think there's a bit of history being re-written. If she never said she loved you, or you felt she didn't mean it when she said it, why make those active choices?

You're happy to cheat on her, but hesitating splitting up?

She sounds insufferable, just go. Your kids will be happier to see you happy.

Separate, this is no example to set to your children about what a relationship should look like. You could be having a relationship with someone who wants to spend time with you, who cares for you and who loves you. Look into dividing everything up, you don't need to lose access to your children, courts will favour 50/50 these days for continued contact.

See a solicitor as a Christmas gift to yourself. Most offer 30 minutes free advice.

If what you're saying is true, that's going to be a real wakeup call if she gets custody! Sounds like she's been living life on easy for a lifetime.

I dont see why you should leave if you do 90% of the home errands. Why are the men expected to walk? Could you see a counsellor to help you and give you confidence to deal with this? She really seems nasty and it feels like she is using you. I don't think you need an outside relationship or escapism. I think you need your own room in your home, and to focus on co-parenting. You need to be business like with her and focus on your children. No grovelling looking for love from her. Could hse have a personality disorder?

You have to wonder how a marriage, a mortgage, and 3 DC could just happen, don't you. As though they just showed up one morning, without your input or consent, and there was nothing you could do about it.

Come on. Grow up. You knew what you were doing, after the first DC for sure, and you went along with it because it suited you to have a woman doing the shitwork and in your bed. If she is such a horror, then going on to have 3DC and exposing them to her is on you.

End the relationship already without all this melodramatic breastbeating about how everyone will hate you. If anyone hates you it'll be because you cheated and acted like you had no agency in your own life, not because you made a decision to end a relationship cleanly. Men do what you do every fucking day, and they don't end up as social outcasts.

You will see your kids 50% of the time, unless they are teens and can choose to do otherwise. That’s not the worst thing in the world - you can make your 50% absolutely brilliant for them.

Why do you think they would take her side? How old are your girls?

Here is what I would do: stop provoking her, be as sweet as sugar, and create a happy atmosphere - just let her have her way. Get through Christmas. Then in mid January, tell her you want a divorce And meantime make your plans to leave - consult a solicitor, think about whether you can afford to leave the family home or need to stay until the divorce is completed, figure out your finances. And if you can, talk to friends and extended family about your situation - any siblings or parents? Their support and love will help.

Remember this is not just a “loveless” relationship - it is a relationship in which your wife (dw) is horrible to you. Unkind, thoughtless, selfish, volatile, irrational, abusive.

In the long run there is no peace for you in this relationship- you may feel stuck with her once the girls grow up and leave, getting more and more unhappy until you either split up or die.

Also consider if she’s having affairs. I think it is extremely likely I am sorry to say.

Women often justify it to themselves by demonising their dh in their own minds. Spinning a fantasy of how horrible their dh is, to help live with the guilt.

My brother (db) had a wife like this - 100% self-obsessed . She spent all their savings on herself, not really interested in her kids, and eventually shagged another man. She screeched and screamed at my db throughout this period, escalating angry outbursts. She wanted someone richer, and someone to worship her.

They divorced when db found out about the affair and his ex was utterly despicable throughout the divorce- phoning him at midnight and screaming at him, literally spat at him at handover of the kids on a few occasions because he refused to leave the family home as he wanted to give the kids stability she couldn’t offer.

But good news everyone is now much happier, including her. DB remains single but has had 50:50 care of his kids and they adore him. Kids have never blamed their parents, who were shielded from the worst of it.

You are wrong.

you stay and create a family because that’s your dream, and you convince yourself it is just a tricky phase.

Because you think it will get better.

Because you’re in love with an idea of what it could be like.

Because you are afraid of change.

It’s sad you’re so unhappy. Hang on in there though. Your children need you more than you need an affectionate partner right now. There’s plenty of time for love, romance and fun when they are old enough to be more independent. Ideally when youngest is 18 and off to college but definitely as long as you can manage. They’ll thank you for it in the long run. It’ll be much better I every regard to have you fully in their lives. Your in a way better position than a woman in the same situation. It’s a tedious (for us women) fact that men have excellent prospects after divorce re romance and sex. Age doesn’t affect your chances in the way it does for us. You’ve got everything to look forward to. It’s just a matter of time. Love your kids as much as you can, enjoy every moment with them and it’ll fly by. The present wife is just a coparent and it will help you enormously to just accept this. Start getting your ducks in a row and dreaming of the life time of love you’ll inevitably get later on. It’s well worth being properly in your darling childrens lives though until then. You’ll have lots of love affection and romance I’m sure. They’ll only ever have the one chance of a dad who’s always there for them though. People often underestimate the enormous importance of this.

Why would she get custody? It’s more likely it will be 50:50