Trapped in loveless relationship with children

[sw16rover]

First time on Mumsnet so forgive the lack of lingo and rambling. I know this is a female centric forum but I'm desperately seeking opinions on if it's right that I just put up with it for the sake of the children, or leave, and probably be portrayed as the villain for doing so, and possibly hated by my children.

My partner and I have been together for over 20 years after meeting while travelling. To cut a long story short I think she thought I was a fling - back then I never felt it was serious for her - but after returning to the UK I made an effort, because I liked being with her.

One thing led to another and before we knew it we'd moved in together, bought a flat, and now have a house and three children, who I adore.
The truth is I'm now accepting) she was never into me. I was just around. We had fun, but more as acquaintances. I always knew this deep down, but now I have given up trying.

There's never been any intimacy in our relationship.I instigated everything and more often than not got the "it's me not you line" when she wasn't interested. We only had sex when she thought she might get pregnant. And even then she’d stop me because "she might lose control" and abruptly end it. I'm ashamed to say it but I could tell when this was about to happen and I'd just cum to at least feel something. I've tried being affectionate, passionate, loving but there's nothing back.

She just doesn't fancy me and it's gotten to the point when it's mutual. You may say it's because she has "x" issues, but I've read love letters to old boyfriends, and I know about her past, so I don't accept this.

It's not just sex. I can't think of a single moment when she proactively showed me affection and said that she loves me. Yes, it's written in a Valentines or birthday card - and this is no word of a lie on more than one occasion she has got me cards for girls/women. One year she bought me womens perfume as a present! It sounds stupid but this just rams home to me how little effort she puts in and the respect she has for me. I know it sounds trivial.

I've buried away millions of examples over many years but there's just no respect between us anymore. What really brought it home to me - and this is going to sound even more stupid - is that she spends hours a day looking at Instagram. I sent her a couple of funny reels as a way of bonding but she can't be bothered to watch them. Even taunting me that she doesn't care.It's symptomatic.

She’s always complaining about how she hates her life. How others have more than her. I have to walk on eggshells, and woe betide if I ever disagree with her. She blames everyone else for what is wrong in her life. She never takes responsibility.

I do ALL the childcare. I do ALL the housework. I do about 90% of running the house. I feel like she feels like she could have had more. And now I think the same.

This has been a long time coming but I have always known it. I know it's needy but I love being loved and I like sex and need this in my life. I’m ashamed to admit I have cheated to have both. To be wanted and feel passion. And been found out. But this looms over me like an axe and she uses it as such.

In recent days I‘ve become very depressed. I spend too much time alone and am beginning to resent her as much as she does me. So much so I've almost comically started mirroring her behaviour towards me. Her response has been to scream at me about how she has done nothing. And blaming me for being her. Childish I know, but she is a classic narcissist.

Now, I'm just tired of it. I'm in my late 40s now and I'm just depressed. I'm just so sad she never loved me.. We've got three amazing kids that I just adore and can't imagine not living with and being in my life.

This is not a midlife crisis. I just have to man up and make a decision for the sake of the girls. Do I stay or do I go?

They will be happier if I stay, their lives will be better and fuller and I am happy to forgo my happiness for them, but I just dont think I can subject them to live with her toxic, abusive behaviour. This is tearing me up inside, and hurting her as well, so maybe it's best for her if I just go?!

I’m sure I will move on, but she won't and will use this to poison my relationship with my children.

I am inclined to just bury it and put on a brave face. What do I do?

@DreadPirateRobots this is fairly unkind. I am sure OP knows he isn’t blameless, as he has indicated he has started arguing back which isn’t helpful.

But I don’t think he has mentioned an affair.

And he said he does more than his share of work in the home - which probably means he’s doing around half of all the work (as my dp would say the same but he’s no idea how much I actually do!) 😂

100% this. You think it’s better for the kids if you stay but it’s really not - you’re just condemning them to live in a miserable household (and they’ll know, however much you think they won’t, and they won’t thank you for it). Good luck.

Didn't you read his post? He admits cheating.

I am not impressed by anyone who acts like major life decisions in which they are indisputably involved just sort of happened to them. You do not stay with someone for twenty years, three kids and a mortgage by accident. Someone in that situation has made active choices and needs to own them.

But they are all still CHOICES you make. They aren't accidents that happen to you. Sorry if you have experienced something similar but these are all choices that adults make.

Exactly this. I made the same point earlier on and LunaCoyote said that I'm wrong. I'm not wrong in that they are all choices people make!

Your relationship is dead, you need to leave for the sake of the kids, you're both setting an awful example of what a relationship looks like.

Thank you for the responses, advice and opinions! It's been a real eye opener on the culture here! To summarise the many threads and questions asked.

• I'm under no illusion I am complicit in this mess. I100% accept I did not walk away when we moved in together, or when having children because that's what I wanted. I think I knew deep down I wasn't "the one" for her but I wanted to be, and thought that it would change. It didn't.
• The children were not a "bandage", we both wanted them and I love my children more than anything. We genuinely have fun together when we spend time together on things like holidays. It destroys me that this could end. On the surface everything can be rosy.
• The issue is that I've done everything in terms of feelings and lifes practicalities and I NEVER got anything back from my partner. In fact the opposite is true. I do not crave praise but it would be nice to not be criticised because I haven't had time to get dinner ready, or be upset when I've got dinner prepped and then be told someone is going out for dinner. All it takes is an I'm sorry once in a while but its always defensive, then attack and my fault. Look at the way she screams at me when I am upset. She doesn't want to know why I am down, butto stop because it upsets her. Everything is left to me to organise but if she does the slightest thing she needs acknowledging for it and will tell everyone! She is like this with everyone including her own family.
• There is a performative element to her where she asks "how has your day been" but she has no interest. I know she cant name a single one of my colleagues. It's just to be able to respond with "are you not going to ask how my day was". The other side of this is she will tell me stuff about her colleagues, their debauchery and bad behaviour but if i tell a similarish story I get criticised. Or even slated for wanting to behave like that.
• I'm not proud that I cheated but I won't lie. l liked feeling wanted and desired for a change. Having someone just ask you to fuck them rather than going through this whole rigmarole of pussy footing around to see if she can tolerate you enough that you don't feel like a rapist for wanting vanilla missionary sex is exhausting.
• That time it was just pure sex - to do something wild with the lights on and get out of my system. The other was more serious. This work colleague was a few years younger than me and genuinely cared for me. She saw how down I was and I was. She listened and was warm and soft and I just didn't feel on edge around her.
• The children are in primary and secondary school and are my world. I'm lucky enough to work from home so I spend a lot of time with them. That is what scares me about leaving. My partner will not be around and to be fair to her cannot devote the time I do because of her job. In a pragmatic rational world they would 100% be better living with me.
• I think she may have cheated and may be doing so. She spends far too much time on her phone to just be looking at Insta. I recently had a friend say they saw her in a pub when she said she was still working. It was next to her work and I have done this so I can't complain. The difference is I would want her to spend time with friends whereas I would be criticised for being out. A year ago I would have been heartbroken she was deceiving me but now I do not care.
• I think I'll be fine if I leave, but I am not the concern. You would be really surprised how desirable you become once people see how you look after children! It just scares me how toxic she will be around the children and when I am not there and poison them against me. She is very bitter and I know will spend her time maliciously trying to destroy my connection to them.
• Having read up on this and sought advice she displays textbook toxic abuse from a narcissist. She will complain about everything, then when I get the balls to leave i get the emotion, then its turned off again. It feels like just being kept on a hook. I am well aware that if I stop playing her games she will have nothing to feed off.
• I would give her the house so as not to disturb the children, but want a minimum of 50/50 custody. It would be hard to get a new place of equal size but I would work my arse off for them.
• I do not give two hoots about being a social outcast. I know a few dads who have been through similar things. Their partners had this idea Bradley Cooper was just waiting to sweep them up, or a young guy at work showed them some attention and they felt wanted so ended relationships. Pretty much every Dad is seeing someone new and is happy and each mum is having affairs with the parents of ther childrens friends!

Next steps, I'm going to be functional up to Christmas, then suggest counselling (which she will explode at and say I need it), and if she doesn't want that reassess.

I think my desire for a proper relationship is over now and that fantasy crushed which I can live with, but my will to be the best dad for my girls remains as string as ever so I will likely stay around and just tough it out and if she wants to leave so be it. There is alwways the pub and pornhub!.

Anyway, I'm not sure I have the time to be on here all day so thank you.

I genuinely have to go an pick up the little one from school.

Peace and love.

Just split.

You’re totally making the right decision. Plenty of years for perfect relationships once your girls have stopped needing you. Have the perfect relationship with them instead for now. They’ll thank you from the bottom of their hearts eventually. You’ll have saved them from being the product of an acrimonious divorce and only half there dad. People hate admitting it but that always significantly damages kids.

Just to give you more context if you need it....

I found out earlier that a teacher at my child's school may have been looking up skirts and touched a pupil inappropriately. My child told my partner yesterday, and my partner was told by another parent at parents evening last night.

BUT because i had stayed out of her way she couldn't be bothered to tell me.

When I found out about the potential child abuser, and what we should do, and why she had not told me, she shouted at me for referring to my children as my children, not "our" children.

Jesus wept...

I fucking hate it when my husband calls our children his children when talking to me. They are the definition of OUR children