Is this a fair split?

[halloweenqueen1919]

DH works full time from home.

I work PT and have been offered a job that would require me to work 3 days a week in the office. The commute is about 60 (ish) mins each way. 9-5.

This means DH would be responsible for all things child Monday - Wednesday. Pick up, drop off and dinner basically.

I'd cover the Thursday, Friday and one weekend day to ensure a fair split.

While he's said he's onboard with me taking the role I have heard several times that's going to put more pressure on him.

He currently sorts the DC two days a week while I'm in the office or working from home.

I'm just looking for a sense check as I do the typical thing of prioritising not inconveniencing anyone else over what's actually best for me.

I’m the DH in your situation (female).

I would expect you to take the job.

Come on it’s not 15 mins tho is it?

you said school is 10 mins away, then factor in actually parking, getting out, picking up at 2 classrooms, getting kids back home, possibly a snack/drink.

both work full time here and do a school pick up as agreed with work once a week, these are fully flexi jobs/high salary with amazing bosses

School is 5 mins away, have to leave at min 20 mins before to attempt to park/walk down to school/class then back in the car at home. You are talking at least 45 mins.

I wouldn’t dream of taking the piss and doing it ever day.

If he is only working until 4pm each day then I think its fine. It might not be a totally fair split right now, but its not reasonable to prioritise his career over yours. Will you be earning more with this job?
Sensible to me would be for him to cut his hours back by 3-6 hours a week on the days you work. He logs off at 2 or 3pm. Has time to collect the kids in a relaxed manner, sort dinner etc without stressing about logging back on.
If he chooses to prioritise his job over taking care of his own kids then sure, put them in after school care. Sounds a poor and selfish choice to me but better than you being guilted into sacrificing more or your career potential to support his.
Obviously it depends on your money situation but if he refuses to adjust his hours to support the family then he is just expecting you to suck up all the career damage and manage the childcare to support his work. Which unless he is profoundly grateful I expect will lead to resentment all round, as he will feel he's the main earner and supporting you all and you will feel your contribution to the family isn't valued.

The advantages of WFH?
Hope your future plans work out

@Helpfullright it really is 15/20 mins max. The school is a 10 minute walk from our house.

I arrive at pick up collect DC who are waiting and they generally race each other home which works out well!

We're fortunate to live in a rural location with a village school and tiny class sizes so there isn't a big crowd of other parents/children to wade through.

And as I lm able to walk I don't need to worry about parking so no 45 minute school run for me thankfully!

You're better off not working Mondays if you're part time as you will still get the days off but you have more flexibility to take them when you want instead of having to use up days for the bank holidays. If you work Mondays you could find you're left with not a great deal of leave left after the bank holidays have been accounted for.

So if DH is in the kind of job where he needs to have no time constraints and to be available for travel as and when, how does that fit around him doing the school runs and after school childcare 3x a week?

I don't understand how an ultraflexible wfh job which enables you to do the school run on a very regular basis and allows you to finish at 4pm every day would have needed any "facilitation" at all tbh.

“If he chooses to prioritise his job over taking care of his own kids then sure, put them in after school care. Sounds a poor and selfish choice to me”

Seriously? Everyone who uses childcare is being selfish?!

I’m a SAHM in part so my children don’t have to go to childcare, but I’d never say someone was making a poor or selfish choice to put school age children into after school club so they can work. How ridiculous.

@Onlyvisiting what on earth - for them wraparound care 2 days a week sounds absolutely fine. The OP has a right to take this job and then as a family work out how to work it whilst ensuring both jobs are kept.

there is nothing wrong with putting kids into this kind of care 2 days a week!

they have been managing the the childcare together so far and he has been doing 2 days but with one working full time and another 3 full days in the office then at this point accepting that some form of external childcare is needed

these aren’t young children they are clearly 5+ and can cope with 2 days staying til 5 at school

Yeah, but he can think of that, can't he? If it's the case that OP has said, I'm at the office till 5, home at 6 so you'll need to handle the pick ups on those days, he can choose to handle it by finding out and signing up for ASC. Or if I had a flexible WFH job (which I do), I would choose to handle it by doing the school run and then catching up 20 mins after they're back and watching TV. He finishes at 4 for heavens sake, it's not like he'll be working into the night. He can finish at 4.30 and have plenty of time to make tea and play or unwind.
Or he could choose to share pick ups with another school parent, or ask a relative to get them one of the days, or, or... he has options.

It WILL make life more difficult for him, but not unreasonably difficult and if not now, when? If the OP wants to get back to having a serious and senior career, she has to start somewhere. So now both kids are in school is a great time. It sounds like this is her start. Its an adjustment for him, yes, but he'll get into the swing if he's got much about him.

I saw it as twice a week he finishes at 4 to facilitate the childcare that he made up on the other 3 days. I mean if he does have a high paying job you can start at 9 and finish at 4.

but surely they all need to discuss this and make it work and I do genuinely think sacrificing his existing job for hers when afterschool care is around seems silly.

He actually seems like a fairly supportive DH as well so they should work this out as a partnership and family

Wow. Do you really think the DH would give this much consideration to his wife if there were a change in his circumstances?!

IMO the person who is taking the impact of this change the most is the 5 year old. Doing breakfast club and after school club is a big change for someone so young. It is quite a long day for a little one.

I am a single mother so I am shocked at the reaction here. I thought families pulled together, like a team, give and take etc. this all sounds very calculated.

but how realistic is it for someone working full time to do it 3 days a week? That is the question and if he does exactly how will the hours be made up

it has to be calculated because it is a calculation - if he works full time and he needs to do a 35/40 hour where do the extra hours come from - and you can’t count the 3 days at school as 18 as no one can work non stop and do childcare.

the fact is they have been working at home tag teaming with her current job with a split that works changing that does need consideration of how it works.

Both DH and I work from home and it is tricky getting it all balanced out and mine are older and it often is a calculation of who has a meeting/who has a deadline but it is unrealistic to have one parent working full time and another 3 days in the office and not need childcare on a long term basis

Don’t do that, you’ll get fewer annual leave days so less flexibility for holidays

I would never consider a job that needs two hours of commuting when I had young kids
Surely that's a big extra cost too?

I don't understand why it needs to be so calculated though? Shouldn't a family all do what is needed to make family life work? Why does this DH say "I made one extra dinner this week so you need to do X" or "I take the kids to school more than you so you have to make it up to me". Makes me glad I am single!

So in my mind a partnership, would work like this: one partner comes in from a long day, and a one hour drive. DH says to the kids "mum has had a long day and a long drive, don't jump on her as soon as she comes in let her have a rest first". Or: one parter has had a full on week, DW says to the kids "Daddy has had a busy week, let's go to the park and give him some peace and quiet". Teaches the kids awareness and consideration and respect. This tit for tat approach to family life is confusing to me. It reminds me of when my kids whine "but I did it last time!" It is childish.

but isn’t the whole point that now she is out of the house in the office 3 days a week that can’t happen? I assume up until now with both working from home it worked like that - and it does for me and my husband and when he does need to go in discussions are had.

now she is in there is no coverage so childcare is needed to make sure both jobs are protected