Is this a fair split?

[halloweenqueen1919]

DH works full time from home.

I work PT and have been offered a job that would require me to work 3 days a week in the office. The commute is about 60 (ish) mins each way. 9-5.

This means DH would be responsible for all things child Monday - Wednesday. Pick up, drop off and dinner basically.

I'd cover the Thursday, Friday and one weekend day to ensure a fair split.

While he's said he's onboard with me taking the role I have heard several times that's going to put more pressure on him.

He currently sorts the DC two days a week while I'm in the office or working from home.

I'm just looking for a sense check as I do the typical thing of prioritising not inconveniencing anyone else over what's actually best for me.

You’re better off NOT working Mondays as you get the BH back as extra leave. Otherwise, if you work them, you’ll get time deducted and end up with less holiday.

This is the sole reason I don’t work Mondays or Fridays. I work three days a week and have nearly 25 days holiday because of the BH allowance.

@halloweenqueen1919 Unless i have missed something, if your DH works from home full time who would do the pick up from school at 3pm and look after the kids until your DH finishes work at 5/6pm?

Im assuming dropping them off at 8.30 and doing dinner wouldnt be an issue, im just wondering if he is supposed to pick them up and look after them as well as work.....cant see how that can work long term if that is the case tbh.

Exactly, you’ll end up owing them hours from leave balance

I think using wraparound care on the days you both work is fair, and then you can share drop off/pick ups. Unless your DH working hours are very flexible and he can make up the time later in the day.

I think it has to be wrap around care - expecting someone who works full time to cover all of that is too much - drop off and pick up of said care and do dinner is fine but otherwise you are impacting his work too much which isn’t fair on anyone and could impact his job

@PeloMom i am all for stepping up but the OP is in effect proposing her work days are ring fenced and he has to fit all that into his full time work day (which given the OP said he is the main earner) isn’t fair and could lead to work based issues

wraparound care is the only real option

He's doing the majority of the wage earning hours and the majority (or at best equal) of the childcare. How much further should he step up? He's already doing more than his fair share!

Obviously they need to do what they need to do in order to facilitate working and earning and looking after the family. But currently is OP that isn't pulling her weight, not her DH.

Of course he feels there's a lot of pressure on him. He's carrying the family by doing the majority. Yes, naturally that places him under a lot of pressure,

OP, I think he's telling you he can do it, but he'd prefer that you were an equal partner. Ask yourself, would you like to be the one responsible for financially providing and full time work as well as doing over 50% of the childcare?

@WB205020

DH work is extremely flexible. As long as the work is done they don't care about logging in/off etc.

DC school hours are 09:00 - 3:30 we live ten minutes from the school.

After school one of us will collect them and they draw, colour and generally entertain themselves for 20 minutes until we log off at 4pm.

DH does this twice a week now and I do it three times a week, only one being a work day for me

I think that's totally fair and I wouldn't even think to do any extra on the weekend. Parents should work as a team and do whatever is needed to support the family. It makes sense for him to cover the three days. It can't always work out at 50/50

I think he is saying that adding those extra hours will be harder to make up especially as I assume you are forgetting some of them will be at 4 onwards when you have been there and no longer are

plus as they get older colouring may not work - you need wraparound care for your new hours it is the effect of you taking the new job

does it occur to you that he’s able to contribute more financially because OP shouldered more of the house stuff for at least 2 yrs of maternity leave with 2 kids, let’s not even talk about day to day? It’s her turn now

No it is time they realised that they can’t work all this out the two of them - there are enough hours to fit in one working full time her out 3 days a week and adequately do childcare

adding in one or two days of ASC is the best way forward and should be done as soon as there is space with the DH covering until there is

@Tiswa what is ASC? Sorry I don’t know the acronym

I don't think it's as simple as making sure each of you "covers" three days each.
If one person is working full time and one part time, naturally the part time person should pick up more of the "life" stuff.

No one can look after children and work at the same time, so just because one of you is working at home doesn't mean you should do school pick up and childcare on those days.

After school club - I think here the fairest thing is for her to take the job, sort out breakfast club and after school club for 1 to 2 days a week with the Dad being in charge of pick and and drop offs for these (which means he can do his work hours easily)

I think the part that would make me pause is the 2 entire responsibility free days you end up with while he's constantly scrambling. Can you work full time as well? Can you flex your hours to drop the kids off in the morning and stay a bit later? Or maybe work 3 working days across 4 so you can do some of the school runs?

My husband and I both work full time and have two kids who have clubs every afternoon or evening between them. The whole schedule is a massive balancing act that falls apart whenever he travels for work so I understand trying to make sure it all makes sense.

@mrsm43s

That feels like a pretty unfair comment.

I'm trying to be an equal partner by taking a job that brings additional income in to our home while try to inconvenience everybody else as little as possible.

With me working DH could quite easily take a role that is less demanding and I would be more than happy to work full time.

DH has absolutely no interest in slowing the progress of his career which is what I've done to facilitate his as the breadwinner.

I gave up a well paid senior position and then stayed at home with our children so he could work without time construction and travel as he pleased for work without the huge expense of childcare.

My career has completely stalled as a result.

And yes we have benefited from his job etc. but we've also benefitted from all the money put away for us from when I had a good job

@halloweenqueen1919 i think you are trying not to inconvenience any of them but you can’t - this will bring changes they all have to get used to because you have to go forward with the job

Your DH will have to be the nominated parent that day and will have to take to and from school, feed them and be the one who takes time off if they are ill.

they are going to have to get used to 2/3 days a week doing some form of wraparound care because these costs are worth it and they are old enough to be able to cope (I assume)

If he was in your shoes, would he be considering not taking a job for the sake of your feelings? No, he didn't before! Go for it and tell him he has to be a Dad!

I think this is quite difficult for your husband to manage depending on the nature of his job, ages of children and distance to school. We have young kids and I do juggle pick up, cooking dinner and afternoons with them 3 days a week (while working FT at home those days). it’s really tough to juggle with calls, meetings and general workload. Also you are taking the Friday afternoon slot when FT office workers do tend to ease off after lunch on a Friday (speaking very generally) so he’s having to juggle family commitments during very much the core working week.

Why on earth would you be offering take care of your children on a Saturday?? Neither of you work that day, so surely it should be family time and if one of you want to do something by yourself for a while, you sort it as the occasion arises.

It’s not about feelings it is about the fact that regardless of which parent it is expecting someone who works full time to do pick up drop off and post school childcare limiting the hours to 9:10 to 3:20 3 days a week isn’t feasible and leaves a whole lot of hours to make up.

given we are talking about school age children getting some wraparound care in makes sense - and getting the Dad to pick up and drop off and do the cooking given that she is travelling makes sense

because however super flexible the employer is at the moment with 2 days of drop offs and her being there from 4 another is a step too far

I operate on an equal leisure time basis.

Under this plan he effectively gets two evenings “off” per week as he has to spend three evenings catching up the hours from doing the afterschool stuff with your children.

You get three evenings once the kids are in bed (you don’t need to catch up on work), plus two whole school days, plus presumably those two evenings too once the kids are in bed.

Assuming you both want to have family time at the weekend I think it’s a bit unfair honestly and I think the children need to go to wrap around care.

How is your husband going to manage cc/drop offs/pick ups etc if he is working FT? Just a thought

The same way I do when I WFH I'd imagine.

We are both able to block our calendars for 15 minutes at pick up and drop off times and is what we currently do.

And as I've explained down thread we both log off at 4pm so DC have to entertain themselves for 20 minutes which is fine at their ages.

It's been established from this thread that BC/ASC are likely the best way forward for our family.

If he cannot manage then he can arrange an au pair or nanny to help him.
Of course it is fine. Don't double cook for him he can work out quick easy meals.he is a grown adult.