To not drive?

[Brownwitch]

I don't drive due to anxiety. I get panic attacks at red lights, on motorways etc. I also have high anxiety about crashing and hurting someone. I walk where I need to go. A person in my life said I am lazy. Would you agree?

Yes this is one of my concerns tbh

Just to explain when I say anxiety this will involve my heart beating really fast, my hands trembling, my ears buzzling, my legs shaking, feeling increadibly hot, feeling like to need to escape immediately. I would love to not experience these symptoms.

It's like a bloody wheel spoke with the town centre in the middle and no other areas touching each other. I know exactly what you mean. To get to the next suburb 3 miles away requires a bus 9 miles into the city centre and another bus 9 miles out again.

And then they wonder why there are so many cars on the road that the 9 mile bus ride takes an hour.

Clearly you’re not safe on the road so it’s best that you don’t drive. You’re making the right decision.

Don't drive if it affects you that much. And the person who criticised was simply being rude. Never allow rudeness to upset you.

This used to be me. I would come out in a rash when I was driving. I wouldn’t sleep well the night before, I’d sometimes cry whilst driving.

But I got myself over it. I took lots of lessons. I made myself drive small journeys. I took practical steps to improve things (such as a satnav which helped lots, a car that suited my needs, I would pre plan journeys carefully, avoid some challenging bits, leave extra time, use street view for certain junctions)

I didn’t have the luxury of allow it to overwhelm me. I am now a confident and competent driver. Sure I sometimes make small mistakes, as we all do. There will always be some routes that I don’t like, and some adjustments that I make, but it doesn’t stop me doing what I need to do, nor impact my children. I will happily jump in the car and drive, which 5yrs ago I would never, ever have believed.

You can get over this if you want to, in my experience

No, the person who said this has never driven me or my children anywhere.
Yes we are centrally located and can easily walk to school, shops, activities etc.
My kids friends live locally although one of my worries is that they will require more driving as they get older. They are 8 and 10 now. My hubby is great and loves to drive and says it doesn't bother him at all.
My anxiety symptoms at red lights/motorways would be really fast heartbeat, shaking hands and legs, feeling really hot, feeling the need to escape immediately etc. I would love if I didn't have this anxiety.

How did you get over the panic attacks? I know how to drive and know I would be a safe driver. It's the panic attacks I cannot get control over and know I would not be safe for other road users

Its not lazy.

The only way to treat driving anxiety though is to drive. It won't go away by itself. Gradual graded exposure to the feared situation, habituation to the anxiety, calming yourself in the moment, grounding techniques and so forth. Its totally treatable with a combination of anxiety and driving lessons. You'd be OK.

Don't even get me started. What make me disproportionatally furious about it in our case is that within 10 minutes walking distance of my house, are THREE highschools - two large state schools and one good sized private. There are a further two high schools just outside the town centre - another large state and a medium sized private school. So arguably, there are literally 1000s of kids in this very small area who all need to travel home. Catchment for the state schools is around 5km. There is also a medium sized hospital just on the other side of the town centre to us (near the two town-based high schools), adding a bunch of additional people who need to travel to and from all parts of the area on a regular basis.....

So, trains.... certainly on the North-South divide, potentially helpful. Except they only run two an hour and are very unreliable. So you see endless streams of children arriving at 8am because the next train arrives at 8:30 (if they're lucky) which is barely enough time to make it to school, and definitely not enough if there's even a few minutes delay. Admittedly, less of an issue for the hospital - lots of trains into the town centre from various places, and a fair number of busses from there out to the hospital or a nice walk if you are able.

The bus stop outside the school nearest us goes to our town centre, or another town centre (50 minute journey) but does travel through various areas that are broadly west. 3 an hour at peak times, 2 the rest, so I guess we should be grateful. <sarcastic shrug especially as pre-covid it was at least 4 an hour, 6 in peak times I think> But it is the only bus service available in the area for this school. A school with around 1500 students. There are a few additional bus options from the village centre, which is also closer ot the other schools, but it's still quite limited and most of those busses head back towards London so great if that's your direction, totally pointless if you need to head east or west or south.

DS goes to his sports activity that takes me 9 minutes in the car. There IS a bus.... it travels roughly once an hour (it's a weird schedule ie 15:35, 16:19, 17:20), and only at peak times making it almost completely pointless. He now takes it to training, and gets off at a friend's house half way (as he arrives so early). They then take a different bus (that runs more frequently) from his friend.

Infuriating.

The language you use..."I know I would not be safe for other road users". This is maintaining your anxiety. Each driving situation is different. Its about learning to react and deal with only whats going on in the moment on that particular piece of road, not getting sidetracked by spiralling into what COULD happen.

Like...if there is a really busy junction and I'm waiting in the middle of it for my turn to filter, sometimes I get flustered and stressed but I just tell myself, "There is literally nothing I can do but sit and wait here. There is no gap so I will just wait until there is a gap, and that's fine.". Give yourself permission to take up space on the road. You are as entitled to be there as others. Or if I am on a narrow country lane and I'm a bit worried about what might approach from the opposite direction, I do the only thing thats in my control and slow down my own vehicle and proceed cautiously. And if I meet oncoming traffic well, its a bit annoying having to reverse to a passing place, but its not the end of the world. Its about keeping things in perspective and just working on what you can do in each moment, not catastrophising everything and thinking about what might happen. You can do hard things!

@Brownwitch

I just took it really, really slowly. So very small 3 minute trips at first, then perhaps a little further. Routes I knew well. Nothing ‘complicated’. I would rather take a longer and simpler route than a difficult one, and I allowed myself that luxury. I’m driving so I decide.

I also got a car that I liked, rather than driving my DH’s one which I didn’t. And got a satnav as one of my fears was going the wrong way or being in the wrong lane.

And then building it up slowly. I’d almost be worse in anticipation and better when I was doing it (although I did cry on the M25 the first time I did that). Upset but not impacting safety.

I actually had no choice. We moved somewhere rural with zero public transport. If I didn’t drive we didn’t leave the house. It was grim for 6-12 months but now I am so proud of what I’ve done.

Well done that's a great achievement and thank you so much for taking the time to reply and explain how you got through it.
TBH I would never move somewhere remote as I am so anxious driving.

Thank you, I wish it was as easy as telling my brain not to spiral and not to panic. I really do.
The more I tell myself not to panic and to just think about what's going on the more I panic.

@TheTruthICantSay Yes, familiar story. And then people find it so hard to understand why the elderly don't want to give up driving.

Like...if there is a really busy junction and I'm waiting in the middle of it for my turn to filter, sometimes I get flustered and stressed but I just tell myself, "There is literally nothing I can do but sit and wait here. I tell myself "they'd be held up a lot more if I have an accident".

You would be a danger to other road users. Best not to drive if it worries you.

you don’t need it ever for work purposes?

How did you manage to pass your driving test OP?
Your anxiety must have been under control then ? Or has this developed since you've had a negative driving experience?

I may have got this wrong, and you haven't actually passed your test.

I'd be seeking out support -something like hypnosis. God forbid anything happens to your husband, you really do need to be self-sufficient for your own and your children's sake.

OP I could have written your post. I struggled with driving with immense anxiety for a couple of years after passing my test (aged 41) and it really affected my mental health and caused high blood pressure. When I took the decision to stop driving it was like a huge weight was lifted.
I walk everywhere I can and live in a city with great public transport, so day to day life is easy enough to manage with 1 DD (plus like you I also get a big shop delivered). Since then I've had some absolutely brilliant train holidays with my DD, which have felt like wonderful adventures for both of us.
So I guess I just wanted to say that you're not alone, and if it feels better for your health not driving, then good for you for acknowledging that. I'm here to give you a virtual high five and say let's enjoy the pleasures that come with pedestrian life x

No I have always had office based jobs

I did not develop anxiety until my late 20s.
I am perfectly self sufficient without driving. If something happened to my husband the driving issue would be the least of my concerns.

How is it lazy not to drive? Presumably you have to take busses/trains etc so that's better for you and the environment. Unless you are constantly begging lifts off of people!

Hello from a fellow non driver. I have never even been behind the wheel. The idea fills me with complete anxiety. I walk everywhere, catch busses and trains. From DD being little we would always catch public transport and we still do to this day and she’s nearly 18. Not driving hasn’t stopped me from doing things with her. One of her friends had never been on a train until I took her for a day out with us aged 16!!

DD has learned not to depend on anyone and is always thankful if DH picks her up or takes her to work. It is never expected.
I love walking and it keeps me fit and healthy I go swimming at the local pool and in car it would be 3 minutes but it takes me just under 30 minutes there and back so adds to my exercise and I go rain or shine 4 times a week. I WFH now but prior to Covid I would just get bus. I considered an e bike and may still get one in the near future.

I feel proud of myself for never relying on anyone and for being an independent non driver. Don’t let anyone make you feel like 💩 about not driving

and your current office is walking distance?

I currently work from home, if I need to go to the office it's 30 minutes walk or I can take a bus.