Sister annoyed with me

[NoForwardingAddress]

I end up hosting every year at Christmas. I don't enjoy it. Up until now, the reason has been that my husband's elderly mother and very elderly grandad came to us. Both frail and would otherwise have a bleak Christmas alone, so obviously we've willingly had them round ours. At times, my husband's sibling (who lives abroad) has come too.

Sadly, Mil and GFil both died this year. We will obviously miss their presence, especially my kids who naturally associate Christmas day with them being here. However, I do have to say that I was looking forward to not hosting for the first time in over 20 years. We were thinking of going to a restaurant so I wouldn't even have to cook and could spend my day relaxing and being with my kids.

However, my brother then said he'd love to join us with husband's wife and 3 kids. To stress, I obviously would love to see him at Christmas as usually he's with his inlaws at the other end of the country. And our kids all adore each other, very close in age etc, so it will be lovely for them and for me to see my nieces and nephew.

My sister is now annoyed that she's been left out 😩 every year, she goes to her inlaws and is doing the same this year. I assumed happily, but maybe not. Regardless, I can't stand the thought of cooking Christmas dinner and hosting my 4, my brother's 5, plus my sister's 6 (three adult children, one with fiancé). It's insanity. From past experience, my brother will contribute to the cost and help cook. My sister will not.

I've already offered to host everyone at mine at some point during brother's visit and do a buffet, possibly on boxing day.

Every single time my brother visits, I host everyone at mine and cook for everyone (something easy to bulk cook, like curry or chilli). My sister has never once hosted or invited me to do anything, I've never even been inside her house because she's weirdly private about it. Even when I've asked the address to drop (for example) her birthday gift off, she won't reply to me and just turns up on my doorstep!

I honestly feel like I do the most to facilitate everyone being together, she does the least, yet I'm a selfish cow for leaving her out.

I can't justify myself by saying that I didn't actually invite my brother, he invited himself, because that is mean to my brother and implies I don't want him here (not the case). I refuse to cook and host for that many so I'm not willing to extend the invite to her for Christmas dinner. Although she's welcome (as she's done most years previously) to come over for prosecco and croissants late morning to exchange gifts).

What's the solution here? I'm most annoyed that instead of saying directly that she upset with me, she's told the rest of the family that I've left her out and always do! Urgh.

Suggestions?

I would contact her and say "I hear you are upset about us not all getting together at Christmas I agree that would be great - can we come to yours on X day?"

Just say no, u r going out for dinner.

Well, seeing as she hasn't actually said directly to you that she's annoyed I'd just ignore it.

(I'm not the type that get swayed by passive aggressive games).

Don't feel guilty OP. You are doing a lot and you can't keep everyone happy!

Sounds like your sister might have some issues with her mental health given her unusual stance.

In your situation, I would do what you want and leave any feelings your sister has about that with her. Easier said than done I know! But it sounds as though the current plan works well for you so I’d leave it as is and just accept she’s a bit unhappy about it.

Would your brother be ok with you all going out for meal on Xmas day? Or maybe plan that for next year so you know it will happen?

Just tell her sorry, that's too many to host on Xmas, love to have her family for s meal another day.

You could ignore it and just roll your eyes when anyone mentions her feeling left out.

You could contact her and tell her you’ll all be going to hers at Christmas, seeing as it’s clearly now so important to her.

You could message her and tell her to stop being silly, of course she’s welcome, her share is £££, which you’ll need before you go shopping and what job would she like to do?

You could have everyone at yours but go out for dinner, with everyone paying for themselves, so you’re not stuck in the kitchen all day.

You could push everything back a day, or bring it forward a day, so you have turkey with just your family on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, and do a bulk chilli/curry on Christmas Day.

I’d like to think I’d go for one of the last two options. I admit I’d probably just do the ignoring and eye rolling thing one though.

The restaurant idea sounded lovely for you and your family . Especially after 20 years of hosting. And somthing simple another day does sound more practical.
It's very odd she doesn't even let you have her address. Do you think she is hiding somthing or embarrassed?

If she hasn’t said it to you, I would honestly just completely ignore it and pretend I didn’t know. Crack on with your brother and have a lovely Christmas. If your sister is so keen to be involved, she can host!

I'd get the word out now that you're actually going to be taking a Christmas off and you won't be hosting anyone for Christmas in 2024 as it turns out.
You're sorry if this impacts on other's plans but you need a break and you'd really appreciate it if someone else could host instead. If they can't then that's fine but you won't be and you'll have a quiet Christmas instead.

I cannot understand how so many people have this issue year in year out.
Decide what you want to do for you for Christmas - if others are happy to row in behind you then that's great, but if they want something different, that's ok too because you're having the Christmas you want.

I’ve gotten really assertive over Christmas now as I’m sick of being a mug hosting and doing all the work with little thanks.

Also, I invite my dad, but he’ll leave it till the last minute to accept as he might get asked by his step family and he’ll go there. My PIL are no better, kicking up a fuss about “family at Christmas”, agreeing to come to ours for Christmas, but if their DD caves and invites them, they’ll tell us late in the day they prefer to go there. At times we’ve felt upset on Christmas Day for being ditched for a better offer. When they do come here I have to include DHs extended family.

So, I’ve taken back control. I’ve told them all that we aren’t hosting this year. I’m working a lot and I don’t have the time. In fact, December is manic for us. If they want to see us, we are available on xxx dates, you are welcome to come over and we’ll go out somewhere for lunch, pay for ourselves.

Also, I’ve already told them that next year we are going abroad for Christmas so can’t do then either.

I don’t feel guilty either.

I'd ignore it, and if anyone brings it up, say 'that's strange, she's said nothing to me. . .'

Is it just the three of you siblings?

I'd be upset to be left out 😄

I am a bit of a people pleaser though, but I'd honestly invite her and ask expressly that she helps cook. Maybe the 3 of you could do it together?

I don't think you're horrible or anything! but I would've made sure all the siblings were invited so no-one felt left out x

It isn't just the siblings though is it? It's one family of 5 and another family of 6 - a total of 15 people with the OP's. I don't see why the siblings aren't capable of either hosting the OP's smaller family or staying at home.

You can't stop her being annoyed OP, she'll either get over it or die mad. Running around to complain about you to the extended family isn't exactly in the Christmas spirit either. If anyone moans about it to you tell them that they can entertain an additional 6 people themselves.

It doesn't seem like it's been discussed though

Maybe she dislikes how her house is decorated, op? I'd just tell her how you feel in a loving way and invite her to help make it work. It's not worth someone feeling hurt and left out x

Thanks all. Sorry for delay replying - work went cray cray today.

I'm unsure why no one is allowed to her house. Her last home, I also didn't know the address of for several years until she got evicted and had to move quickly. She had no car at the time so asked me to take stuff to the tip. That was the one and only time I was welcome in, because she literally didn't have another option. That place was in poor repair and very messy, so perhaps she doesn't invite me because she's embarrassed? I have to say I have zero judgement about other people's homes, and I'd hope that is apparent. But obviously her perception could be different. I have a large-ish home and have done it up nicely over the past 10 years so maybe she think I would look down on her place? It's hard to know as she dodges answering when I ask.

It is the 3 siblings, yes, so it is a fair point that she will feel the odd one out. I guess I'm just grumpy because I don't want to host anyone and now it's salt in the wound to be badmouthed for putting myself out. I won't turn my brother away because he lives in Scotland with his wife, we are from the south coast of England, so you can imagine I rarely see him or his children and I'm appreciative of the fact he's doing a 11 hour drive to see us! To me, that is a far more arduous task than cooking Christmas dinner. I see my sister more frequently (nearly always at my instigation) because she's 15 minutes away.

I understand why some are saying just ignore it, but of all the people she's told, she's specifically told one person who she knows will repeat it to me. So she obviously wants me to know she's unhappy without actively telling me herself. Which irritates me. Why simmer? Just talk to me and we can work it out. So I'm inclined to address it. I don't want her to feel hurt or left out so I'd rather discuss it and hopefully move on. I definitely can't host that many for Christmas dinner though, I'll actually have a break down.

Also, I'm annoyed she's moaned behind my back, but added to that is that she's told people I've hosted my brother before for Christmas and didn't invite her, which is completely untrue. He's never been to mine over Christmas, and any time he's visited I have hosted everyone at mine at some point in his stay and cooked for everyone.

Ugh.

Behaviour meets need. So if you want her to change her behaviour, the easiest way to do that is to consciously not meet the need she’s meeting when she behaves that way. Ignoring the fact you know she’s unhappy does that - but I appreciate you might not want to risk fallout at Xmas. I’d notice how you feel and what behaviours trigger you and try to place no expectation that she’ll change.,Try and notice your own behaviours too - at what point do you stop doing what you want and what feelings in you prompt that . It’s amazing how powerful just noticing these things is.

Thanks. This is interesting. So I thought ignoring the situation is avoidance and that things will fester? But you think ignoring it will be helpful? Am I reading that right? Sorry if I've misinterpreted.

I do feel like I often end up doing things I don't want to make others happy, although definitely less so as I get older and more grumpy/menopausal. 10 years ago, I'd be wracked with guilt and tears at the thought of upsetting her and immediately invite everyone even though it would massively stress me out and ruin my day. So I'm less of a people pleaser than I was, but still definitely try to hard to consider how everyone else feels before myself.

Yes, I did means that ignoring it might be a useful approach to try. But only if you feel ok and ready to deal with the potential consequences. I guess the aim is to separate out your emotions from theirs. Leave them to manage their emotions and you protect yours. People pleasing/.rescuing means to take on some of theirs too and merges the emotions between you. Boundaries help stop this merging. You can still see and support others with their emotions but not take them on.

In my experience changing from being a people pleaser can lead to some mighty “extinction burst” behaviour from others who really don’t want you to stop meeting their needs. That’s scary when you’ve spent a lifetime trying to feel safe by people pleasing. The upside is that I think people pleasers find it the easiest to make change once they understand what they’re contributing to the perpetuation of the situation. I would always recommend noticing first and not rushing to change behaviour. So it might be better for you not to change what you would normally do just yet and trust your instinct to do what you’ve always done but just notice it. By just noticing you’ll actually affect some change. Label behaviours - others and your own - as it helps you separate your responses from actions. The change happens in the pause of that makes sense. At some level I would suspect that others emotions feel a threat to you and you take on the emotions yourself instead as that feels safer. My sibling told me I couldn’t expect to have a relationship with them if I behaved the way I was when I started to change. Wasn’t true - our relationship is the best it’s ever been - but it was a tactic our parents used on us (my Dad would often not speak to me for days for no other real reason that I’d been the one in the room when his stress overwhelmed him) so it was mighty hard taking the risk. I did do it with weekly counselling support for two years. It took practice and I hurt people’s feeling more than I would do now I'm practiced at it. It was ultimately killing me though perpetuating what kept me safe as a child. I have a lot of physical and mental health issues that can be managed with the wonders of modern medicine but “the body keeps the score” (a good book!)

A couple of analogies that work for me:
visw all the possible responses to this sitstuon as a field of long grass. There will be a path trodden down through the field (the way you usually behave) and a place that path leads you to. From what you’ve written you don’t want that destination anymore and walking down the usually path is exhausting you even though each step still feels the easiest option because the grass is trodden down. What is the destination you actually want to get to instead? Where in the field is that path? How overgrown is it. Etc etc. Go down the new path anyway you can - it will be painful and might need adjusting as you distill what you actually want. But with conscious effort you can forge a new path and the old path will eventually become over grown and not a comfortable path anymore.

view it as a game of emotional tennis. Emotions are being lobbed back and forward between you. If you’re the one raging inside and possibly outside, it likely means your “losing” and the emotions ball is left on your side of the net constantly.

Have you heard of the drama triangle? Persecutor, rescuer and victim? Rescuer is just as much of a contributor to the dynamic as the other two positions. There is lots to the theory but in a nutshell moving to an adjacent triangle of protector, nurturer and joyful child (they might use a different word for that one position) is the aim. Other people could probably explain it better than me but I’ve come to realise that people pleasing (and I was a master!) is often a learnt habit usually learnt in childhood that ultimately gives you a feeling of control. On some level it is your choice to continue behaving this way. Your behaviour is meeting a need in you.

Hope that makes sense! Im in hospital at the moment with an infection and lack of sleep addles my brain a little and exaggerates my dyslexia etc so sometimes I haven’t quite written what I meant clearly.

It might be as simple as placating your sister means you can enjoy your brothers visit more. I sense having him and his family for Xmas has some really value for you. If the easiest way to keep that for yourself is to placate then do it. If you can weather your sister’s tantruming in whatever form it takes and having her there or indulging her behaviour will suck out the joy from your brothers visit then I would ignore her. Silence is the most oowefrful way to leave someone’s emotions with them. Just let their emotions tennis ball drop to the ground and chances are it will largely bounce back to them and they’ll be left with the angst they were trying to offload onto you.

No way i’d put myself out for the sister who won’t even give me her address. Extremely rude for her to have a go when she’s never hosted. I’d just tell them all that hope they don’t mind but given the bereavements this year, you’re having a quiet one just your immediate family

Sorry that last message was long!

One more thing: balance in relationships is importation to me. The way you talk about your siblings leads me to think that you feel your relationship with your brother is balanced and therefore a pleasure but your relationship with your sister is a little unbalanced. i think it’s ok to be willing to do something for one sibling and not the other in the same way you’d do something for a friend who’d do the same for you both not for a friend who wouldn’t.

Keep your values but also keep your boundaries. Other people not liking your decisions doesn’t mean you were wrong to make them.

Also look up flying monkeys,FOG, grey rock/medium chill.

If she's said it behind your back I'd be tempted to ignore it.

Why don't you go to the restaurant with your brother? So no cooking?

My guess is she's a hoarder/very messy person who is ashamed of her house

This is an incredible response. I'm not the OP but am a lifetime people pleaser and this was eye opening to read. Thank you.

I hope you get better asap

This!
Although be careful if she says 'yes, of course' and you have to end up travelling!
Just be honest - tell her you were originally planning just a small close family celebration, and that you don't have the energy for something big. If she mentions your brother then be honest and say that they were the ones who suggested visiting.