Fed up of friend acting like her child grew up deprived

[Pollylo]

I have a friend who now has a DD that is in her 20s and has secured a training contract with a top magic circle law firm down in London. We raised our girls together so I know what the girls childhood was like.
Friend and her daughters dad were never in a relationship, both very involved in their daughters life though. Neither of them had high paying jobs (Warehouse work and TA). Friend lived mortgage free though from inheriting her parents house.
Her daughter did lots of clubs, including getting several hours of private tennis coaching a week from about age 8. Her daughter did play competitively and well.
The girl went to a Grammar School, often ranked the best state school in the North.
Friend acts as though she grew up on the breadline, and has built herself from nothing. I appreciate she's the first in her family to go to uni and has done very well off that but I'm fed up of her acting like her child was deprived. AIBU?

You know OP don't sweat the small stuff- it's all relative and as others have said compared to people she is mixing with her background will seem very modest .

I think you are missing the point that her daughter is doing well in law, one of the hardest professions to do well in for years unless you have the family connections.

Thankfully, times are changing, and some diversity is creeping in. My son has just spent the past week filling out forms for very similar opportunities. They ask 2 questions! Were you the first to go to uni in your family, and were you eligible for FSM. Sounds like she could answer yes to both of them, and bloody well done to her!

Maybe stop judging OP.

Compared to her peers at the Magic Circle firm she IS deprived. Most of them will be public school Harvard/ Yale / Oxbridge many will be in an international clique of wealthy prominent families. She has done bloody well.

Let it go

I do get that it is an achievement to be the first in the family to go to Uni, however, with just over half of the adult population having a degree (and that figure rising) surely this becomes less of an achievement when education is improving nationally and courses take lower entry points sometimes for degrees to make money now Universities are run by a business model? It is in the university and bank's interests to get young people to cough up for something everyone else has and get into debt in the process. Some degrees that are harder are less popular and are now being forced out in favour of more profitable but potentially less useful content. In 20yrs it will be like getting GCSE's - A'levels are practically compulsory to have a job which wasn't the case in the 90's. I understand the "awe" of the "achievement" less and less with every passing decade.

There's a great deal of difference between the average university degree and a Law degree, and, further to that, working for a Magic Circle law firm.

This is a great achievement and her mother is right to be proud.

All of this.
It just reads as jealousy.
A few tennis lessons (funded by who?) doesn't overcome other challenges this young woman faced.
Nor does it overcome for the mother, that she must have lost both her parents while she was quite young, for her to have inherited a house while still having a young child herself.

My H was the first in his family to go to uni. It was fully funded by an army cadetship. Without that, he would not have gone to uni at all, but he used it to also help another family member to attend. He was then the first in his family to go to Sandhurst and become an officer instead of a soldier. I am bloody proud of the man he has become and all he has achieved, let alone how his mum feels. I can see the contrast to my privileged childhood, with parents who stayed together, funded my education through school and uni. I always had (and still have, even in my 50s) a safety net in a way that children from less well off backgrounds will never have.

In comparison to 99.99999% of lawyers at MC firms your friend's daughter's life was deprived. It's a huge deal she's gone to Uni and achieved what she has. Just smile kindly and don't over think it.

Hmmm, I think in terms of being the first in your family and getting a job in a magic circle law firm she HAS done really well. I grew up very bog standard middle class- 4 bed house, holidays abroad, state school. Definitely not poor or disadvantaged. But I went to Oxbridge and discovered how privileged the privileged kids are and the difference is INSANE. Those are the people that fill get the top jobs in law, finance, politics etc and they’ve had so many leg ups. Yeah she’s not grown up poor, she’s had tennis lessons but she will have had to fight pretty hard to get where she is.

Wow I think she’s done hugely well. First to uni in the family AND it was law and into the magic circle. She will be one of the very few adults in that position who had minimum wage parents (TA and warehouse work) as per your statement. Of course the grandparent help meant they weren’t on the breadline but it’s really impressive what she has achieved. She must be a very smart, determined woman and no wonder she has such a proud mum.

It rankles when you know that someone is telling porkies.

Did you post about this before? I remember an almost identical post a while back.

YABU.

To come from a working class, single parent family and achieve what she has is something to be proud of.

I think you’re just jealous. Her daughter’s achievement is massive and everyone else she will be working with will be far wealthier than she is

As flaws go this is minor. If this irritates you about your friend then maybe it’s time to find a new friend as it sounds like you just don’t like her.

Your friend has probably realised some of the privilege her dd is competing against and is coming at it from that angle.

I am guessing there is very little chance of getting into this type of job without attending a Russel Group university.

Magic circle law is insane. From my time training there, the vast majority of trainees come from privilege, with many knowing each other from top end private schools... she's done so well to be the first to go to uni and then get such an excellent training contract. It's really tough.

you sound mean and judgemental

she was a mum on a low income - if they never had a holiday that is definitely what I would call down in the lower income bracket and does to me suggest 'deprivation' - certainly compared to others who make it to magic circle law firms

Law is dominated by the priveliged and your friend has brought her child up very well to change the family dynamic and go to university

why on earth would you have an issue with this

Funny how OP hasn't been back..

Why does it bother you so much? Who gives a shit? Seriously, if this is an actual problem in your life then consider yourself fortunate.

What does it matter? Presume your own daughter is doing fine. End of subject.

Whichever way you look at it the daughter did amazing. It is natural to be proud of your kids. Financially it won't have been easy. The impressive thing is the aspirations and achievement coming from a modest background (no judgement similar). Me for one is very impressed I love a good news story.

It's not a privilege for her to have inherited a house. I used the money I inherited from my mum as a deposit on my current house. Had she not died at 59 I probably wouldn't have got onto the housing market. I can assure you I'd still rather have my mum.

Ultimately she raised her child as a lone parent on a low income. It sounds like she prioritised her daughter's extra curricular activities over holidays and her daughter is bright enough that she got into grammar without tutoring. The fact that she was the first in her family to go to uni and has gotten a job that will be almost exclusively private school, Russel Group graduates demonstrates that she's really quite remarkable.

My word OP
Your meanness is breathtaking.

As is some of the responses on her. Friend’s daughter DID come from a very low income household. Do you KNOW how much TA’s make? But a fraction of what they are worth.

She didn’t pay rent or a mortgage but she still had to make a small amount stretch a long way. She must have scrimped and went without in order to afford tennis lessons.
She must be so relieved that her daughter is in a secure position now. She probably DOES look back and wonder how she made ends meet.

Clearly jealous. I suspect you’re one of those people who panics over widening participation policies, and that the poor should know their place.

Your friend was a single parent, that’s enough of a complete burden for her to deserve great respect. It’s the headspace that my single parent friends have to use that I have always admired.