Fed up of friend acting like her child grew up deprived

[Pollylo]

I have a friend who now has a DD that is in her 20s and has secured a training contract with a top magic circle law firm down in London. We raised our girls together so I know what the girls childhood was like.
Friend and her daughters dad were never in a relationship, both very involved in their daughters life though. Neither of them had high paying jobs (Warehouse work and TA). Friend lived mortgage free though from inheriting her parents house.
Her daughter did lots of clubs, including getting several hours of private tennis coaching a week from about age 8. Her daughter did play competitively and well.
The girl went to a Grammar School, often ranked the best state school in the North.
Friend acts as though she grew up on the breadline, and has built herself from nothing. I appreciate she's the first in her family to go to uni and has done very well off that but I'm fed up of her acting like her child was deprived. AIBU?

Agree with this.
Your friends DD would not be considered deprived round my way.
But she will be, by people in the circles she's moving in now.
Its an achievement.

Well, what is your definition of "the breadline"?
My mum and I lived rent-free. That was because we lived in my father's flat, he was an alcoholic and absent for months at a time. Mum had enough money to pay the bills but not the social rent. It's a miracle we haven't been evicted.
She worked as a carer and prioritised spending her money on my language classes since I was 6. I've had 10 years' worth of tuition which might seem very extravagant to you. This meant we didn't buy new clothes - I had an allocation of one pair of jeans a year, one pair of summer shoes every 2 years and one pair of winter boots and one winter coat every 3. The rest was hand-me-downs from older relatives and neighbours. Clothes that I grew out of were altered by my mum so we could get a few more years out of them. There was often not very much to eat - rice porridge for breakfast, free school lunch and a vegetable soup for dinner. I went on my first foreign holiday when I was 24. My mum went on her first foreign holiday when she was 43. But we must be extremely privileged because we lived rent-free, right?

Your post smacks of jealousy I'm afraid. The daughter has done incredibly well and her mother is rightly proud of her. I brought two children up as a single parent, my son had no contact with his father after 14- his choice. Both my children have done well. My son has worked in a magic circle law firm on secondment and they were keen to hang on to him. He's high up in a large Edinburgh law firm. My daughter has progressed really well in her profession and is constantly being given promotions and bonuses. Both my children went to state school. Am I proud of them? Of course I am. I could bore everyone rigid about them. (I try not to)

Compared to some of her colleagues the girl is working with now her childhood probably did seem deprived. You are being unreasonable.

Absolutely. These things are both subjective and comparative. I went to Oxford from a background that wasn't on the breadline, but no holidays ever, small overcrowded house, parents who'd left education at 13 in unskilled manual minimum wage jobs and who struggled with literacy -- compared to the majority of my rather grand college cohort (lots of ex-public school boys), I was as exotic as a Dickensian pauper. Whereas while I'd been in, say the poorer one third of my school year, I wasn't in any way unusual.

I know a few people like this. For the most part I laugh it off, only once has it really bugged me. I had a friend/work colleague who would lecture me on how I just had to work hard like her, how she achieved owning her own home practically mortgage free all through hard work.

Both sane age at the time 30.

id left home at 19, was paying board from 16 £20 out of my £35 yts course. No GCSEsm parents didn’t care if I went to school, actively got me jobs so I didn’t need to go to school. Moved away due to toxic family at 20, worked 2/3 jobs to pay rent, married an abusive prick who landed me in over £30k debt, worked hard to pay it off. Lived comfortably in private rentals and was finally starting to put money away each month.

Her lived at home, parents paid for uni even after she got married they gave her an allowence, live at in-laws home rent free, separated and moved back in with parents rent free, parents took her on holiday several times a year. No outgoings except day to day stuff. But apparently she achieved owning her own home through sheer hard work and there was no excuse why I shouldn’t have been able to do the same.

Needless to say the “friendship” didn’t last.

YABVU to put so much detail on here, some friend you are!

Also, it sounds like the grandparents passed away to enable an inheritance, and that this young person has indeed achieved an amazing amount in the circumstances.

There are plenty of Mumsnetters who think simply going to state school means a child is deprived.....

It sounds like maybe you’re slightly jealous. What is your DD doing? To be honest coming from a background where her parents are in low paid jobs and getting into the top school in her region without tutoring is exceptionally impressive. The only stickler seems to be the tennis lessons. But being raised by a TA and a factory worker is a different experience from being raised by a solicitor and a doctor - it just is and it makes any subsequent achievements even more impressive. I think she’s right to be proud.

Whilst your observations are valid, in this case the girl's parents were in very low paid jobs and she is the first in her family to go to university. I think the OP sounds jealous of a clearly very bright and hard-working child from a very low income family. Getting a training contract with a MC law firm is absolutely remarkable. Well done her.

Also although she had free accommodation she would probably have gotten benefits to help with housing if she hadn’t inherited a house.
The real achievement was getting into the grammar school and they can be life changing for children from poorer backgrounds and set them on a course for success. They are also typically full of loaded and ambitious parents which obviously her DD didn’t have.

Also interesting to hear that the private school your DD went to had a mix of people. I remember someone saying similar to me once about a private school in the north. What she actually meant was that many of them had regional accents so clearly weren’t rich/posh.

This ^^

Maybe her child’s upbringing wasn’t Cathy Come Home but she’s done really well, given her starting point. Most of her DD’s peers will come from backgrounds where it’s assumed that’s where you’ll end up and they’ll have had access to a lot more opportunity than after school clubs and tennis lessons. Social and cultural capital counts for a lot when you’re building a career.

Inheriting a house must mean your friend was orphaned relatively young too which is always tough. Clubs and tennis tutoring are great childcare for single parents with no alternative support. All that glitters isn’t gold.

Her daughter has achieved remarkable success. She’s rightly extremely proud. Her daughter’s peers and colleagues will mostly likely be vastly more privileged than she.

You’re being petty and rather spiteful about someone who is supposed to be your friend. Can’t you celebrate that success without trying to minimise it?

Yes! I am from a comfortable middle-class background. My parents both attended uni. But when I got a job after uni in an organisation dominated by Oxbridge-educated boarding school types I couldn’t hold my own among them at all. They talked about sailing, skiiing, tennis, spoke multiple languages, had family properties abroad and so on. They just had a totally different life experience and I felt like they were so much more accomplished than me. I didn’t last in that job!

To come from a background with actual financial struggle and be able to succeed in that culture takes a very special kind of person IMO.

You sound like you’re jealous TBH. It does sound like her daughter had it tougher than most (not going on holiday, parents split up) and I know that there will be very few people in a magic circle firm who are the first to go to uni in their family, with single parents and whose parents are a warehouse worker and a TA. The fact her mum hasn’t paid a mortgage and she had a few tennis lessons doesn’t alter this. I think you should just be pleased for her and, if you can’t be, reflect on why this is.

As others have said the many people in her intake at the law firm will probably have been at private school all their lives, multiple homes probably in different countries, skiing and trips to the Caribbean, fully funded through uni, probably living in a flat owned by their parents or the parents of a friend in London. Her mum probably hears all of this but you don’t. Give her a break and be pleased for her.

YABU, compared to the peers she will be working with she has done remarkably well to get where she has.

This. I work with those firms. They are full of private school kids and wealthy tutored grammar school products. These kids learned languages from the nanny, had years of music tuition, and a home life featuring travel, theatre/opera tickets. Parents who read widely and had networks that facilitated internships and work experience.

As the daughter of a TA and warehouse staff she will be extremely rare.

I think people misunderstand the difference between 'grammar school' and 'private school'. A grammar school, any person can apply if they pass the 11+ exam - your financial background (or being wealthy) is completely irrelevant. Children from all backgrounds can and do go to grammar school. It's not just for 'wealthy' children, that's a complete myth. It's for academic children, who can pass the exam and is state run. Private school is different - parents are paying a half-termly fee to send them there, as well as passing an entrance exam. You normally need to be fairly well off to afford £25,000+ a year in school fees!

Whilst a grammar school is, in theory, for children of all backgrounds. My own experience was that there were a disproportionate number of children from wealthy backgrounds that attend. That could be due to the genetic predisposition for intelligence for children of doctors, lawyers etc or because those parents could afford the private tuition to get their children to pass the 11+.

I don’t think people are misunderstanding the difference between private and grammar but just not underestimating the factor of wealth in grammar school entry.

She's done exceptionally well considering her background. Maybe you don't realise the odds?

What sort of thing is your friend saying to make it sound like her child grew up deprived? Could you be misunderstanding her point?

I think @walltowallkents has just summed it all up at the get go. People do LOVE to plead poverty.

You didn't raise your children together. You knew each other at the time. Not sure why you are bothered about how she views her daughters upbringing. Its subjective and if she feels she's the underdog then that's her opinion, she's not wrong.

You really are showing up your lack of insight. Single mum, low income, no peers for daughter who led the way into third level, no holidays etc.

That is tough, but in your head it needs to be dickens level of poverty? Poverty and struggle takes many forms. You have no idea how many times that woman didn't have a choice to give her daughter a wanted item or opportunity.

I really find your tone distasteful, you should be ashamed of yourself, the bang of entitlement is overpowering.

She's justifiably proud of her daughter.

I don't think you're being unreasonable feeling a bit fed up about this. But the DD (and therefore by extension the mother) probably does feel like she had a deprived upbringing compared to her current peers.

My DD is currently at Uni on a course where most of the other students are from very affluent backgrounds. I consider that our family finances etc are fairly average, and better than many people- state schools, no concerns about food/heating/clothing, mortgaged home, modest holiday every year. Basically we have to be careful with money but we don't feel our DC have ever gone without. I know that when she speaks to other students it feels like she grew up practically on the breadline.