Preemptively blocking old friend

[BiscottiToffee]

Best friend of 7 years dropped off face of planet last year, overnight. She had lots of MH stuff going on.

I tried to support for years before. Was asked for space, which I duly gave. Specifically told phone calls unwelcome. Out of the blue.

In the summer, I had sad news. I know she heard, I had no contact from her.

About 3 months ago, I culled facebook. Deleted her as, for me, friendship was dead.

This evening I get a random message asking why I'm not in contact? No apology, nothing. Just asking why I haven't been in touch. It's been over a year.

I felt nothing. At first I actually thought it was a wrong number until I realised who it was.

I've blocked her. I don't want that drama again. I've moved on. I never replied.

I feel like I've been hurtful and mean.
Am I wrong to use block? I figured that was only for scammers etc.

She knows…

Leave it. It's fine. Don't spend more time in it.

What?

She knows…

Good for you op!

“She knows”. If @Fraaahnces means the woman knows why you haven’t been in contact, I think she’s right. Firstly, because she told you not to call her and then she ignored your sad news. I’ve been in some awful situations but still managed to commiserate with friends who were also having a tough time even if I was pretty much off the radar for a while.

Don’t feel bad. Personally, I think it’s very rare that someone’s poor mental health means they need to have no contact with friends. In many cases contact with good friends is exactly what they need. Regardless, she can’t expect everyone else’s life to remain static while she healed. Things change and your friendship is one of those things.

@Lurkingandlearning thank you so much.

My life has really moved on. I'd have happily picked up after a break, but not this long.

Plus, she was posting memes every day. So, I felt ignored.

Good for you OP. Friendship works both ways or not at all. Don't even question yourself. Time to move on. x

She did the right thing for her and now you've done the right thing for you. FWIW, I think you shouldn't second guess yourself.

This wasn't a friendship that ebbed and flowed, she cut you off and didn't contact you during your bad time. Well done for putting a boundary in place.

It sounds like you've done what feels right for you, and based on what you've written I can see why. Of course she might tell it differently, as there's always at least two perspectives - that doesn't mean either are necessarily wrong. It does sound like she thought you'd just pick things back up once she wanted to, but that's quite unfair of her. Live your life, move on.

If she was previously a dear friend, I would reply saying that you have had a sad time, she had asked you not to call, so you haven’t been in contact.

I have friends where we have been close and now we aren’t, but I still think of our friendship with fondness.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

I think that's fair enough OP. More dignified than I would have been as I probably would have let her have it with both barrels ... THEN blocked her!

Block is block. Talking about it on mumsnet is not block. Block this and move one. Block.

Of course you arent hurtful or mean! She literally told you not to contact her and ignored you for ages, even when you had awful things happening.

She cant then pick you up off the shelf like a dusty toy when she feels like it.

She knows full well why this has happened and you did the right thing. Life is way too short for these stupid games and people need to realise that actions have consequences.

Having suffered with MH ( Depression and anxiety, so what people would consider quite mild compared to some MH problems) I know there are large chunks of my life I have no memory of. Don't know if my brain has blocked them out due to the pain or the medication I've had to take has caused it but, it's entirely possible your friend has no recognition or telling you not to call her or even registered what she was told about your sad time. It's horrible, but is entirely possible. I was ill when my second Daughter was born and had no recollection she had been born with a hole in her heart. She went into hospital for a minor operation when she was 5 and when the anesthetist mentioned it to me, I said that wasn't my Daughter and they must have the wrong patients notes! (She hadn't needed treatment as it was tiny and it had closed on its own over a few months) still horrendous that I didn't have any recognition of it though. All I remembered was not being allowed to breast feed due to the medication I had to take. I've discovered other periods of time that are complete blanks over the years too. Your choice it you don't want this friend in your life any more, but MH problems are terrible and very miss understood. Please don't believe the things said to you by someone who is struggling with it or that they know what they said/did. It's not them when they are ill!

It's not rare that people with mental health issues struggle to be in contact with other people. Whether it's what they need or not is neither here nor there - people with mental health problems don't often feel motivated to act in a way they need. That's kind of a big part of the problem for a lot of people.

It's not rare for people who may feel a bit down and need cheering up for a period, but that's not mental illness. That's having a bit of a shit time and yes, friends might be very needed AND wanted for support.

It's extremely common for people with actual mental health issues to struggle with wanting/keeping contact with friends and cut everyone off, isolating themselves. And if they don't have proper mental health help, as people don't currently, that's what they'll do.

Anyway, OP, YANBU. Coming from someone who has kept distance from people like your friend has, I would not at all blame them for cutting me off or blocking me. I also wouldn't care so much right now - I might do when/if my mental health improves or something.

You're not mean or cruel. You're doing what you need to do to protect your feelings. They havnt acted as a friend to you, and friendship is a two way street. You're fine, no need to feel guilty, live your life.

Just to put the other side across. I lost a very close friend because I had a serious mental health problem and she wasn't able to understand why I had changed how I was interacting with her. I wasn't really well enough to do much other than eat and robitically function. Spent a lot of time online to hide from my anxiety and so would have been posting stuff. Turned out I had PTSD. Am much better now but it took about 4 years to work out what was going on and get treatment. I couldn't have explained what was going on because I didn't know and I still feel sad that she wasn't able to give me the benefit of doubt and keep contact with me anyway.
However, this might not be what is going on with your friend. But if you don't ask her you will never know and if I was you, not knowing would annoy me.

It's not rare that people with mental health issues struggle to be in contact with other people. Whether it's what they need or not is neither here nor there - people with mental health problems don't often feel motivated to act in a way they need. That's kind of a big part of the problem for a lot of people

Agree with this.

However, that doesnt make what you did wrong, OP. It sounds like you have been a very supportive friend to this person and your mental health is just as important as hers. Its absolutely fine to prioritise people in your life that are able to support you and care for you, friendship needs to be reciprocal otherwise its just one person acting like the other person's therapist and thats not really a healthy dynamic for either person. You arent responsible for anyone else's life or feelings, I would leave this alone now and move on.

I had similar and the relationship didn't survive.

My df had my problems and then dropped off the edge of the earth. Think weekly meet ups and contact to zero. Her mum told me she wasn't talking to anyone, not to take it personally and that she'd requested no contact. So that's exactly what I did. She deleted all sm and I didn't hear from her for over a year. Then up pops a friend request. I accepted and we had a few messages then 'poof' gone again. She tried again a while later but tbh I was hurt so didn't respond. I understand that mh issues come in all different shapes and sizes, but sometimes you've also got to look after yourself .

You don’t have to justify using the block button. She chose not to have contact; you’re making the same choice.

Personally I’d have had to respond, “I haven’t been in touch because you asked me not to be. Why are you changing your tune now?” Just because I’d want to know; especially as she seems to be trying to make it your fault. But if you don’t want to know, that’s fine too. She made the choice; now she’s stuck with it.

Apart from adding that people with poor mental health struggle to do the things they need to do like maintaining contact with the people who care about them, (all self care in fact) you are basically agreeing with me so why the antsy tone?

I am sympathetic to you, and to OPs friend. But, I think that if you want to maintain or, in this sort of case, rekindle friendships, you have to acknowledge what happened while you were ill. J have seen this sort of response before "well, my mh was bad so...." and I am afraid that doesn't change or remove the hurtful behaviour. A simple, "I'm sorry I haven't been the friend I would have liked to be, but I am feeling a lot better and would love to reconnect" would go a long way.

According to sil, exBils behaviour is driven by poor mental health. That may well be true. But the verbal abuse, and threatening behaviours, to me, to DH, to MIL, to BIL and even to my pre-teen ds are inexcusable. If he wants back in our lives, he needs to acknowledge that and take responsibility.

Glad to hear that. You’ll get someone come along to say posting memes was her way of staying connected or therapeutic in some way. Some people on here get very defensive when poor mental health is mentioned. It’s a very subjective topic. But you know the woman and if you’re not feeling a connection to her anymore, it’s your choice to leave things as they are now.

Personally I couldn't have helped myself and replied explaining exactly why you hadn't been in contact etc

Sometimes peoples have to be told and hear the truth otherwise how are they ever going to learn that their actions/behaviour has been wrong or hurtful

Poor mental health can absolutely cause people to behave as your friend did. But it does not give her a free pass to upset others and you would still be quite within your rights to feel upset and express that to her. Personally I would have told her how I felt rather than just blocking her, but I can also understand how you might be just wanting to move on.