Preemptively blocking old friend

[BiscottiToffee]

Best friend of 7 years dropped off face of planet last year, overnight. She had lots of MH stuff going on.

I tried to support for years before. Was asked for space, which I duly gave. Specifically told phone calls unwelcome. Out of the blue.

In the summer, I had sad news. I know she heard, I had no contact from her.

About 3 months ago, I culled facebook. Deleted her as, for me, friendship was dead.

This evening I get a random message asking why I'm not in contact? No apology, nothing. Just asking why I haven't been in touch. It's been over a year.

I felt nothing. At first I actually thought it was a wrong number until I realised who it was.

I've blocked her. I don't want that drama again. I've moved on. I never replied.

I feel like I've been hurtful and mean.
Am I wrong to use block? I figured that was only for scammers etc.

OP your mental health is as important as hers. You have done the right thing

I would be blunt and tell her why and that I would be having no further contact.

@TheTruthICantSay I agree but by blocking someone it removes any option they have to apologise.
The friend I have lost contact with now, we did chat thorough things and both apologised to each other but unfortunately the trust was gone.

But her friend started the chat with an accusation - that OP was not in contact. I think the start should have been, "I know, I've been totally out of touch and things arte bad, I'm sorry, but I'd love to meet up again".

I agree but by blocking someone it removes any option they have to apologise

If you've ignored someone for a year, you need to begin your dialogue with an apology. Even if your reasons were valid, its the least your caring/supportive friend deserves.
Instead the OP's friend made a demand.

Everything you’ve written in OP reminds me of a friend I used to have. She did have bad mental health, and I loved and cared for her so I supported her a lot. I then went through a bad time and she was no where to be seen. I noticed a pattern, she was very wo-is-me and thrived off others being there for her but wasn’t interested in being there for us.

Always on social media and a bit attention seeking

Then messages out of the blue after dropping off the radar and accuses me, knowing I’ve gone through a bad time, not even reached out. Blaming me for not checking in on her.

As someone who has had CBT, multiple bad episodes of mental health and lives with anxiety. It is hard, it’s hard to keep in touch and maintain friendships. Some struggle more than others, but your friend accusing you of not reaching out screams “I want all the help and attention and won’t help you back” to me.

Am I wrong to use block? I figured that was only for scammers etc

Why do people get so stressed about blocking someone? Block whoever you want. It doesn't matter. No need for the angst.

Your mental health is just as important as hers just as a pp has said. As someone who's really suffered (and to be honest continues to) from poor mental health, I have been the person who is a shit friend basically but I soon learned if I wanted to keep these friendships I need to see that them checking in is supporting me through this time and I will say to them that I'm not up for meeting up but I will let them know when I am. I also give them a heads up if it's particularly bad that I might take longer to respond to messages but I will always respond. I've never said to them to not contact me at all as I think this is unfair as they're part of the friendship too. It would be different if she messaged and asked to reconnect after her time dealing with her mental health but to message and ask why you've not been in touch I would be annoyed too. Plus no matter what is going on with me if I hear that a friend has bad (or good!) news I would always make sure they know I am there for them as a friendship is a two way street. It's completely understandable you are annoyed and that you have moved on. I don't think you're unreasonable to block her if you think her coming back into your life would negatively affect your own mental health. X

Thank you everyone.

Please know that I don't judge MH. My DSis has terrible MH, but she remembers to message even if infrequent.

Reading this thread has really opened my eyes to how little most people know about MH problems, despite all the public awareness of it nowadays. I suppose it's a case of unless you have walked a mile in someone's shoes.......
I'm not blaming people for not understanding, it's just, I thought people would be much more aware, so I'm quite shocked 😳

It’s not carte blanche to treat people badly then pop up making accusations when you’ve cut them off for a year and ignore major life events they’ve been through. OP’s feelings matter as much as her ex friend’s do. She’s right not to indulge this woman who doesn’t seem to care about her.

@TheTwinklyPoster may I ask what you found shocking please? I'm a long time sufferer of depression and anxiety.

@BiscottiToffee I'm not keen on blocking but I completely get why you are done with her.

what exactly do you feel people are not understanding? Genuine question.

We have an addict in our family. we accept its a disease. Doesn't change the fact that his behaviour at various times was absolutely vile and part of his recovery has been attempting to reconcile that and to rebuild bridges. He was an inconsistent and unreliable father for a long time. As far as I can tell, many years later, he has rebuilt strong relationships with his children. It took a significant amount of work on his part and, yes, a lot of grace on the part of his children.

I hardly ever block, nuisance calls excepted.

But I don't want to have future messages and/or calls because I literally have nothing to say back.

And she has form for being unable to read the room/let things go

Disagree. I have plenty of understanding of MH issues. That doesnt mean I am obliged to keep a person in my life if their behaviour is hurtful to me and thus affects my mental health.

Noone is "owed" a friendship and if a relationship is completely one sided then its not a friendship in the true sense of the word anyway.

I didn't say anything about that, did I?
Of course you don't. You are reading something into my comment that I didn't say, and are entirely mistaken as to my meaning!
Maybe your just searching for a reason to disagree with me. It just goes to show you have no idea of what I am referring to, and haven't seen how glaringly obvious it is that the majority of people commenting on this thread don't understand mental illness, and are applying the same reasoning to people who are ill as to someone who is well!

I’m going against the grain of some others here but I think she deserves an explanation. She asked for one. She’s not a stranger but someone who was your best friend for 7 years. That doesn’t mean you have to become friends again or even try to, but ghosting is just mean. Be a better person than that. Others have already written about their experience with MH issues and how it affects memory etc. I hope that has given you some insight into her struggles. Just be honest. It’s not hard to just write a reply about the facts- you respected her wish for no contact during her MH issues and you were a bit hurt when she didn’t reach out when you had sad news. This is not what you think friendship is about and hence the friendship has drifted off for you. You wish her the best.

You think it's ok for her to cut the OP off due to her MH needs and ignore the OP's bad news and then expect OP to be there a year later without even acknowledging that she behaved hurtfully? That's not related to her MH, that's just selfish and careless.

Of course it's not OK. I never said it was! Your completely missing my point. I'm talking about people not understanding MH problems. People are assuming the friend did it with a rationable mind set, which is not what someone in MH crisis has. Their brain is not firing correctly and is unable to reason the way it usually would, or they wouldn't be having the difficulties they are! It is an illness like any other, however, it's an illness that is causing the person's very essence to not be them, not be in control of their own thoughts or feelings, twist their reality and means they have no control over how they behave. Often not even remembering it properly or having a skewed recall of the whole period. This is what I mean by people not understanding!

Absolutely this, the 'yeah but..think of THEM!! they've been awful to you, but you're not centering THEM!!'
If someone has been callous and hurtful to me, it's really hard to go 'oh gosh, I really should be making sure they're OK really, who cares how I feel'.

@TheTwinklyPoster, are you then saying that we need to understand that her behaviour is irrational.

But, even with this in mind, still unacceptable?

Or have I missed the point again??

If the friend was suffering a long spell of MH problems, what's the point sticking the boot in and being blunt? It adds no value to the situation whatsoever, other than making that struggling friend feel even more shit. Yes it might make you feel better to offload and get it off your chest, but that's about it. I bet the friend does know they didn't exactly cover themselves in glory, but it is what it is.

ime, it's best to just move on, not hold a grudge, accept that a "clean break" by the friend before they did the disappearing act wasn't possible if their MH was all over the place, and at least leave it on a neutral note.

YANBU to do what you want, if you feel that this friendship is over. If she had approached you in an apologetic or at least somewhat tentative tone, maybe I'd suggest giving her another chance, but with managed expectations. She might not be as good a friend as you'd thought, but she could still be a friend. However, her just asking why you haven't been in contact when she's the one who originally requested limiting contact would seriously irk me, leaving aside anything else.

Either way, you don't owe her anything, and it's okay to ignore her, if you feel it's for the best.

Thank you.

I have "dropped off the face of the earth" when I had bad MH problems. I didn't even realise it at the time. I'd leave my phone off for months.

If she treated you badly, you should do what you feel is right.