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Original poster

To struggle with drop in communication/end of honeymoon period?

45 replies

EvieR · 19/11/2024 11:36

I have a good partner who has a full on job. He usually keeps in touch well but now is a busy period. When we met he messaged all the time, in the last 2 months that amount has roughly halved. We're over a year in.

He phoned me for 1.5 hours at the weekend. Yesterday he told me he was going to lunchtime event that he knows is also a topic close to my heart (a charity related to a close relative's illness) so I asked him to let me know how the event goes and he replied 'will do'.

I sent him a photo of something and asked how the event was at 5pm when I finished work. He 'liked' my message but didn't reply or answer the question. He also hasn't messaged all morning.

Am I a being needy or has his communication become crap?

OP posts:
Original poster
EvieR · 19/11/2024 11:55

Anyone? 🙂

OP posts:
ImSue · 19/11/2024 12:24

Maybe he's waiting to tell you about it properly rather than a text, given it might be a potentially sensitive topic for you?

Original poster
EvieR · 19/11/2024 12:32

@ImSue I don't know. It seems unlikely, especially as he said he'd let me know how the lunch went.

We usually speak just before bed and if that gets missed, then in the morning. Still heard nothing, so it's unusual.

But not unusual in the sense that he's been treating me a bit out of sight and mind in recent times. I feel more upset about it probably because of current circumstances.

OP posts:
GiraffeTree · 19/11/2024 12:37

I think it's really normal for messaging to reduce from very frequent to less frequent by the time you've been together for a year. And you spoke for 1.5 hours at the weekend so it doesn't sound like he's losing interest. Basically, this is the "real him" in terms of level of communication, whereas before he was unusually active. The question is, are you happy with the current position? Can you accept this level of communication, or will it make you feel unhappy?

ExtraOnions · 19/11/2024 12:51

Why do people need to be in constant contact?

I find this new way of dating bizzare .. way too intense, way too quickly, and people wonder why it goes wrong

TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 19/11/2024 12:54

Sort of agree with the post above this. This may be the real him.
My initial thoughts were it is crap BUT I've learned from reading here on MN that quite a few people don't like or expect regular or daily communication with their partners so it's about what is right for you.

My fiancé and I (is that grammatically correct?) don't live together and the communication has been consistent throughout. We speak daily (several times) and message also and this is right for us.

Edited to say we've been together for five years if that helps for context.

Original poster
EvieR · 19/11/2024 13:03

@TheRealKatnissEverdeen yes I think the issue is he was consistent up until around 2 months ago.

@GiraffeTree might be right that this is the real him. I almost feel that he's contacting less and seeing how much less he can get away with.

The problem is I'm feeling needy and conflating it potentially with his interest level. I don't need to be in 24/7 contact - but I don't love sudden drop offs without an 'im going to be busy' warning.

OP posts:
Amazingday · 19/11/2024 13:10

3 years in with my DP. To start he was chasing me with texts and being complimentary. I did find it too much so didn’t reply straight away. Him on the other hand texted straightaway

he then reduced texting nearly a year in. I did struggle and thought he was losing interest. He said no just felt comfortable with me to not need to send pointless texts. He did call each day after work.

we broke up for 5 weeks 6 months ago. Got back together and he didn’t text much to point of radio silence. I did have a msssive chat with him about it. He said he was trying to not use his phone and hated pointless texts. I did go mental saying I was the one he needed to maintain communication with. He got it now and we compromised and chat daily on phone on days we don’t see each other and texts used to confirm plans or quick questions.

Gonk123 · 19/11/2024 13:12

Has the physical ck race changed in terms of frequency, does he still seem into when you see each other. I think that could be a good reflection

Original poster
EvieR · 19/11/2024 13:14

I think I've noticed a drop off in general sharing things. Before he'd text me about little things he was doing and now I won't hear about them unless we talk on the phone.

Usually he'd come back from an event like that and be keen to share - and to be fair he said he would share.

I think he isn't excited about me anymore. He feels comfortable in the relationship and I'm struggling to accept the next, less lovey dovey stage. @Gonk123 when we're together everything is fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
EvieR · 19/11/2024 13:21

Also the circumstance with my relative has been hard. I was keen to hear about what he learned and experienced at the charity event.

I guess not replying when I asked feels off. I'm probably overthinking.

OP posts:
Ihaveneedofwaternear · 19/11/2024 13:22

Every relationship reaches a more "comfortable" stage, it's nothing to worry about. And maybe consider what amount of contact would have felt normal before everyone had a mobile phone? (Don't know how easy this is to do, depends how old you are). I know this is the world we live in now, but it's a very, very recent social phenomenon to expect constant contact all the time. No one needs that. If things are fine when you're with him, be secure in that. He's just living his life outside of the relationship.

Gonk123 · 19/11/2024 13:23

I would maybe leave him to contact you and just see how he is. I think it’s better to have conversational updates rather than text. It will be less exciting than at the beginnng but that doesn’t mean it’s the end, it’s just a natural relaxation in a relationship which is actually a good thing. He’s comfortable waiting perhaps? See what happens and try not to worry too much (this comes from an over thinker who panics like mad ha ha) also, you could do what I do and just be honest. It doesn’t have to be anything heavy, just check in and say oi you don’t message like you used to what the heck…just a light hearted thing rather than being needy/heavy. Just admit it’s has left you a little insecure and I am quite sure he will reassure accordingly.

gannett · 19/11/2024 13:23

He feels comfortable in the relationship and I'm struggling to accept the next, less lovey dovey stage.

Is this a pattern in your relationships? Because the stage of needing to be in touch all the time, never wanting to see anyone else and generally being less lovey dovey is totally natural. And frankly being comfortable in a long-term relationship is the best thing about it. I wouldn't want to maintain the intensity of the honeymoon period at all. It doesn't mean your feelings diminish, just that you don't have to work to reaffirm them all the time.

In any case

I have a good partner who has a full on job. He usually keeps in touch well but now is a busy period.

even in your own words you said he's busy in a full-on job. So... this is also a good reason for communication to fall off a bit.

gannett · 19/11/2024 13:24

He said he was trying to not use his phone and hated pointless texts. I did go mental saying I was the one he needed to maintain communication with.

Gosh I would have dumped you on the spot if you went mental at me for trying to cut down on phone use.

XWKD · 19/11/2024 13:25

If you come across to him as needy, he probably feels suffocated.

Pinkmoonshine · 19/11/2024 13:25

You sound a bit needy to me. I remember dating before mobile phones and there were nice long gaps then person to person communication.

dontcryformeargentina · 19/11/2024 13:26

Stop chasing him- it kills the desire in men. Expand your interests, make yourself busy

MeganM3 · 19/11/2024 13:26

Maybe feel pleased that you've got to the stage where he's comfortable and safe enough in the relationship to know you're together and will be there, so there's no rush to message all the time and he can focus on work. And speak to you in depth when you're both available.
If you feel like he is pulling away or something else is going on then of course that's different. But from what you've said, all seems good.
As long as you're seeing eachother an amount that works for both and you have quality time together, that's better than messages back and forth.

GiraffeTree · 19/11/2024 13:28

Moving on to the "comfortable" stage is normal and a good thing.

Original poster
EvieR · 19/11/2024 13:28

The thing is he used to be the 'needy' one! He'd message more than I'd usually message a partner. But then I got used to our routine and liked it.

Now he's eased way off and it's quite hard to get used to it. Going through a difficult time with my terminal relative probably is blowing my emotions up x10. I haven't been messaging him lots or appearing needy though. I keep it inside I think!

OP posts:
Original poster
EvieR · 19/11/2024 13:43

MeganM3 · 19/11/2024 13:26

Maybe feel pleased that you've got to the stage where he's comfortable and safe enough in the relationship to know you're together and will be there, so there's no rush to message all the time and he can focus on work. And speak to you in depth when you're both available.
If you feel like he is pulling away or something else is going on then of course that's different. But from what you've said, all seems good.
As long as you're seeing eachother an amount that works for both and you have quality time together, that's better than messages back and forth.

This is definitely the most positive interpretation and I hope this is the case. 🙂

Almost 24 hours is a long time for us not to speak really. Maybe it will happen now and again.

OP posts:
Oxforddictionary12 · 19/11/2024 13:51

This would drive me nuts too OP. You aren't being needy at all- you're aware of a change in behaviour. The frequency of his texts have changed, yes anyone can be busy but you want someone who is happy to make you their first priority. Monitor the situation for now. I'd keep making plans with friends and plan things that make you happy. Definitely don't chase him- but equally don't settle for being treated as anything less than first choice.

Original poster
EvieR · 19/11/2024 13:59

@Oxforddictionary12 I generally feel his job is his priority. I don't think this means he doesn't love me, but he's in the first years of building his career and I do take the backseat sometimes. I'll try not to chase!

Its unfortunate at the moment because I can't really do things that make me happy as much. I'm visiting family because my relative is nearing the end of their life. Its hard. I am seeing a friend this weekend though.

OP posts:
Oxforddictionary12 · 19/11/2024 14:08

EvieR · 19/11/2024 13:59

@Oxforddictionary12 I generally feel his job is his priority. I don't think this means he doesn't love me, but he's in the first years of building his career and I do take the backseat sometimes. I'll try not to chase!

Its unfortunate at the moment because I can't really do things that make me happy as much. I'm visiting family because my relative is nearing the end of their life. Its hard. I am seeing a friend this weekend though.

Yes, it sounds utterly bloomin tough for you right now. Keep your chin up, I wish you all the best.