For texting fighting neighbours?

[MissKittyFantastico84]

Just after a general consensus really...

We live in a house with neighbours either side and the walls are thin - a fact we're all aware of as we all have kids.

All relationships are good natured and polite, we do little favours for each other when people go away - feed cats, water plants etc. Normal neighbour stuff.

Our neighbours to the left have clearly been having some marital issues over the last few months. I work from home and have been party to some huge rows through the walls in the daytime. Absolutely none of my business however, and I'll walk to a different room to avoid the noise and stress.

But the fights have been quite nasty, and the general tone has meant we have backed off from socialising with them. All still polite, but just want to create some distance.

However last night, when I was putting my son to bed, a huge row erupted in their child's bedroom - which they absolutely know is directly next to my son's room. There was shouting, banging, pulling stuff out of drawers maybe - this was around 8pm.

I moved my son to a different bedroom to go to sleep. He wasn't upset, but he was asking questions.

The fight continued then eventually came downstairs. Stopped half an hour later and all was silent.

My question: should I send a message on our group chat and mention how unacceptable I found that situation? I don't care if they fight at 2pm on a Monday because I have no interest in their personal issues - but my husband and I do not behave that way, and I don't think it's OK for my son to be disrupted by it, especially when he's trying to sleep.

Or should we stay well out of it?

Advice please!

Of course, they can be, however, the statistics are clear this is more usually a male perpetrator. And I personally am rather afraid of angry men, but less so of women, so if I was going to talk to either of them I would talk to the woman.

Hello all - just to clarify REALLY clearly...

It is a 'group chat' with JUST these neighbours, not those on the other side. I would never put it out in the world to other people like that.

My reason for taking it to them both in our neighbour to neighbour chat is that they really do give and take in these fights. So I felt it was appropriate to bring it to both of their attentions.

The concern on my side is not about a 'sleep schedule' - my son is seven, so those days are behind us. It's 100% about him hearing loud and obnoxious arguments that we take good care not to expose him to in our home - and just before bed as well, when he's meant to feel relaxed and safe.

Thank you for your thoughts all.

My husband and I are going to keep an eye on it, chalk this one up to a one off - but if it happens again or becomes a regular occurrence, have a quiet word.

All the best.

I think you’re doing the right thing.

A couple of times I would let slide but if it becomes a regular thing then putting it in the group chat sounds like a good idea- I would be VERY careful how you word it though.

If you hear it again you could message asking if they'd mind turning their TV down a bit as you can hear it over yours and don't want to turn yours up as your little one is a sleep.

I'd be worried about the impact of their own children being exposed to these arguments. It doesn't matter if they don't become physical, they're still experiencing domestic abuse.

When my neighbours are having a row I put my music on a quick blast really loud or turn my TV up - it's my way of telling them I can hear them and usually it goes quiet lol

I don't know. Give us a clue...

@Chaseandstatusignore you're stuck in my @
@Isittimeformynapyet my wife the abuser

I’d not get so blatantly and directly involved in their business. By acknowledging their row openly you’re acknowledging the how far the boundary has stretched, to the outside world, so once they’ve overcome any embarrassment they will be ok going there again, and further, as the trend continues.
As a responsible adult you have a safeguarding duty to any child being subjected to domestic abuse of any kind, as recognised in law. This applies to their children and yours.
You may hear thumping and banging but you can’t see what or who is being slammed, pinned, pinched or punched. Or what’s being conveyed in their expressions, the whispered threats or the tears. They are possibly horrified by what’s becoming their reality. Embarrassment could easily become the fckit trigger for one to go scorch earth on their relationship.
They need an objective outsider with some authority to gain their attention and bring them up to speed with where they are and how quickly it can go past the point of no return. They can choose to remember the person they fell in love with, married and created a family with as they brought another little person into this already troubled world.
Let the police be the reality check, they are trained to navigate the process and address any safeguarding concerns. You be you, wife, mother, neighbour.
Where there are kids involved, please, don’t hesitate. These memories will shape their young lives and last a lifetime. It is a call for 999.
Anyone hearing them could call for an intervention, you don’t have to let the her know it was you to make the call. Your identity will be withheld as a third party in the event of a data subject access request.

I wouldn’t interfere by texting, you don’t know the full situation and the woman (or man) could be at risk of violence. Try and catch her alone and ask if she’s ok, woman to woman she may open up knowing you have heard the fights and needs someone to confide in. If it continues I’d be considering calling the police, it’ll make them aware you hear it all and may also get them the help they need.

I definitely wouldn't txt and say I think it's unacceptable, that doesn't sound helpful. I'd ask her if she's doing okay if I saw her, and if you hear again where there is banging and possible violence I'd call police.

Don't tell your other neighbours. If you are concerned and can't my put your child to sleep in another room, speak to one of the arguing neighbours in the day when things are quiet. If you become concerned about violence occurring, phone the police. Otherwise stay out of it.

Or the man it's not just women who are abused

You need to stay out of this, it's none of your business.

@Randomrover has put it perfectly, contact the police who have the training and can speak to your neighbours. As a child raised in a household where massive arguments occured, it absolutely had a detrimental effect on me .

Certainly not in a group chat!! Private message making them aware that it's awkward to listen to them

Just because you and your husband does not behave "like that" at this point doesn't mean anything in the great scheme of absurdity we call life... Sounds like they are going through something much more serious... Stay out of it.

What? Abuse is not gender specific and can be perpetrated by either partner. It also comes in many forms... not just domestic violence.

Why would it be different if they're not a heterosexual couple?

Their kids yes, and with that in mind I would have knocked on the door to check on everyone - in the hope that it jolted them out of their fight. I wish someone had done that when I was a child in a very volatile household.

My first concern would be that everyone's safe.

Depending on what you’re hearing, if you’re concerned for the welfare of the child, you ought to call the police. If this is a DV situation, then putting it on the group chat is only likely to worsen the situation for the victim.

@Chaseandstatus women can be abusers too. Whether heterosexual or not. Infact many men are abused by women and there are plenty of same sex relationships that are abusive.

As its a regular thing and your son is now asking questions I would 100% tell them that it is not acceptable and next time you will contact 101.
In fact, record what you can hear so they are fully aware of the level they are reaching and send that to them.

If they have children you should be reporting it anyway.

I agree with @Trumptonagain @MissKittyFantastico84 . They may not realise the sound is escalating along with their rows. I think it is entirely appropriate to have a gentle chat along lines of ‘sorry to bring this personal stuff up but last night we could hear xxx in my son’s room and he was asking questions so we moved him. I absolutely don’t want to pry but just wanted to let you know we can hear’ as opposed to ‘keep the noise down, blah blah’ which is also true but somewhat insensitive. Difficult one!

Just put some music on or turn the TV up. This is none of your business so keep out if they manage to resolve their issues you will not be in favour if you interfer.