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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Man at bus stop

38 replies

Feelinstressed · 19/11/2024 09:41

There is a man I've seen relatively regularly (every few weeks/once a month, for a few days on the trot) at my bus stop when coming out of work. It's very apparent he has some type of learning difficulties - bear with me please as this is relevant to why I'm unsure how to kindly handle this. He is an older man, I'd estimate about 60, and not the most mobile, but is walking etc if you see what I mean.

He likes to say hello to anybody and everybody and have a brief chat - I overhear his chat and it's the exact same sentences/questions, to every person, every time. Completely harmless. Some people engage, others ignore him. He waves at strangers driving past etc.

He clearly seemed very friendly and in need/want of a chat/connection with folk. So I engage when he says hello, and asks me the same question every time. I quickly ask him how is his day, and let him know when the bus will arrive.

The last time he said hello it was somewhat different. Started as usual. He then approached me very closely, getting in my personal space, and bear with me how I describe this, took hold of the sleeve of my coat, so that his hand was both inside the sleeve and outside, looked at me in I'd say almost an affectionate way, and asked if my 'coat was warm'. I felt a bit uneasy at this and just sort of awkward laughed and said 'Yeah, still cold out tho eh' and made my excuses to move quite some distance away and stare away at my phone in an effort to ignore him. Out of my peripheral I could see he then started approaching me again, and I refused to make eye contact so as not to encourage him, and carried on scrolling on my phone. Next thing he's stood so close up to me, that I think he's looking over my shoulder at my phone. I look up and no, he's just staring at me, his face barely a few inches from mine. He asks me something else but I couldn't really understand, and then he makes a comment about my blonde hair, so I again stepped a few paces away, at which point my bus thankfully showed up.

The next morning when I arrive to work he's there, at the bus stop outside my work (opposite side of where he gets the bus in the evenings). I've never once seen him there in the morning - NEVER, it's only ever been evenings. Could be coincidence.

I leave work, and make a note to see if I can see him at the stop before I cross the road, so I can avoid him if he is, and thankfully it's all clear. Except when I actually got there he was there, just cleverly positioned out of view. He waves and says hello whilst I'm some 20 feet away, at which point I've already got on my phone on a phone call to avoid talking to him, so I just wave and turn my back. He starts approaching me again and repeating hello. I wave hello and point to my phone at my ear. He continues approaching, so I walk away further, and he then stops, and goes back to where he was. After a while, still on the phone, I have to walk back closer to the bus stop again as my bus will arrive soon, and yet again he starts approaching me, so I have to walk away again. My bus arrives and he makes a point of saying hello over and over again as I get on the bus.

I'm DREADING seeing him again. There's no other route I can take, it's in the middle of no where. I appreciate he has some difficulties, given this, AIBU to feel really unnerved by the man? I'm not usually such a wet lettuce, honestly, but he didn't half make me very uncomfortable with touching/comment about my hair. I suppose the feeling of unease is because I fear it will escalate next time, more than just a touch of my coat sleeve this time, which I wasn't expecting, so I'm not sure what to expect next time. What do I do?

I'm 32. I should have this kind of thing down. But I just don't.

OP posts:
AreYouMeOrWhat · 19/11/2024 09:43

You are allowed to tell him to stop.

toomuchfaff · 19/11/2024 09:46

We are so ingrained to be nice, but your safety and comfort should over ride that, you're not nasty, or bad to tell him that's he's standing too close, or that you're too busy to chat, don't want to talk to him etc. I'm not sure the best way to deal, but coming to say don't feel bad. Your safety is more important than a strangers feelings.

Feelinstressed · 19/11/2024 09:48

AreYouMeOrWhat · 19/11/2024 09:43

You are allowed to tell him to stop.

Thank you. I kind of already have - when I say I'm moving away now... he says OK. Waits a bit, then gets up and approaches me again. Telling him doesn't really seem to be having much of an impact for longer than a few minutes when he just tries again.

I want to handle it sensitively. I was just trying to be kind to the man and engage with his chat. I don't like how close he gets, the following, the touching. BUT I'm not sure if IABU, and he's just harmless but doesn't understand social boundaries.

OP posts:
LuLuRN · 19/11/2024 09:51

Tell him very clearly, step back, you are being inappropriate, I don't like it and I am uncomfortable. I would also probably put my hand up in a stop motion.
Sometimes you need to be very direct when someone potentially has a learning disability.
No one has the right to harass you.
If he does not take the hint please contact the police.
(I'm a nurse who works with offenders who have a LD)

Catza · 19/11/2024 09:51

He may not, indeed, understand social boundaries. This is where you have to very clearly set them. Don't say "I am moving away now". It's neither here nor there. You need to use direct language: "stop", "no touching", "step back, please".

Auvergne63 · 19/11/2024 09:55

I work with adults with learning disabilities and some do not understand personal space.
If they are too close to me, I always tell them firmly to move back. That was I would do with this man. Be prepared to repeat it numerous times tough.
I also say " I don't like it when people are too close to me".
I hope this helps.

Ratatouillewitheverything · 19/11/2024 09:55

If he has additional needs you could use a phrase including the words "personal space" as he's likely to have heard this from carers at some point. Sorry you're in this position when you've just tried to be kind, but being verbally clear could be the most important thing if he's repeatedly trying to engage and you haven't specifically told him to stop.

Onlyvisiting · 19/11/2024 09:55

Saying you are moving away is relying on him picking up normal social cues. Which he clearly isn't.
Given the circumstances I'd start off by saying firmly but kindly- please don't touch me/ please stand further away, I don't like you being so close/touching me. You could say it makes you uncomfortable but I'd steer clear of anything that would invite further discussion, ie, 'oh sorry, why?'
Be more direct. If that doesn't work then I'd escalate but definitely start with ' don't do that, it's notnik, I don't like it' etc.

Feelinstressed · 19/11/2024 09:58

Thanks folks... I really struggle with being assertive, as you can tell.. I really wish I didn't.

I'm not the best in social situations myself and constantly have people overstep boundaries, it needs to stop. But until I somehow get a bit of a backbone, it won't I guess.

I take on board the point that I'm trying to use social cues that he just won't understand, it's a useful point for me to think about.

OP posts:
MorettiForMargo · 19/11/2024 10:13

Agree you need to use clearer language with regard to what you want him to do.

”Please don’t touch. That makes me feel uncomfortable.”

”I need some personal space. Stand further back.”

Don’t feel the need to be too nice. Firm and clear.

Unfortunately, I have some experience of this sort of thing from my teens/20s with a local man with ASD and it got quite sinister after he found out where I lived and worked (very similar to Baby Reindeer!). I’m ND myself but I think it’s important to remember that having a LD doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is harmless - your safety and comfort take priority. My biggest mistake was that I felt sorry for him and tried to be kind when we first met. I could have saved myself years of problems had I told him that he was making me feel uncomfortable and that I wanted him to leave me alone.

My instincts are that he’s taken a shine to you, maybe even romantically and it would be better to nip it in the bud so it doesn’t escalate. I’d also find a way to mention your “husband” at some point. It took the police and becoming engaged to rid me of my stalker. In fact the engagement ring was more effective than the police in getting him to stop!

How about some headphones in the meantime?

“I can’t chat. I need to listen to my podcast/audiobook/Teams Call.” etc

Cardinalita90 · 19/11/2024 10:17

You sound like a really kind and empathetic person in how you engaged with him. He's clearly lonely or craving social interaction. However he's clearly not able to read your cues about backing off so I agree with PPs and tell him more directly "can you move away please, you're too close to me".

Hadalifeonce · 19/11/2024 10:21

You have to say to him that it is very rude to get so close to someone, and that he needs to stand further away.
My brother has learning difficulties, and if someone speaks to him, he thinks they are his friend, and needs to be told directly, not hinted at.
He is harmless, but I can imagine it is very unnerving for anyone who is just being nice to him, not expecting him to become 'creepy'.

ginasevern · 19/11/2024 11:14

Learning difficulties or not, he isn't your responsibility and he is a man (in other words he could hurt you). Be firm with him and stop engaging - even smiling. I was in a similar situation once and the bloke got the message/got bored and moved on.

ByHardyRubyEagle · 19/11/2024 11:17

He will probably be in assisted living, maybe find out where and let his workers know? He obviously has a lack of understanding of boundaries but at the same time if he’s able to go out independently, he’ll have to know that he’s negatively affecting others.

SweetSakura · 22/11/2024 07:49

It would be completely acceptable to talk to the police about this.

Someone having learning difficulties doesn't make them harmless.

Can you speak to work and ask someone to accompany you? Or get a taxi or change what time you finish

CeeCee2022 · 22/11/2024 08:06

As others have said you need to be firm and consistent in your approach. Tell him he needs to stay out of your personal space and please do not touch and are busy so cannot talk to him. Do this calmly but firmly
If you think he is following you tell him he can't do that. Maybe even ask him who looks out for him or does he have a carer and does he have a number for them and call them.
He most likely thinks you are his friend now because you have been friendly in the past but with direct, clear communication from you Boundaries can be established that make you comfortable.

Doggojumpsdoggo · 22/11/2024 08:52

As the mum of a disabled child I really think it’s lovely of you to engage, and echo what PP have said. I do worry about what will happen when my cute 5yr old is a hulking great adult, if people will be nice to them.

It’s not rude to state you like personal space, how you say it can be rude, but the request is fine.

Some people just need it explaining in simple terms.

ChristmasCarnage · 22/11/2024 08:56

what @Auvergne63 said. My DS has no understanding of personal space at all so you need to be clear in what you are saying. “I’m moving away now” doesn’t mean anything. “You need to move back please, I need space” is a clear instruction,

Pherian · 22/11/2024 09:01

You need to be more direct.

“ I don’t want you to touch me or get near me.”

“ you are making me uncomfortable by getting into my personal space”

“back off”

I would suggest telling your employer the situation and asking if you can alter your schedule slightly for a couple days to see if he’s there.

If he is actively waiting at that stop through the afternoon for you, then you need to speak to the police to find out what you can do, because you are being stalked.

Lurkingandlearning · 22/11/2024 10:19

You said where you work is in the middle of nowhere so perhaps bus stops aren’t as close to each other as they are where I live…. Could you walk to the next stop to avoid him altogether.

You shouldn’t have to do that, I know, but it would allow you to avoid being direct and assertive with him. And depending what is causing him to behave the way he is he may not remember what you have told him from day to day so you might have to go through those direct instructions every time he sees you.

Similarly, I don’t think the police could do much more than tell him to keep his distance and again he might forget. However, if he was to follow you he to the next bus stop they would have reason to take more robust action, possibly finding out if he has a carer/care home and speaking to them.

Jiski · 22/11/2024 12:07

Please let us know how it goes. If you fear for your safety, call the police because it seems almost like stalking now. Also you need to just stop all contact. No talking or chat or anything.

SweetSakura · 22/11/2024 12:10

Lurkingandlearning · 22/11/2024 10:19

You said where you work is in the middle of nowhere so perhaps bus stops aren’t as close to each other as they are where I live…. Could you walk to the next stop to avoid him altogether.

You shouldn’t have to do that, I know, but it would allow you to avoid being direct and assertive with him. And depending what is causing him to behave the way he is he may not remember what you have told him from day to day so you might have to go through those direct instructions every time he sees you.

Similarly, I don’t think the police could do much more than tell him to keep his distance and again he might forget. However, if he was to follow you he to the next bus stop they would have reason to take more robust action, possibly finding out if he has a carer/care home and speaking to them.

The police would be able to check their records and assess the level of risk.

Pussycat22 · 22/11/2024 12:11

Sometimes sensitive don't work. Tell him to leave you alone or you may have got yourself a stalker. Take care.

ExtraOnions · 22/11/2024 12:20

Have you got a PCSO locally ? Have a chat with them. I would imagine this man lives with someone, the PCSO could find this out, and have a chat with them.

Singleandproud · 22/11/2024 12:26

Does your work have a security team member who wouldn't mind coming with you and waiting for the bus? A major employer in our city is doing evening security patrols from the three office buildings to the car park as it's a few roads away to ensure staff feel safe going about their business knowledge the darker nights.

I've had similar happen in a shop I worked at as a teen and the older supervisor read the situation quickly and instructed me to go in the back everytime he came in and eventually he was asked to stop entering the premises.