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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Man at bus stop

38 replies

Feelinstressed · 19/11/2024 09:41

There is a man I've seen relatively regularly (every few weeks/once a month, for a few days on the trot) at my bus stop when coming out of work. It's very apparent he has some type of learning difficulties - bear with me please as this is relevant to why I'm unsure how to kindly handle this. He is an older man, I'd estimate about 60, and not the most mobile, but is walking etc if you see what I mean.

He likes to say hello to anybody and everybody and have a brief chat - I overhear his chat and it's the exact same sentences/questions, to every person, every time. Completely harmless. Some people engage, others ignore him. He waves at strangers driving past etc.

He clearly seemed very friendly and in need/want of a chat/connection with folk. So I engage when he says hello, and asks me the same question every time. I quickly ask him how is his day, and let him know when the bus will arrive.

The last time he said hello it was somewhat different. Started as usual. He then approached me very closely, getting in my personal space, and bear with me how I describe this, took hold of the sleeve of my coat, so that his hand was both inside the sleeve and outside, looked at me in I'd say almost an affectionate way, and asked if my 'coat was warm'. I felt a bit uneasy at this and just sort of awkward laughed and said 'Yeah, still cold out tho eh' and made my excuses to move quite some distance away and stare away at my phone in an effort to ignore him. Out of my peripheral I could see he then started approaching me again, and I refused to make eye contact so as not to encourage him, and carried on scrolling on my phone. Next thing he's stood so close up to me, that I think he's looking over my shoulder at my phone. I look up and no, he's just staring at me, his face barely a few inches from mine. He asks me something else but I couldn't really understand, and then he makes a comment about my blonde hair, so I again stepped a few paces away, at which point my bus thankfully showed up.

The next morning when I arrive to work he's there, at the bus stop outside my work (opposite side of where he gets the bus in the evenings). I've never once seen him there in the morning - NEVER, it's only ever been evenings. Could be coincidence.

I leave work, and make a note to see if I can see him at the stop before I cross the road, so I can avoid him if he is, and thankfully it's all clear. Except when I actually got there he was there, just cleverly positioned out of view. He waves and says hello whilst I'm some 20 feet away, at which point I've already got on my phone on a phone call to avoid talking to him, so I just wave and turn my back. He starts approaching me again and repeating hello. I wave hello and point to my phone at my ear. He continues approaching, so I walk away further, and he then stops, and goes back to where he was. After a while, still on the phone, I have to walk back closer to the bus stop again as my bus will arrive soon, and yet again he starts approaching me, so I have to walk away again. My bus arrives and he makes a point of saying hello over and over again as I get on the bus.

I'm DREADING seeing him again. There's no other route I can take, it's in the middle of no where. I appreciate he has some difficulties, given this, AIBU to feel really unnerved by the man? I'm not usually such a wet lettuce, honestly, but he didn't half make me very uncomfortable with touching/comment about my hair. I suppose the feeling of unease is because I fear it will escalate next time, more than just a touch of my coat sleeve this time, which I wasn't expecting, so I'm not sure what to expect next time. What do I do?

I'm 32. I should have this kind of thing down. But I just don't.

OP posts:
BibbityBobbityToo · 22/11/2024 12:39

Similar thing happened to my colleague and we had to eventually involve the police as the person started hanging out at their home address as well. It started innocently enough but escalated over a year or so.

A few ideas:-

Tell them to go away, you don't want to talk to them. (A lady on a train once asked me to pretend to be her friend as a man was bothering her.)

Any other regulars at the bus stop you could buddy up with?

Big coat, hood up, scarf round your face.

Would a colleague let you jump in their car and drop you off at a different bus stop or different bus route?

Can you talk to your employer and see if you can switch up your working hours to sometimes get an earlier or later bus? Any colleagues that could stand with you? My colleague's stalker used to scamper if another colleague walked out with them chaperone style.

WorthyBlueHare · 22/11/2024 12:42

Totally reasonable to feel the way you do. You’ve tried to hint/gently redirect him but you need to be extra clear now.

“I don’t like people standing close to me, please move further back”.
“Hello. I don’t feel like chatting today/I don’t have time to talk today.”
Once you are unambiguous, if he goes against what you have explicitly requested, then you can ramp it up with, “I feel uncomfortable because I have asked you not to do X and you keep doing it.” Louder and stand near other people.

Msmoonpie · 22/11/2024 13:02

The thing is - you are so well socialised to be polite that while you say you’ve asked him to stop - you haven’t.

You just told him you were moving away. He may not know what you mean.

Tell him firmly “Please stop touching and talking to me I don’t like it. Please move away from me”.

MarilynSays · 22/11/2024 13:18

sing/shout (so other people can hear you) the boundary song to him that I have taught my 4 year old.
"please stop! I dont like that! I'm feeling uncomfortable, I need more space! Not around me, don't take this personally, it's just a boundary, it's just a boundary". It's a kids song on youtube which has helped her, as a boy keeps pushing her in the queue at school.

Failing you wanting to do the above, report to your local police, and ask them to keep an eye out. Your voice is your best weapon. Hope it gets sorted.

Falseshamrok · 22/11/2024 13:25

My sister has learning disabilities and can act very socially unacceptable, wanting to cuddle
strangers, speaking to absolutely everyone and
asking very personal questions.
i tell her to stop, and if she does it to others who look uncomfortable, I tell them to just tell her to stop. And she does. She has the mind of child so basically needs to be told not to something, she cannot work it out for herself. She isn’t offended or upset, she just moves onto the next person 😂

don’t be scared to tell this man to stop, or say no firmly. Actually, don’t be scared to tell anyone to
stop.

PrivacyPussyPasta · 22/11/2024 13:26

Balaclava or baseball cap and sunglasses, with your hair tucked in.

Maybe with a disguise he won't recognise you 😂

MargotEmin · 22/11/2024 13:26

Feelinstressed · 19/11/2024 09:58

Thanks folks... I really struggle with being assertive, as you can tell.. I really wish I didn't.

I'm not the best in social situations myself and constantly have people overstep boundaries, it needs to stop. But until I somehow get a bit of a backbone, it won't I guess.

I take on board the point that I'm trying to use social cues that he just won't understand, it's a useful point for me to think about.

Think about it this way: be clear and direct is kind because you're helping him to understand what is appropriate and what's not.

I have a sibling with a learning disability and over the years a few of his friends have invaded my personal space and/ or tried to touch me when I don't want them to, and I've learnt to say very clearly "that's inappropriate behaviour Gavin, I want you to stop doing that now", it always goes down absolutely fine.

In your case it already seems to have gone a bit further than that though and I think you probably need to say something like "turning up outside of my work is not acceptable and I don't feel comfortable chatting with you anymore, if this happens again I might need to speak to the police okay?" I would also tip off your work about what's happening just to be on the safe side.

Amarige · 22/11/2024 13:29

'I want to handle it sensitively'

Well there's your problem.

Be fine and tell him to stop standing so close etc.

Having learning difficulties isn't an excuse to harass and intimidate.

custardpyjamas · 22/11/2024 13:33

He's adopted you as a friend, lonely not so bright people can get very attached to people who are just being casually polite. I don't know if his intentions are more than that which is where it gets scary. Is there anyone else at the bus stop you could strike up a conversation with? Even explain that 'that guy' is making me uncomfortable. Could you walk to the next stop if it's not far or start/finish work 15 minutes earlier or later to miss him at the bus stop. Get someone from work come and stand with you until the bus comes for a few days until he hopefully loses interest. Otherwise you may have to be really rude to put him off, but he could react unpredictably and might get angry.

toddlepod · 22/11/2024 13:34

Maybe tell him you don’t like anybody being close to you so you can deliver your message without being too personal. If he keeps crossing lines you’ll have to tell him straight that it’s inappropriate and to keep his distance

Saschka · 22/11/2024 13:42

If he has learning difficulties, other posters are right, he is not going to understand hints about social boundaries unless you are very clear.

”Please could you move away from me, you are too close”, “I want to read now, please go and sit down over there”, “you are standing too close to me, please move back two paces”. “I asked you to move back, please do not keep moving closer again”. “I don’t want you to touch my sleeve, please let go and go and sit down over there, and stay there until the bus comes”.

He’s unlikely to be offended by this, if you are using clear language.

I sympathise, when I was 14 there was a man with obvious learning difficulties who used to follow me around the bus station as I waited to go home from school, and was oblivious to me awkwardly moving away from him. Then one day he decided I was his girlfriend (after all of our “dates” at the bus station) and lunged at me, pinning me against a wall, sticking his tongue down my throat, and groping me. It really traumatised me, I was a small 14 year old and he was much much bigger and stronger, and I only got away when my bus arrived. There’s a lot I should have done differently in retrospect, but I didn’t want to be mean.

Screamingabdabz · 22/11/2024 13:44

This is the problem when people (usually girls) are raised to be nice and polite and smiley. When they’re adults people (usually men) take advantage of that.

It doesn’t matter what his issues are it’s time to drop the smiling, waving and niceties. Say ‘No I don’t want to talk so please leave me alone now’ or hold your hand up and say ‘don’t come any closer.’

I’m afraid like it or not you’ve got to get shitty - he won’t get the message otherwise. Men are generally fixated on their own wants and needs and it’s only curtness that breaks through.

And just remember this experience if and when you’re raising daughters.

mezlou84 · 22/11/2024 18:29

You have to be firm. He has taken you to be a friend since he sees you often so is approaching you as one. My son used to be like this, though constant redirection, repetition and reminding him that he is in personal space has made him much more aware though friends and family. It is harmless but not any less unnerving for a stranger. If someone talked to my son then they were his friend and if he saw them regularly then he would be excited to see them and get too close, just because he couldn't wait to see them and talk to them. He practically sat on a poor blokes knee at the bus stop he sat so close to him. Apparently he talks to him regularly and I had to remind him that sitting that close is inappropriate and to keep his bubble to himself. I also told the bloke he is autistic and doesn't understand subtle hint or social niceties, so if he bothers him or gets too close to please tell him and not in a round about way. Please tell the man he is welcome to talk to you but he isn't to touch your arm even if it is warm. He may have a slow processing speed too so instructions must be simple and 1 at a time. He goes to come too close say too close, stay there, then continue. He won't take offence. You aren't being unreasonable at all about your feelings just be very direct.

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