Kids welfare means supporting Dad to detox

[KidSafetyFirst]

My husband took himself off, ostensibly to visit friends and family and has dramatically relapsed on alcohol after a year of sobriety. It's a huge mess too complicated to put into a readable length post.

This thread is to ask AIBU to feel responsible for enabling him to have a temporary roof over his head in our closest city where he can access recovery services. He made contact with these services yesterday but as he's far from home he can't see his GP or meet face to face with a recovery caseworker.

I've been clear he can't return to our family home (vulnerable child, safeguarding don't even need to mention I've had enough of the merry go round). In my own mind we need to judicially separate asap, I've seen a solicitor and am waiting for her written advice.

We only rekindled our relationship very recently and got married so just a few months of living as a family.

I feel strongly that it's in my child's best interests for his Dad to survive this relapse and get appropriate professional help as soon as possible. Even without active drinking he's got a lot of health problems and is vulnerable so isn't able to deal with eg benefit claims without a lot of help.

IABU: This is not my problem, if he dies he dies
IANBU: I am responsible for him and I should use my savings to find him somewhere to stay, near the recovery service, and find a way to get him transported from where he is.

It's entirely possible that he will end up in hospital (miles away) and professionals will take over. Unfortunately a precipitating event could be fatal.

Your priority is your child. You can't help an addict , only they can help themselves. Let him figure out how to get himself help and be there for his child.

This is a tricky one - sounds like you’ve been through the mill. It is his responsibility to sort himself out, but when my ex-DH had a mental health crisis after we separated, I did look after him for the very reason I felt it was better the kids had a reasonably stable (and also alive) dad. It didn’t involve financial outlay, though.

Are you in a position to support him in this way?

I have had a few alcoholics in my family, including my dbro and mum who died young as a result.

Whilst it's true that it isn't your responsibility to look after an addict, I also see your point that it is in your dc's best interests not to have an addict for a parent or a dead parent.

I would do it temporarily if I could afford to without your dc missing out on things because you have to pay his rent. But I'd have a clear cut off point. I also feel a bit sorry for the landlord you might be inflicting him on, but I get that wouldn't be a priority

Back to basics:

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

But of course for the sake of your shared DC, you want him to survive this. What exactly would be involved if you took responsibility for him having a roof over his head (presumably conditional on him accessing support services)? What's likely to happen if you don't?

I wouldn't do it. This is going to sound harsh but, as a daughter of an alcoholic father and a mother who spent 11 years turning out lives upside down so that we can have a "alive and well dad", I can say that a dead father is OK. Mine's been dead for quite a few decades and I stopped speaking to him a decade earlier anyway. And I am still a bit pissed with my mum for not leaving him to it earlier. I understand her dilemma from the wisdom of my age now but I certainly can't entirely move on from what she put us through as children.
Your husband is with his friends and family now, why can't he access recovery services where he is? How long are you planning to accommodate him and what will happen if he relapses again?

I also have alcoholics in my family, only one still living. I would say hold onto your savings. The likelihood is that you will be solely responsible for financially supporting your DC. Do what you can to help him access the support, but not with your own funds.

Everyone here hates men with a passion and will tell you to leave them as soon as they stub their toe and do a swear.

Yes this man needs help and support to deal with the illness he is suffering from. If you replace alcoholic with cancer, see if it changes your mind.

My father died from alcoholism when I was 15. It has been a scar that has never left me as a person. Do what you can, within legitimate self preservation of keeping yourself safe, to get him all the help you can.

You're a family, you made a pledge and promise to help and support each other come what may. This is the help and support he need. Ignore the haters.

It sounds very similar.

The sanest way to find the money would probably be to have a brutal clearout and find a lodger.

I absolutely see you point but for a person with ASD and other conditions accessing recovery or any healthcare, may require help. They aren't necessarily able to find that help if completely on their own.

Remember the guy who starved to death when his benefits were cut off.

I think you probably need to work out a way to give very boundaried support. I would not be using savings though as a PP pointed out you may well be a single parent in the future and may need that money if anything happens to you.

It is a difficult balance but I think you can 'be there' for them, signposting and supporting but without extending yourself. How would you feel if you spend all your savings on paying for accommodation and then they relapse again (which is sadly very likely)?

Protect your resources and ability to take care of your child in the longer term. If the worse happens and they do lose their dad (despite all and any support you can give right now) you may well need time/energy/money to support them.

I say this as someone who is currently very unwell, probably as a consequence of carer 'burnout' from trying to support someone beyond what I now realise I was capable of.

In this case, no absolutely not. Your DC have enough to contend with without a lodger moving into their home. The sad truth is, unless their Dad is willing to help himself the outcome is likely to be the same whether you blow all savings on helping him or not. Do your best to support him but save your money for things that help your DC when needed eg counselling. Your priority needs to be your DCs welfare.

Absolutely with you here. Yes, if he's not in a family set up of some kind he really needs to be in some variety of assisted living (pre marriage he wasn't coping in a flat by himself even with some care support and had we not married he would have needed to move into eg over 60 supported living flat.

I am 100% concerned about a potential landlord if an individual. This is making me realise it ideally needs to be eg housing association or other unicorn 🙄

What a bloody mess.

Thank you yes the 3 Cs are an absolute mantra.

He's reached out for help and sounds convincing about wanting it.

What would be involved in helping? Time, energy and money.

If I don't? Still a certain amount of time energy and money, potentially a very big mess. Risk of fatality much higher if I don't help but could happen either way.

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You can't be responsible for it safe his life.
But that you are there for him is amazing. Just please do also give him the responsibilities that belong to him. It's his job to keep himself alive for himself

Would he attend the fellowships
A good sponsor could help him navigate things whilst also keeping the responsibility where it belongs..with him

Thank you so much for this perspective.

He's not with friends and family. Bare bones is he went to stay somewhere on his own that's closer to various people he wanted to see for a meal out here and there.

In theory he could stay put but he should have left already. It's not a cost free option but also isn't somewhere he can get help (paramedic attending yesterday looked into this and put him in touch with recovery services near us).

Excellent point

That suggests to me that he is not yet ready to put recovery above all else. And that will mean he will fail. Be clear sighted about this. Being an addict of any kind is hard but you don't get to overcome addiction unless you recognise what a beast it is and how you and only you can change things.

That is a lovely and loving response.

In my experience it's possible to make matters worse while trying to help and it needs a lot of skill to give the help that enables someone to make their recovery their absolute priority.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I have list people too and I guess I always need to feel I have done my best.

I think if it was 100% that the only thing standing between him and recovery/being a good dad to your dc was money, then yes it would be worth it.
But in reality the percentage chance is much much lower, the motivation has to come from him.

Don't waste your time or your money - both of which are better spent on your child.

Getting a lodger encroaches on your dc's life too much. I would not do this. I was thinking you were a super high earner or something. No way would I bring a stranger into my home to pay someone else's rent. That is not benefitting your dc. As pps have said there is sadly a high risk he will relapse again, even if you move hell and high water to help him.

I would have felt the same about my mum who due to alcoholism, so this isn't about "hating men" at all fwiw

He told me an old friend of his is an AA member and wanted us to speak to each other. She's git decades of sobriety and has been trying to 12th step him with every fibre of her being.

In fact he had a very successful CBT rehab experience 20 years ago and stayed sober for a decade before the pandemic hit. CBT approach makes more sense to him than 12 step. Unfortunately that organization closed a good while ago and since he relapsed in 2020 he hasn’t found stable sobriety or a support group.

Good point

I think I need to print this out and keep in in my pocket.

You can always rely on an alcoholic to leave you with having to find the least shitty choice out of a bunch of very shitty options...

Yes, it is in your child's best interests for his dad to survive this relapse and go on to long-term sobriety. But short of locking this man up in a cell it is not within your power to ensure that outcome. If you give him a roof over his head will that help? Maybe. Or maybe it will just give him somewhere more comfortable to continue drinking in.