Kids welfare means supporting Dad to detox

[KidSafetyFirst]

My husband took himself off, ostensibly to visit friends and family and has dramatically relapsed on alcohol after a year of sobriety. It's a huge mess too complicated to put into a readable length post.

This thread is to ask AIBU to feel responsible for enabling him to have a temporary roof over his head in our closest city where he can access recovery services. He made contact with these services yesterday but as he's far from home he can't see his GP or meet face to face with a recovery caseworker.

I've been clear he can't return to our family home (vulnerable child, safeguarding don't even need to mention I've had enough of the merry go round). In my own mind we need to judicially separate asap, I've seen a solicitor and am waiting for her written advice.

We only rekindled our relationship very recently and got married so just a few months of living as a family.

I feel strongly that it's in my child's best interests for his Dad to survive this relapse and get appropriate professional help as soon as possible. Even without active drinking he's got a lot of health problems and is vulnerable so isn't able to deal with eg benefit claims without a lot of help.

IABU: This is not my problem, if he dies he dies
IANBU: I am responsible for him and I should use my savings to find him somewhere to stay, near the recovery service, and find a way to get him transported from where he is.

It's entirely possible that he will end up in hospital (miles away) and professionals will take over. Unfortunately a precipitating event could be fatal.

*died due to alcoholism

Thank you, everyone. I am so grateful for your kindness. I know I'm in danger of getting sucked in at the same time un hooking the links and handing care over eg to social services, isn't the work of a moment.

Without going into the specifics if I went as far as cutting contact there would still be debts and a practical mess building up that I will have to address eventually whateverthe outcome. It is impossible for this to be cost free for me.

I'm sorry for your loss.

It's really difficult to deal with these sad circumstances isn't it.

Realistically think your options through. Leaving aside the should you do this, think of the cost ramifications of supporting him. Could he get a rental agreement in his name? If you rent it then I think it becomes subletting which isn't usually allowed. More likely option is to be a guarantor, but if you can't afford to pay that as a regular weekly cost then this is really not a good idea. If you guaranteed the rental for him how long could you pay? You'd be liable if he refused to move out but couldn't or wouldn't pay, it could be many years of liability. If you can't afford that ongoing potential liability then you can't afford to do this. If his behaviour isn't antisocial could he afford a room in a share house or studio flat? Does he have a claim to the family home?

It is impossible for this to be cost free even if there weren't those debts and practical considerations to deal with, there'd still be the emotional and mental fall out and the energy needed to support your DC. This isn't the same as him having cancer, addiction is an illness but it's not one where you can be cured, let alone cured by someone else. Addiction isn't the same and the considerations and the costs, mental, physical, emotional and money aren't the same, the impacts are different. I would say the same If a man were posting about his wife who was an addict. The biggest priority here is your DC and then you, not him. Even if you struggle to put your needs before his the first priority means that you need to. Your DC needs one parent who's not overwhelmed or falling apart or burnt out, he can't be that parent, so making sure you don't burn out on this needs to be a higher priority then supporting him. You are worth being a priority for yourself, but if you struggle to justify prioritising yourself remember that your DC needs you. They need one loving supportive parent who's not burnt out and who's not broken.

Seems like there is even less of a reason to throw more money at the problem, given that you will be in financial troubles regardless. Be careful that it is not the "sunk cost fallacy" that you are being sucked into.

I had a close family member who died in their 30's due to alcoholism, and have other family members who are alcoholics - while you will feel guilt for not helping as much as you feel you could have no amount of help, time and money may be enough to actually help. Aside from locking the person up with no way to get alcohol there isn't anything anyone else can do to stop an alcoholic drinking if they want to and there is nothing you can say to make them not want to, (Not sure if you are in the UK) - But it's near impossible to find somewhere like this and once they are able to again they will drink if they want to. There isn't any money / help / support that can work except the person themselves deciding they will not drink again, and this is as likely to happen if you don't give support than if you do, so providing an apartment could easily turn into you paying from somewhere to drink even more in.

Don't spend an amount of time or money that will have an impact on your / your child's life and while this may feel difficult and unkind they are unwell with something out of your control and without the addiction / illness would likely also want you to prioritise yourself and child.

I wouldn't be entertaining a conversation where an old ladyfriend lectures me on how it's an illness and your job is to smile benign whilst paying all the bills.

He wouldn't be encouraging it if she were going to say that he's not your problem, not your responsibility, cut him loose and let him reach rock bottom without further emotional, physical and financial costs being dumped on you over and above what your legal liability is, would he?

Having experience of supporting people with addiction issues (through work) and in dealing with addicts in my own family, I think it's understandable to want to support, but not to the extent of paying to house him.
He will be risky for any regular tenancy, especially a house share/lodger scenario and you will get sucked in to dealing with that.

I think researching options for supported accommodation that support people with addiction issues, and helping him get into one of those if available in the area, or supporting him to present as homeless, and for either, paying the (small) deposit to accept such services, would be a reasonable limit. Iv taken family to housing appointments, got them bus passes, paid the utility charge, helped them move etc. I wouldnt risk setting them up in a private tenancy of any kind.

Sorry you're having to deal with this, I can understand how hard it is when people tell you to cut them off, but then you're having to deal with your own conscience and feelings if the worst happens. It's a horrible position to be in.

I agree with this. I would seriously ask yourself (obviously you don't have to answer me), in a completely bloodless way, what he actually contributes to your children's lives. If it's really just the concept of having a dad, maybe take on board what this poster has said and decide on your assistance accordingly.

Moving a lodger into your children's home is a big deal and not necessarily in their best interests.

I'm blown away by this. It's exactly what I need to hear and remember.