My partner watching porn.

[Ariylah]

I've been with my partner for 7 years. I've explained to him on the 1st occasion I caught him watching it how uncomfortable it made me feel (i was in tears). I have then caught him 2 more times after this conversation. It made me feel numb towards him. I then seen he was viewing his ex's profile (She's on OF) which is pretty much of her in next to nothing.

This made me feel sick. I honestly can't deal with it. I feel like I'm not good enough- I have 2 children my body doesn't look like those other women and I never will. I feel like I can't trust him. To me it's as good as cheating. He then has been listening to ASMR of women whispering sexually- he says this is a way to relax- I understand ASMR but whispering in a sexual way? I think not.

I get the usual... 'All men do it' & how I'm over reacting.
He knows how I feel about it and I honestly feel like I don't want to be with a man who feels the need to look at other women. It makes me insecure - like why am I not good enough? Im the mother to his children?

Am I over reacting do you all agree with him. Its driving me mad.
😪

His ex? Christ...😞

YANBU. You should break up. You can't trust him and you consider his actions cheating -> you shouldn't be together.

The porn wouldn't bother me as I'm not insecure and find most porn absolutely cringe, but looking at his ex almost in the buff would be an absolute no.

You don’t have to be “insecure” to object to porn, much of which not only objectifies women but normalizes violence against us.

OP, you’re absolutely right to be sickened by this - the lack of respect he’s shown you is staggering. And no, “all men” don’t do this — that’s just what the shit ones say to try and make you feel like you’re BU for objecting. You really aren’t.

So sorry you're going through this op. It's awful. You're completely valid in everything you feel.

Please look at love after porn on reddit for support and resources. Lots of lovely women going through all the same (unfortunately)

When you feel ready please read Dr omar minwhall secret sexual basement and integrity abuse.

Porn doesn't bother me in the slightest, but I don't think it's anything to do with not being insecure, we all just have different views around it and that's ok.

You're not odd, insecure or anything else because it bothers you - we are all different. You've expressed and confided in him how you feel and he's took no notice, that to me is probably the most hurtful part.

The ex thing on OF is a big no no for me, though. Crosses a big line.

I'm sorry you're putting yourself down so much - please don't allow a man's behaviour dictate how you feel about yourself. He's a dick and aside from him, I think you need to take some well deserved time to work on yourself and fuck him off.

He's a knob.

Porn wouldn't bother me. I found my boyfriend watching porn once and I just watched a bit of it with him. It was pretty boring!

I wouldn't stay in a relationship where my partner watched porn.
It's an industry that exists by exploiting and abusing women. A lot of porn promotes and normalises violence against women. Watching porn desensitises men. They need to watch more and more extreme porn to get off on it. It affects their ability to have a normal relationship with women.

You have talked to him about how you feel and he is not prepared to change his behaviour. The porn is already more important to him than you are. You will be much happier if you leave the relationship.

The porn wouldn't be an issue for me - him looking at his ex's porn absolutely would though, jesus.

Not liking your partner looking at porn has zero to do with insecurity. If it turns you off him, and he knows this, he’s choosing porn over being a man you can love, so he’s addicted/stupid.

Being upset, angry, shocked, whatever about porn isn't anything to do with insecurity (except that it shows self-respect). It's about horror and despair at the objectification of women, the misogyny and the wider effects, on women all over the world, of normalising such behaviours.

Then you are an idiot. Porn is full of non consensual content, porn hub had to take down most of its content as it was deemed non consensual/rape, underage or trafficked women.

Stop trying to be the "cool" girl.

Porn is an absolute blight.

OP your partner is a disgrace.

Sorry you too are going through this, I am struggling similar it is out right disturbing, we've been together 19.5 yrs ,I have expressed how I feel about it and he did it again while gone hunting this weekend. He seems to think he is doing nothing wrong by getting off on other woman and that I am insecure. I told him last time if I found out again, I was done, I would separate. I have been sleeping on the couch for 2 nights now and he still hasn't apologized and probs never will cause he thinks there is nothing wrong with it.... I am over and done with the disrespect!!

Only you can decide what you're happy with in your relationship.

Some women are OK with their partner watching porn. I personally would not be and I would not accept it in a relationship. It's whatever your boundaries are. Don't let anybody gaslight you if you aren't happy with it.

Well he's on the fast route to never getting laid again, isn't he? Turning himself into a dirty old lech, when he could choose to be a nice family man.

Of course you could choose to be a fabulous single lady OP.

Being realistic, many men watch porn. In fact, I think you'd be hard pushed to find one that hasn't at some point or another.
I appreciate the arguments about objectifying women, etc, but men (for the most part) simply don't see it in the same way as us women do. I know plenty of men I grew up with (my brothers included- I know because my mum had a ridiculous Virgin bill from the porn they were paying to view!) who viewed/still view porn regularly. Most of them are in loving relationships and are good partners/husbands and fathers.
Porn does not turn the majority of men into violent rapists who objectify women, no matter what some on here tell you! If that were true, there would be very few decent men out there as most have watched it at some point in their lives!
A lot of women on here will claim they'd never be with a man that watches it. However, that's naive in my opinion. Most men probably just wouldn't tell you. It's not exactly hard to delete search history.
I agree him going on OF and looking up his ex is completely wrong and I wouldn't forgive him for that personally.

Same for me too.

Not bothered about pre recorded porn but anything interactive like cam girls or anything personal like wanking over someone he knows would be too far.

Does he actually subscribe to her? Or was he just looking at the profile out of curiosity? I've never looked at OF so I don't know how much you can see if you're not subbed.

I think you would be hard pushed to find a guy who has never watched porn, but it doesn’t sound like he has much respect for you, especially with the ex thing. That is just really weird.

Doesn't matter whether it's porn or something else, if he is actively (and repeadly) choosing to do something that he knows hurts and upsets you then he's not the man for you it really is that simple.

I'm a woman and I watch porn. If my DH told me I wasn't allowed to watch it I'd think he was controlling. It's the same as reading spicy romance novels. All just a fantasy.

I wouldn't be happy with looking at someone he knows on OF as that goes beyond fantasy, especially as it's his ex. I would be really upset about that and consider it borderline cheating.

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The prob thing I wouldn’t care and I think YBU. Not saying I’d like to see my bf had done this as, yes it would hurt my feelings, but the very vast majority of men watch porn.

The ex thing is something else all together, how incredibly hurtful.

For me, this would be a deal breaker because of the state of modern online porn.

The majority of it nowdays is way different to when I grew up in the 80s. Back then we had Playboy and Hustler mags and VHS with corny vanilla porn as mainstream. The more violent stuff was niche. No longer.

Now the majority involves some level of violence against women; slapping, hair pulling, ejaculating on faces, and worst of all, choking. This is all violent sexual imagery.

Then theres the problem that so much online porn is made using trafficked women, it recorded without consent of all parties and so is abusive. There is no way to tell if what you're watching is this, or just paid actors, so inevitably regular users will be watching trafficked people and abuse. That's disgusting, no one should ever be doing that.

I simply could not be sexual with a person who is turned on by this, and if anyone tried that shit on me I'd be outta there so fast.

I've read and watched what Gail Dines has to say about modern porn. I don't want to be with a man who is porn sick and treats me like a sex bot. That disgusts me.

Unfortunately it's the biggest sector of the internet and a majority of men watch it , more so in younger generations. I truly believe it's a massive unrecognised global experiment that is making society increasingly sick. It will not end well.

So yeah, I'd LTB.