Smoking family members

[Blueyfan20]

Hi everyone

Was hoping to get some opinions….

We are going to be visiting family over Xmas and they are smokers.

They are heavy chainsmokers and will not listen to us when we ask them to change clothes and clean up. Along with waiting the 30 mins after a cigarette like the NHS recommends. They smoke in their house and car constantly.

They are very hostile whenever smoking is mentioned because they know we won’t allow it near our baby. We have had many arguments over it.

I am not comfortable having them hold/kiss our baby when they smoke so much. As mentioned earlier they will not clean up/change their shirt before wanting to hold our baby. I don’t know if it’s unreasonable and would like hear some opinions/get some advice.

We are after reassurance and/or solutions that we are doing the right thing and not being “overprotective”

We are just trying to protect our baby.

How is it going to work if they smoke in their house, and you’re in their house?

You can’t really get away from it if that is the case!

YANBU, I would avoid going altogether and just be honest that you have very different lifestyles and you don’t want to be nagging about smoking. You’ll have a miserable time by the sounds of it and nothing more frustrating as you’ll repeat yourself over & over and will be internally wound up, your family cannot see the harm and it’s a vicious circle

YANBU but you can’t stay at theirs given the circumstances. If you want to visit, stay at a hotel and see them outside their home.
I haven’t set a foot in my mother’s house for over a decade for the same reasons. I can’t stand the smell, but it’s her home so I can’t tell her what to do. The only thing I can control is my own actions- ie not going there. She visits and smokes outside or we meet at neutral locations or I stay at a hotel when I visit.

I wouldn’t be visiting at all as even if they don’t spark up when baby is there, the whole place will stink of cigarettes. I wouldn’t want my baby smelling of smoke either from a cuddle so if they aren’t prepared to follow the rules, then i’d knock visits on the head until baby is older

I wouldn't go, especially with a baby.

My DC were not taken into smokers’ houses. Simple as that.

Are you staying at their home and do they smoke inside their home? If so, forget it! I’d have to stay at a nearby hotel or just cancel altogether.

We are thinking of meeting at a restaurant but they will smoke on the way up and before entering the restaurant, won’t change clothes or clean up like we have asked and it just makes it very awkward to meet them and just causes an argument

Tell them if they want to hold baby they need to wash their hands when they come to the restaurant and bring spare tops to change in. It’s not that hard. Or just don’t go.

It’s very difficult. Easy in practice to say ‘just don’t go there’ but there’s more to it if it’s a close family member.

My parents are chain smokers. Used to smoke outside but DF is now in a wheelchair so they ‘just’ smoke in the conservatory. Of course, it leeches into every room.

I hate taking Dc there but it’s realistically the only way to maintain the relationship given DF’s disability. I had two fairly healthy babies though and made the trade off (maybe I was just too non-confrontational and trying to keep the peace, I don’t know).

DSis has just had her first and she’s fairly adamant they won’t see baby in their house. I respect that, it’s her call, I’m sad for the impact on the relationship between her and her baby and our parents but fully respect her decision. Or rather, their decision to keep smoking. They have a pretty crappy deal with Dad’s condition though so I don’t blame them a lot - they didn’t quit for us so I guess they were never going to for DGc. Maybe I’m just resigned?

I bloody hate taking the DC there and whenever we come back literally everything reeks and goes straight in the wash. But that’s my call.

It’s like so many things with parenting. You just have to make what you feel is the right call and ignore the naysayers.

Ah I see that’s good you’re at least not staying at their home. Would it help if you stop them from holding the baby for the first half hour or so after they arrive in the restaurant to comply with at least some of the NHS recommendations you mention?

Your baby is fortunate not to grow up in a smoky house. As they will not be exposed to smoke much on a day to day basis are there any risks from an occasional encounter with smoky relatives? I don’t know one way or the other so that’s a genuine question!

Smoking is not a thing in my family partly due to my cultural /faith background and few if any of my social circle smoke so it’s never really came up in my circle when new babies are around!

Oh and insist on them not kissing the baby. Smoker or not it a parent asks you to not kiss their baby you should comply out of respect. If they want to hold the baby after the 30 minutes you can just casually say you need to wash your hands. If they refuse to do even that, which is a common thing people do in restaurants before eating anyway, it can’t be that important to them clearly.

You just don't go, quite simply I absolutely refused to have my DC held by smokers. I didn't care what they thought still don't.

The same people can't understand how their children has so asthma, non stop chest infections 🤦‍♀️

Don't go? I wouldn't.

Even if they agreed to change their clothes I'm afraid all their clothes will have the stale smoke smell.
My Mum smokes in her home and everything (including the dog) stinks of smoke. She's given me clothes for the charity shop but they all reek of smoke.

It won't harm your baby to be held once by a smoker in a restaurant which will be smoke free. And just walk ahead so you aren't downwind of the smoke.

It's really not worth the fuss

I would go to restaurant but make your expectations clear beforehand, so they have time to make an informed decision rather than them pretending they didn't get advance warning.
For me it would be, great, let's meet up. You can't hold the baby if you have smoked in the clothes you are wearing, just so you know and can make an informed decision about what you want to do. See you on Sunday!

I did similar with my brother in law and his dangerous dog, made my line in the sand clear for the safety of my child, he thought I was being unreasonable but I have never regretted it and, more importantly, my child has never been hurt.

Eh the research says otherwise. I suggest you look up third hand and residual smoke. The smoker is breathing it out for hours after smoking.

I think it's easier to take a stand early on rather than grit your teeth and let resentment build up.

It's once.

It's completely safe.

I agree with this. I don't think the clothes are a big deal but the whole house stinking of smoke being surrounded by it is a problem.

I'd meet outside at a country park or pub garden and when baby isn't newborn anymore.

I really suggest you read any of your jurisdictions reputable publications which in detail set out the increase risk of smokers holding baby. Why would any parents ever expose a baby to unnecessary risks? Saying it is completely safe is bull and inaccurate.

The danger lies in more regular contact than once a year. The guidance is referring to smokers who hold the baby frequently. Once a year is negligible.

What about the nursery workers, doctors, nurses, paramedics, even midwives that smoke that may need to hold a baby. They don't all change their clothes every time they have a cigarette.
Even in the restaurant there will be plenty of people that pop outside between courses for a cigarette, and a lot of kitchen workers smoke - trust me!

I wouldn't really care whether it was safe or not, I just wouldn't want a stinky smoker near my baby.

My FIL smokes but only ever outside. I'm asthmatic and very sensitive to smoke, but we never banned him from holding the DC as babies or playing with them now they're older. We don't see him often (typically an afternoon every few weeks), so were happy to take the occasional third hand smoke risk. I wouldn't let anyone actually smoke near them, obviously.

If the DC had taken after me and reacted then we obviously would've had to have some difficult conversations (also with MIL re her perfume which is as bad if not worse for me) but thankfully they don't, they take after very healthy DH.

Life is all about balancing risks Vs rewards, and the reward of a close relationship with their wonderful grandfather was definitely worth it. They're 6 and 4 now and don't even know what smoking is, but they know granda is mad craic.

I suspect the damage done from cuddles with granda is substantially less than my daily walks down the high street with the buggy.

Personally, in your circumstances OP I would be more than happy to let them cuddle the DC in a restaurant.

Certainly wouldn’t go to their house and I’d ask them to wash hands, but I get it’s extremely difficult. I refuse to stay at my dm’s tiny house, it stinks. Last time I stayed before she moved out of the big family home, I got a bloody chest infection!