Baby cried in public. Friend made me feel embarrassed.

[Mustard7]

I have a 6 month old. He cried briefly whilst I was out with some friends the other day. Namely because he head butted me and he is teething too. Plus, babies just cry sometimes. It was unexpected as my baby is usually so placid.

What did bother me was a ‘jokey’ comment from one of my friends - ‘OMG control that child’.

He was fine shortly after but perhaps a little bit wobbly. The same friend took him at one point and then hastily said ‘you can have him back’.

I can’t put my finger on why this has stuck with me but I can’t stop thinking about it.

This friend is going through a tough time herself at the moment. She’s one of my favourite people and I know would never intend to make me feel this way but I do feel judged. She cooed over my baby at different moments too but it’s probably human nature to focus on a negative comment.

Perhaps I need to look outwardly than inwardly.

AIBU to feel upset about this? Was my friend a little out of line or do I need to grow a thicker skin when she was clearly joking?

Crying is a sign of distress and no one wants a baby to cry and be in distress. Admittedly it's not like a crying baby on a long aeroplane flight, but Maybe the crying went on for longer than you realised.

It was a joke, she just probably doesn’t realise how you would take it.

I have kids and grandkids and I’m a bit confused as to why you’re upset and it’s still on your mind, but that’s probably because I’m a long way from those young baby moments. I can only assume that she’s not on that page either.

She sounded a bit clueless, maybe was trying to put you in your place for some reason. It's bit of a dumb comment.

Wait until she has a baby 😆You can then sweetly tell her to control her baby when she is going through a period of sleep regression and teething.

do I need to grow a thicker skin when she was clearly joking?

Yes you do, if she was clearly joking

As she is otherwise a good friend with no history of being impatient with you i would give her the benefit that it was a joke.

I would have myself prepared for what i will say if this happens again, but i would let this one go although i would also be a bit annoyed.

Maybe "not helpful or funny" would work if happens similar happens again.

I'm going g to assume the friend doesn't have a baby or children herself. Many of us can remember being quite judgemental of parenting before our own kids humbled us into submission. Don't take it personally, it sounds like she has zero experience with babies and is a bit uncomfortable around them. Friendships do change when one of you has a baby, and not always in a positive way.

Me too.

I'm on the fence here. I don't think it was a very kind thing to say, but I also think you're over reacting to let it bother you this much. Put it behind you OP.

Are you the first in the group to have a baby?/ first meeting with that group with the baby?

Perhaps she feels a bit put out that the dynamics have changed. Talk to her. If she is such a good friend she would hate for you to be stewing over something that probably came across differently than intended

YANBU.

It was a nasty thing to say. Not sensitive to you as a relatively new mother. If that’s the level of your friend’s ‘jokes’ I’d find funnier, kinder friends.

I wouldn’t say anything on this occasion. But, if she says similar things again, I’d have a quiet word and let her know it upsets you. If she’s a good friend, she’ll understand.

If she’s never had a child, I’d explain to her that it’s stressful going out with a baby and women can feel extra sensitive within a few months of birth and especially if they’re breastfeeding (if you are), which is why they’re at risk of post-natal depression. That’s why they need kindness and support when out.

You should never have to get a ‘thicker skin’. What that means in reality is hiding that you’re upset to spare someone else’s feelings. You should never do that. Your feelings are your feelings and therefore valid.

However, what I would say is if your baby cries for more than and few moments in a public place, or in a group, I’d take them outside until they calm down, as it’s considerate to other people. It can be irritating to hear a baby crying when you’re trying to relax or chat. And maybe that’s what your friend was stressed about?

You're probably more sensitive because you have a small baby and it's very tiring and intense. The comments would have bothered me too but you say she's your favourite person so I think it's all harmless. You won't even think about it this time next year.

You don't have to give a reason to Mumsnet or anyone else for baby crying though. It's what they do.

Aren't both of those comments very common jokes? Especially when you aren't keen on / experienced with babies?

It sounds like the kind of thing people say about an off-lead dog jumping up. It is an inept comment that would slightly annoy me.

@Killingoffmyflowersonebyone

I have never seen someone with a crying baby and thought that they should 'control their child'. Babies cry.

Even with older children who are throwing a tantrum, I don't judge or think that they should be 'controlling' them because I do not know the situation. Maybe it is a child with autism having a meltdown.

This.

Don't take it seriously. If she was serious then drop the friend.

How old are you all, and do any of your friends have babies?
I’m not excusing her comments, but I think context is important.

Maybe your friends just isn't great at handling babies, but she cares about you a lot, so she ended up seeming a bit awkward. Still, it's completely understandable that you felt uncomfortable from a mom's perspective.

She's your friend, not your baby's friend. It was unkind, but not malicious. I'd let it pass and accept it might be a bit harder to spend lots of time together until your DS is a little older.

YANBU. I had a similar experience with a friend when my baby was 7 weeks old, I found it completely unsupportive and inappropriate (she had form though, and this was the final straw). Anyway - your feelings are valid. It could well be that your friend had no ill-intent but it still upset you. ‘Control that child’ is a pretty irritating thing to say! I take it she doesn’t have children? Babies cry all the time, it’s how they communicate, it would be concerning if they didn’t cry. I have a strong dislike of these sorts of comments because being a new parent is hard enough and there’s so much judgement about so many aspects of parenting. I know parents who are too nervous to take their babies out in public due to receiving horrible comments from strangers about their baby crying. As a society we need to be kinder.

If your friend is a good one though you should be able to talk to her about it. If she is an otherwise good friend I would be inclined to try to let this go, but it’s understandable why it upset you.

It clearly triggered something in you, so I’d be looking at your reaction. To me that would have been a mild, unproblematic joke.

But then DS was a spectacularly grumpy baby, so I didn’t turn a hair when he expressed his negative feelings about being born publicly.

I'd roll my eyes inwardly and then ignore her.

If it's really bothering you then maybe say something to her along the lines of: look I realise/hope you're just joking but the joke falls flat when I'm already sleep deprived and a bit stressed.

Her reaction will tell you all you need to know.

I did say it was clumsy phrasing.

Your friend could have been a bit more sensitive but also having a young baby and all that comes with it like the sleep deprivation, anxiety etc can make women extremely emotional. It's OK

I don't know. I'm in 2 minds about it.

Other people's babies are a pain in the arse. I'm sorry to say that to you, but many people do feel that way. I have 2 kids, although they are a lot older.

Your baby is your world. Outside your family, nobody really feels like that about your baby. There will be a whole spectrum from liking your baby/enjoying holding baby, to people who find the baby a bit of an inconvenience, to people who think "it is a screaming/shitting machine".

Your friend’s comment was rude and thoughtless. As it seems to have been a one off from a usually decent person having a tough time I would let it go and accept people just say the wrong thing sometimes.