AiBU to feel resentful?

[Plansomethingalready]

Married nearly 20 years, have DC. Husband is a really good man and dad. Loyal, upright, kind, supportive and really, genuinely funny.

But he can’t organise a fucking thing for us. I do all the planning and sorting - our life admin, our holidays, our social life. All of it.

ive probably created the issue now by doing it for so long but over the past few months, the resentment has started to build. I feel like our relationship needs to grow a bit, that he needs to start doing some stuff for us - to keep things new and revived. I’ve told him very clearly how I feel - that it hurts me that he doesn’t organise anything or come up with ideas. He says he gets it and he will… but nothing changes.

i feel like he’s got a block about it. He’s emotionally intelligent. I just don’t get why he can’t step up a bit

Does your husband work? And is he sole income provider of the household?

I just don’t get why he can’t step up a bit

You answered this yourself

ive probably created the issue now by doing it for so long

Have you discussed this with him? Have you explained what he needs to do?

I know it might seem obvious because you've been doing it but he may not know what you do since he's never done it.

I would have a conversation and explain that I was tired of doing everything and would like him to share the burden. I'd then explain what I'd like him to do.

Some people are better at organising than others but I can imagine how much it grates after all these years, it's hard when it's settled in a pattern, he maybe just presumes you are better at it? Does he have to take responsibility in his job?

Is your DH capable of holding down a job that requires him to be able to organise and plan things?

If so then YANBU, it is most likely something that he see’s as not necessary for him to do, because you will always be there to pick up the slack, whilst he focuses on what he deems to be more important.

Your DH has a problem: he's married to a rescuer who's great at life admin and that enables him to be a victim.
Step back, let him fail at a few life admin tasks, be genuinely happy for him when he starts to get develop skills.

Do you both work full time?

He’s not the sole provider, but he works full time. I work too. This year work has been difficult (I’m a contractor) so he’s had to pay more bills but that isn’t the issue - he’s very generous, money never gets questioned, he says I still make a huge contribution in other ways (and I still earn, just not as much)

He has shown organisation elsewhere.

I have told him how I feel. And explained it - several times.

Its an ongoing thing, years in the making.

Maybe I just have to grieve that part of him but see all his other great qualities.

it just makes me feel like I have to look after all my own needs - which I’ve done from a young age.

So what would happen if you just stopped?

For crying out loud, even of they didn't both work the same hours, 20 years of never organising so much as a day out is pathetic. I work FT and am a single parent. Guess what? Shit gets done. Working full time is not a get out jail free card for ALL other areas of life. Nor is "being the sole financial provider". Even if that were the case, the OP would be providing ££££ worth of childcare and housework every month so would equally be "providing".

OP, how about you start by saying, we're all free on X date. Please can you book some tickets to X and work out where we can eat lunch on the way (or whatever). You absolutely shouldn't have to baby steps this but means to an end. Rather than just a "please organise SOMETHING".

We wouldn’t go anywhere or do anything

I have a friend like this. When she was pregnant and had baby-brain, she didn't have the energy or cognition to organise our weekly days out. Her first-born is now 31, and I have been organising the day out since.
We've spoken about it, we've met with me expecting she's organised something...we've ended up mooching for day! She just doesn't seem able to find and organise stuff to do.
So, yes, I made this bed, I am lying on it. I've accepted this is her; but she's so brilliant in so many other ways, that I am happy to do so

Firstly, I agree with everything you’ve said in the opening para.

secondly, he can book if I ask him. He’s good at implementing instructions (although not as timely).

it’s the total lack of initiative that is galling.

We had a big fight over it a few weeks ago and he booked a nice day for us for our anniversary, as a result. But it’s bittersweet (more bitter) when you have to fight for something small.

He would like a structured approach; I.e he does may, I do June. We each have to organise one thing in those months - etc etc

But the irony is I have to come up with the fucking structure!

Whilst I know he loves me, i guess I’m yearning for someone who has an innate ability to do this, to think of me without me having to arrange the scaffolding

BTW my ex was like this and then accused me of being controlling and babying him when he left for OW. She was even less competent at life stuff and he felt like he was "rescuing her" whereas I could cope on my own. True, but still a twat.

In contrast, my current partner who I don't even live with, will organise holidays, surprise weekends away, order things I have mentioned I need in passing and Amazon turns up with it the next day. He looked months ahead and booked tickets to an event with a varied cast, checking that the right people were appearing on the date he booked. Men are perfectly capable of stuff, they just often don't want to be arsed and they know the woman / mum will do it.

I’ve been married 36 years with now grown children and I can honestly say that DH has never organised a holiday in all of that time.
However he does do more of the housework/ laundry than I do.
To be honest I would rather sit and arrange a holiday than do the washing up or ironing, and I get to visit the places I want to go.
It’s a win as far as I am concerned because it’s one of the nicer household tasks.

I bet if it was stuff for something he really wanted to do ie a hobby he'd mysteriously manage to be self motivated and capable or arranging it. I find it pathetic too OP.

@Plansomethingalready ah right, well ok then. Do that - alternate months. On the calendar. Job done. If that's all it needs to be he's already come up with it. Lots of threads on here about this though - that they'll do anything they are asked to do but can't use initiative which still puts the impetus on the women to remember, see, plan, schedule.

Does he particularly WANT to do the things you are organising? I mean, if you stopped and you didn't go anywhere or do anything would he notice/mind?
As if he doesn't especially want to do these things and wouldn't miss them it's not surprising if he doesn't think or organising them.
Re him wanting a plan, that doesn't seem much of an ask to me.
I mean, if its as simple as you each plan a month then hey- that's going to take approx 60 seconds to schedule and you are done for rhr year.

What kind of things are you talking about organising though?
If its holidays, researching and booking then that's a stressful job and I'd say either split it alternate trips, or split the jobs. So one of you does flights/places to eat and the other does accommodation and days out for example.

If its visiting people then hey'lets have xyz over for dinner seems so low effort I'm not sure id care. But you could make it that he is responsible for keeping in touch with his family and you yours. Him any friends thst are more his and vice versa.

I know you want him to think of all this for himself but I think you are being unreasonable and cutting off your nose to spite your face.
Literally sit down and have coffee together one time and make a list. Job done and hopefully a lot of stress alleviated for the next few months ar least, if you just seethe quietly and refuse to discuss it with him then you are just making yourself miserable.

I'll be honest though, I'm wondering how active your life is thst it takes that much organising, I think I'm more a go nowhere and do nothing kind of person 🤣

And if its special events make it clear-
You want him to organise things for your birthday, alternate anniversaries, valentines or whatever it is you care about. Not organising your own birthday is a fair boundary!
But if you do things as a couple, don't most things require a conversation and mutual effort to make sure you are both available/want to do it? Or do you want (yuck ) suprises?

He's no more like you now than when you fell in love with him.

You wouldn't respect him if he let you change him now.

Be careful you don't make both your lives a misery.

Maybe your DH isn't that bothered about going away. Maybe he sees it as a hassle to organise everything and OK he might enjoy it when it's all planned, but he isn't that fussed either way.

We had a big fight over it a few weeks ago and he booked a nice day for us for our anniversary, as a result. But it’s bittersweet (more bitter) when you have to fight for something small.

madness is doing the same thing time and time after time, and expecting a different result. He has never been one to organise anything so why keep expecting it to be different. Acceptance is probably a more healthy option.

its like people who wish their DH would buy them a lovely Christmas present, beautifully wrapped and lovingly presented when their DH can't stand Christmas doesn't see the point and can't wait for Jan 2nd. No amount of mithering and moaning about it will ever change that fact. In fact continuing to go on about Christmas, organising events, whatever, when the person just can't see the point, becomes quite burdensome and a bone of contention. You do you and let your DH do the things he's good at.

I've been married to a man like this for 38 years and it never changes. Years ago I was like you and tried the discussing, cajoling, nagging, getting annoyed approach and he'd briefly make a lame effort ("let's go out for a meal" Usually the same pub, no imagination). His usual retort was "But I don't know what you want to do", I got sick of saying "just make a suggestion!"

Anyway, no amount of discussion has ever changed anything for more than a brief period so I don't even think about it now. I see stuff I want to do and either mention it to him that I'm going and does he want to come, or I go with friends. Often if I go with friends he'll say "I would have liked that" WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU SUGGEST IT THEN!?

Yesterday I spent the evening booking tickets for a Christmas eve event, a boxing day event and a twixmas break (including adult DC and DGC) and basically told him this is what we're doing. He was delighted.

He does really love holidays and will suggest and organise the big ones, but I think otherwise he just can't be arsed as it's an effort.

Sorry, not much. Help, but at least you know you're not alone.

Op i get you. We are at 20 years and i'm the practical, organiser, diy-doer and i've suddenly started to resent it massively, being jealous of women with practical husbands / swooning at tv farmers!
He does all the cooking (3dc) and is a really hands-on dad, pickups dropoffs etc. His light-heartedness / funniness was one of the major attractions as i am very stiff upper lip and serious but now it gives me the ick, feeling like the only adult in the family.
Basically he does no chore that he's not interested in / doesn't enjoy, i.e. everything except shopping and cooking.
I'm majorly peri, on masses of HRT so hoping i will get over it in time. I feel very petty! I've changed - he hasn't

Sounds like you love and respect him, OP.

Is it really worth getting so het up over? Can't you be the one who's good at organising trips, and let him be the one who's good at XYZ? (Unless there is no XYZ).

My DH is the best person I know, yet he can't do DIY if a million quid depended on it.

When we were both younger, it really used to irrationally annoy me 🙈

Yet now we just get a person in.

If he's a good man and you feel supported in other ways, maybe you just accept the trade off - no one is perfect.

I know this is a generality and I'm likely to get shot down in flames, but most men are like this! Admin and organisation aren't one of their strong points. I agree with daisychain - don't make this an issue because you won't win. Dh doesn't see the point, doesn't see it as important, so he's never going to step up to the mark on this one and you're going to store up grief for yourself if you carry on like this.

You say your husband is a really good man and dad. Loyal, upright, kind, supportive and really genuinely funny and emotionally intelligent.

But his inability/reluctance to arrange anything is causing you resentment now.

Nobody is perfect.