AiBU to feel resentful?

[Plansomethingalready]

Married nearly 20 years, have DC. Husband is a really good man and dad. Loyal, upright, kind, supportive and really, genuinely funny.

But he can’t organise a fucking thing for us. I do all the planning and sorting - our life admin, our holidays, our social life. All of it.

ive probably created the issue now by doing it for so long but over the past few months, the resentment has started to build. I feel like our relationship needs to grow a bit, that he needs to start doing some stuff for us - to keep things new and revived. I’ve told him very clearly how I feel - that it hurts me that he doesn’t organise anything or come up with ideas. He says he gets it and he will… but nothing changes.

i feel like he’s got a block about it. He’s emotionally intelligent. I just don’t get why he can’t step up a bit

I've always organized most of our holidays and days out but occasionally my DH will make a suggestion unprompted. Im happy to do this most of the time because I love it! Ultimately I get to pick where we go which is a bonus.
I'd say if your DH has always been like this and it's never been a problem before dont expect him to change much. You can't change people 🤷‍♀️

Thank you all. There’s a lot of sense here.

To clarify - he’s totally up for almost everything I plan. He is very social! He doesn’t have to be dragged anywhere. And people - friends - love his company because he’s fucking funny.

I think I have to expect more but not so much that it alienates him - and also be clear about the expectation so he can handle it. I.e book something for us for next Friday

It Is a turn off, if I’m honest, but I am also aware that if I die on this hill and left, the grass would not be greener

If I were you, I would just organise the structure.
Including a clause/plan for him to review the structure in six months time and implement any changes that he feels are needed.

Be thankful for all the other qualities your DH brings.

You seem like a hard person to please so maybe your husband has subconsiously accepted that you are much better at organising things to meet your high espectations.
Rejoice in your own skills.

@user1492757084 she's a hard person to please because she'd like one thing organised in 20 years? Ok.

I would down tools and see how long it takes him before he gets it.

Such a passive aggressive post. Why is she hard work? I think she's been extremely respectful of her husband. She's entitled to want to be shown he's thinking of her - a handful of times in 20 years.

I never understand these threads. Where’s the harm in working to your strengths within a marriage

and also be clear about the expectation so he can handle it. I.e book something for us for next Friday

Do you really want the hassle of giving people orders? Why don't you divide chores out or take it in turns?

I do really appreciate we all have different strengths. But sometimes we have to get outside our comfort zone. It’s how we grow.

We have fallen into our roles naturally. DH is the date rememberer,(not really a word, I know), while I am the pick up gift person. He remembers appointments and reminds me what needs to be done, or where I need to be. He's always been brilliant at that, and I love to see him sit down with a new calendar and mark in everyone's birthdays, etc.

If we have a dinner party planned, he'll clean like mad while I shop and prep. He's the bartender, I'm the gravy-maker. He sends me to bed to do clean up.

I do almost all the admin, but he trusts me to do it, and I can find a receipt from three years ago if something quits before it's warrantee date. He does all the lawn/window/house maintenance, but can't keep bathroom faucets shiny.

I guess the thing I'm saying is that we have worked out equal if different roles, and I wouldn't be upset if he never planned a vacation. That is one of my strengths. I think you need to work out if one person is doing more than the other, maybe one or two jobs can switch.

Can you offload some of your roles to him, freeing up time to organize admin?

Hallelujah to this

Are you me? This is pretty much my life too and I was going to respond in a similar fashion!

I see this as a real ‘glass half empty’ mindset.
You have described an amazingly supportive and fun DH, yet are focused on one aspect of his character that irks you.

What would he say about you? Are you perfect?

Mine is like this too op. It used to really upset me that he didn't make the effort but I've come to realise that's just how he is and the options are leave or suck it up. Like you I know the grass wouldn't be greener. My love language is very much doing things for people/people doing things for me, whereas his is more physical affection so I suspect that's why he doesn't understand why planning a day/evening out is so important to me. Equally I'm not a very affectionate/physically demonstrative person so he possibly feels the same way I do about that.