Is his wife using him?

[rainingitspouring2]

My DB (Brother) is married and has 2 young children. His wife is from another country in Europe and she has recently returned home while my brother stays here and continues to work.
They are building a house in said country. He works all hours under the sun and sends every penny he makes to her.
Recently we found out the house he is building is under her name and not his and she also got annoyed with him because he booked to go over at Xmas to see her and the children but she said he could make double money over Xmas and it was a wasted opportunity.
We found out he also has credit cards we told him he doesn't need them as he is a high earner but she was not happy that we encouraged him to pay them off and cut them up.
I don't want to get involved and intrude on their relationship and appreciate she wants the house built asap. The plan is for him then to move over himself one day but he doesn't speak the language and doesn't have many transferable skills in the town they are building in.
AIBU to think some of this is ringing alarm bells?
I fear once the house is finished she will want a divorce? Should I say something as he is my brother and I want to look out for him. Or is this quite a common set up in this kind of long distance scenario and I should mind my business?

Typically these kinds of set-ups are transactional. He gets a significantly better looking/more agreeable partner, she gets money. He may be happy with that trade, many men are. Until it goes wrong.

Since he's a grown adult, all you can do is be there, be 'curious' a lot, rather than saying you don't like it, and hope it works out.

Gosh I’m really close to my brothers but could never imagine telling them what they should do financially and saying they should cut up credit cards! It sounds all very overprotective and overfamiliar.

Just because he is well off doesn 't mean he can or should exist without cc. Buying and paying off the balance each month can help cashflow and credit rating. There may be an advantage to the property being in his dw name, some areas you can only buy with a local connection or permanent residency.

It would be ringing alarm bells for me, too. Be supportive but curious! See what you can find out about property and divorce law in the country in question.

This is good to know I actually didn't think of that and you're right perhaps there are benefits to it not being in his name. I just worried when he told me that if something goes wrong he will be left without much..

It sounds well dodgy, but he is a grown man and needs to deal with his own life.

I think this may be the case but obviously can't be sure. She couldn't do enough for him at first but that has all seemed to stop now. Lots of moaning and not a great deal of communication other than talk of budgeting etc. I don't want to be cynical but I also want to look out for him too. Not sure what to do..

People should think very carefully about these two-country arrangements. I know of a couple who got together in the UK, married, and had one child here, and now another one.They returned to her home country (Poland) and started to build a life there. She's near her family and she's happy. He, on the other hand, isn't: he doesn't speak Polish, and isn't particularly good at languages, bar a little school French - so he can't find work. They need him to work, with a wife and two children to support. It's tricky.

Interestingly Poland is the country in question here. It is quite remote and I worry too that hardly anyone speaks English and he will struggle. How are they getting on now? Do they plan to stay or move back?

I would feel really concerned about this OP. I'm not sure what you can do about it though, other than mentioning your worries to him every now and then.

I'm Polish tell him to protect himself if something goes wrong he will trapped also Polish families are very strong, they will support her all the way. He needs to start learning Polish ASAP. You can build amazing house in Poland for 100.000 K in some areas.

I'm better looking younger Polish with abusive English husband don't be so predictable.... I will also go out with 50 k after divorce and nowhere to go.

Thank you for your reply, do you mean goes wrong as in she leaves him or wants to divorce him? They weren't married in Poland I'm not sure if this has any bearing on anything
The house that is being built is very expansive

I'm living 20 years in UK so not the best about advice will be good to speak to solicitor Polish one. Also what I can see the law in Poland is more on women side also family help etc. if the house is 200.000 k will be a mansion.

I moved with my husband to a rural part of his country of origin when I didn't speak the language (EU pre Brexit so not especially high risk). I'm generally rubbish at languages too but despite being heavily pregnant when we moved I knew had to learn the language, so I did. Not perfectly and almost 20 years later I still have a strong foreign accent and make some grammatical errors, but well enough to have done another degree here in the local language in order to retrain in an in demand profession and work full time in the local language.

It's a huge emotional rollercoaster for the first five to eight years and you have to be determined/ big headed/ stubborn 😜 but it is most certainly possible to learn a language as an adult despite being "bad at languages" when you haven't absolutely had to learn them and haven't been fully immersed.

Not saying that the scenario described is perfect but we cannot tell our capable adult siblings how to live their lives, and it's surely better he moves over and gives it his all than lose his children.

I don't know, to be honest! He might get an online job in English, or (as his family think) come home, find work with WFH built in, and commute. He really isn't making progress with Polish. It can work, though: my brother married a Spanish woman, and moved to her home city, and has learnt Spanish fairly easily (but not Catalan!). However, he's an English teacher, and has been able to work throughout. His daughters are (of course!!) trilingual in English, Spanish, and Catalan. And Spanish is relatively easy.

Imagine the outrage if the genders were swapped

We found out he also has credit cards we told him he doesn't need them as he is a high earner but she was not happy that we encouraged him to pay them off and cut them up.

That was not your business to do. Using credit responsibly is actually good for your credit rating.

You seem very involved in your brothers life and finance's. Do you not trust him to make his own decisions?

You can't swap genders sexes. The world is different for men and women.

It was my mum who did this, not me. I agree he can do as he pleases and maybe the family should of said nothing but I think she was trying to advise him not to live beyond his means if he doesn't have to..

I remember when I started being with my English husband 16 years ago and how much his mother and sister called me 'gold digger' and now I'm in deep dark hole with this man. Working my socks off everyday and him living like man of leisure.

But, what is the plan?
Surely if they had decided to move the children over there and he will move later on, then they have a plan as how to support themselves financially.
Like, will she work? Is it a touristic area where he can earn working in English speaking jobs? Is the house a source of income, like a chateau to be rented?
I would hate to leave my DH behind and take the kids. They will miss so much on bonding time with him. I would be in a hurry to finish it too, but I do not imagine I would get angry about him taking a break for Christmas.

I think the fact she unhappy he's booked to go and visit her and his children is not a good sign.

A mother in law who unilaterally decides that a high earner doesn't need credit cards doesn't sound great IMO. How does he pay to refuel his car or for holiday flights? Both much better on a credit card paid off in full each month.

In that scenario, I can see the attraction of settling in a different country.