To not gift DP's family gifts for Xmas

[anonymoussse]

My DP and I have been together for five years. We alternate Christmases between my parents and his. This year, it’s his parents’ turn. On the years we don’t spend Christmas Day with one set of parents, we visit them beforehand—around the 20th, for example—and still do a “Christmas morning” with presents.

My side of the family is much smaller than his, but they tend to give more expensive. I also know exactly what my parents want, while he knows what his parents want. To make things easier, I suggested a system where I handle all the presents for my parents (from me and him), and he handles all the presents for his parents. The problem is that when we do this, he doesn’t buy any gifts from me to his parents—so I’m left sitting there awkwardly, receiving presents from his family but looking like I haven’t contributed anything in return.

We’ve also tried another approach where each of us buys gifts for both sets of parents from ourselves—for example, I’d get gifts for my parents and his “from me,” and he’d do the same “from him.” But for me this results in a situation that’s even worse. Either he doesn’t get my parents anything, or he chooses something unnecessary or thoughtless—he got my mum a frying pan one year and nothing another. That leaves me feeling awkward while he’s opening a thoughtful, relatively expensive gift (like a designer scarf he said he wanted), and my parents are left with nothing from him. This isn’t because money is an issue for him—he earns very, very well. If I suggest exactly what to buy he doesn’t like it because I’m essentially telling him what to spend his money on, which made me think the previous suggestion of buying gifts for our own parents from both is better.

I’d love for us to do joint gifts as a couple—something like “from Ben and Jane.” He could buy the joint gift for his parents, and I could do the same for mine. But when it comes to his parents, he just writes “from Ben” or doesn’t make it appear like it’s from both.

For context, our finances are separate. That’s a long story, and while it’s relevant here that this is the case, it’s irrelevant why so I’d prefer not to go into a discussion about it to not divert from the main point.

The easiest way to solve this is to explain the issue to him and ask him to make sure he puts your names on the gifts he's bought. You can check he's done it before they are given over.

In that scenario I'd make sure you actually say something to his parents - in front of him.

Is he always a selfish prick or is it just with presents?

You prepare the card that goes with the gift, sign your name and tell him to sign his and attach it to gift. Job done.

First poster nails it.

if your DP refuses, I think your relationship has bigger issues.

This is just such a none issue. Surely couples buy and gift presents as a couple? Can you not ask him to write your name on the gifts? Job done!

He's doing this deliberately so there is actually nothing you can do to change this situation.

Is he like this in other areas of your life?

Another one. I forgot the depressing useless partner threads.

OP - he just doesn’t care. He’s tight. A frying pan? I literally don’t understand how you’re still together.

Tell him he's being a dick and making you look bad.

Suggest you wrap gifts together and both write your names on things.

Dear God you've wasted 5 years on this idiot.
You said he earns very, very well. He's happy to accept the thoughtful and expensive gifts from your parents but gives them bugger all or a frying pan!

I'm honeatly not a materialistic person but this guy shows who he is by that alone.
Why on earth would you want to stay with him???? I cannot see the attraction.

This is ludicrous, he doesn't buy presents for his parents from you or buys presents for your parents, that's horrible, he clearly doesn't care, that's just awful..
And yes, definitely something more going on

What the first poster said. And tell him that if, somehow, that doesn't happen this year, you'll be bringing it up in front of his parents and explaining how crappy he's been about this all along.

Your partner is a selfish prick. I don’t feel I can’t give you any advice, because I don’t believe someone so thoughtless is capable of change. So I guess you need to decide whether to dump his arse or live with it.

Also, how do you get to that situation where it's happening in front of you? Surely before the exchange you've spoken and know what presents you've bought, I can't understand how you would only realise at the actual exchange, even getting into the car I'd be checking with my husband we had presents for everybody etc..

Is he deliberately spiteful, or just thick as shite? Those are the only possibilities for him leaving you off the tag, and 'gifting' a frying pan, and neither are attractive.
Is he really a darling and a true partner every other day of the year?

Just add your name to the tag, thats what i'd do! Or jokingly say on the say, "did you forget to put my name down again"

I guess because a few weeks out we'll discuss who got which gifts, no gifts for my parents from him. Then in a few days if it comes up again, still no gifts but he's got all the gifts for his side. Then if I say he needs to get something for my side it's either "oh yeah, let me think about it" or the frying pan.

That leaves me feeling awkward while he’s opening a thoughtful, relatively expensive gift (like a designer scarf he said he wanted), and my parents are left with nothing from him. This isn’t because money is an issue for him No. It’s because he’s a bit of cunt.

I think you need to either gift stuff as a couple (this is probably the smoothest way to do things, but doesn’t necessarily fit in with family norms), or let him take the consequences of his actions. I.e. if you want your in laws to think well of you, you give them nice presents they’ll like in keeping with their traditions from you. With your parents, you buy them stuff you think they’ll like from you and let him take the consequences of being a selfish prick. Don’t pass on suggestions for a designer scarf to them, say something like “He doesn’t seem bothered about gifts between extended family, mum/dad, so just get him some cheap chocs or something if you feel you have to get him anything.”

Both your names should be on all tags. Married couples give gifts together. That is the norm. Point that out clearly well ahead of next Christmas and if he refuses then you can properly explore what he thinks he’s doing here. This sounds almost too weird to be deliberate.

And how did you not say ‘why the hell did you get my mother a frying pan?’

What kind of thing does he get you?

They're not married and don't share finances.

But when it comes to his parents, he just writes “from Ben” or doesn’t make it appear like it’s from both.

Tell him to add your name. Stand over him while he does it if necessary. End.

If this is his shitty attitude hiw can you want to be with him.
I'd be mortified in front of my family with such a greedy and thoughtless man.
Please raise your bar.

He sounds like a thoughtless prick tbh. It would seem after 5 years that it's a case of put up with it (daft option) or dump his selfish arse (better option). Do you seriously see yourself doing this year after year? What about if you have kids? It won't get better...

Joint presents are the most sensible approach, and you need to tell him to sign the tag from both of you.

I agree with previous posters. You buy the joint present for your parents and he buys the joint present for his parents. You insist that he writes "from Ben and Jane" on the tag and make sure you see it beforehand.