To not gift DP's family gifts for Xmas

[anonymoussse]

My DP and I have been together for five years. We alternate Christmases between my parents and his. This year, it’s his parents’ turn. On the years we don’t spend Christmas Day with one set of parents, we visit them beforehand—around the 20th, for example—and still do a “Christmas morning” with presents.

My side of the family is much smaller than his, but they tend to give more expensive. I also know exactly what my parents want, while he knows what his parents want. To make things easier, I suggested a system where I handle all the presents for my parents (from me and him), and he handles all the presents for his parents. The problem is that when we do this, he doesn’t buy any gifts from me to his parents—so I’m left sitting there awkwardly, receiving presents from his family but looking like I haven’t contributed anything in return.

We’ve also tried another approach where each of us buys gifts for both sets of parents from ourselves—for example, I’d get gifts for my parents and his “from me,” and he’d do the same “from him.” But for me this results in a situation that’s even worse. Either he doesn’t get my parents anything, or he chooses something unnecessary or thoughtless—he got my mum a frying pan one year and nothing another. That leaves me feeling awkward while he’s opening a thoughtful, relatively expensive gift (like a designer scarf he said he wanted), and my parents are left with nothing from him. This isn’t because money is an issue for him—he earns very, very well. If I suggest exactly what to buy he doesn’t like it because I’m essentially telling him what to spend his money on, which made me think the previous suggestion of buying gifts for our own parents from both is better.

I’d love for us to do joint gifts as a couple—something like “from Ben and Jane.” He could buy the joint gift for his parents, and I could do the same for mine. But when it comes to his parents, he just writes “from Ben” or doesn’t make it appear like it’s from both.

For context, our finances are separate. That’s a long story, and while it’s relevant here that this is the case, it’s irrelevant why so I’d prefer not to go into a discussion about it to not divert from the main point.

Weirdly he's otherwise thoughtful but a bit of a procrastinator and lazy.
For example, the gift to me at Xmas will be thoughtful and unlikely to be cheap, he will make sure I come home to a warm cup of tea freshly brewed if I've been out in the cold, if I'm about to go out for a busy day there will be a cute note "good luck today, you'll smash it" and if he passes my favourite chocolate shop he'll grab a chocolate for me. He's not tight with money - he will treat me to a fancy meal out on occasion.
But there is a lot of "not yet, I will do though" if I ask him to fix something in the house and he procrastinates in his personal life A LOT (not at work though)

He’s not forgetting gifts for your family or to buy gifts from you to his parents. He’s choosing not to.

I’d try to find out why.

In terms of the end result. If you are giving separate presents, buy something from him to your parents and tell him how much he owes you.

The for his parents, either badger him to get the present from you, find out what they want and buy it yourself or just put your name on his gift tag.

You’re right. But it’s irrelevant. If they’re established enough as a couple that they spend Christmas together then gifts to each family should come from both of them. Anything else is impractical.

Totally makes sense that you have more idea what your parents would like and he has more idea what his would like.

… but everything is from ‘Homer and Marge’ as a couple and to both of them surely???

anything else is just strange when you are an established couple. ?????

The normal thing to do is all couples have a joint gift they give (and that’s sorted by whoever is closest to them). Very odd that there is the expectation that you buy separate gifts, like you don’t know each other and haven’t come together! I’ve been with Dh 16 years and have never purchased anyone in his family a Christmas or birthday gift. Maybe when we were first dating I might have sourced something from my home country (I’m not British), but that’s it. Dh buys the gifts and they are from both of us.

Surely, his family must just assume that because you only come with one gift? Do his mum and dad give you individual gifts from each of them? He’s being an idiot if he’s making this so difficult. I’d personally just refuse to go if he’s going to act so ridiculous.

Just get your name on the tag. I've never bought anything for DH's family nor he for mine. I'd find that weird. No idea how many years in we were before it was assumed everything from him was from both of us and vice versa but probably only the second Christmas we were together. I've never given it any thought.

I would not stay with a "D"H who insists on separate finances, for me that's the biggest issue here.

@anonymoussse

I may be repeating others, but why doesn't he put your name on his parent's gift(s)? Is it that he buys them out of 'his' money? In that case would it work to do "I shop, we buy" where each of you shops for your own parents but you split the cost of the now joint gifts?

If that won't work, the first time I asked if he'd bought my parents gifts 'from him' yet and he said he hadn't, I'd be telling him that 1-It's 'no worries' and I'll tell my parents not to bother buying for him so he doesn't feel embarrassed when he turns up empty handed and 2- I'd be returning anything I bought for his parents because 'fair is fair'. If he can't be arsed, why should you be? I realize that's a bit 'tit for tat', but in this case it's justified.

You’re making this far harder than it needs to be. The day before exchanging gifts you make sure the tag says from both of you, simple. Or as you hand over gifts you say this is from both of us and point out he’s forgotten your name again, put him on the spot in front of his parents. Your parents are fine because you would have written from the both of you.

or if you can’t do that you buy presents from you and him to your parents and get him to transfer the money and you make sure you always have something for his parents,

Echo what others say just do joint presents. It doesn't matter that your finances aren't joint.

People are weird about Christmas presents as different families have different systems and they can be quite ingrained. As a couple though you can set your own rules and it sounds like it's not working with separate presents atm.

You could just get the presents out before you visit, and make sure both your names are written on the tags. It doesn't need to a big drama

I thought people usually gave gifts as a couple to parents?

Why don't ye just do presents for your own parents and leave it at that? Tell your parents to stop getting him things and his parents not to get you anything. Seems a lot less stressful cos he's not going to change if he keeps messing up whatever way you've tried to do it so far..

This. He’s deliberately doing it.

Surely the normal model is that you buy for your family and say they're from both of you, and does that for his family. My family is much bigger than DH's but we've always done it like this. It means I spend more but that's how it is.

Oh lord, do not have kids with this man. It won't get any better.

Have you never asked him why he's not putting your name on, or saying oh actually they're from both of us, when his family open their presents? Seems very weird that you've just been silent on the subject.

Sometimes I think you just have to own certain jobs. The energy and stress spent on trying to change things is just not worth it. Especially if he is good in other ways. For me it is the laundry. I gave up trying to persuade my husband to put his freshly laundered clothes away or expect him to thing about putting stuff in the laundry. I just do it and have accepted that if it is to be done to my standards then I just have to get on with it. It is a relief not to keep nagging. And he is great in other ways. Your husband sounds very thoughtful in other ways so I would just accept this is an area where he will not change and just get on with buying his family presents from you.