How to stop caring so much about what other people think of me

[Woopdoggysycamosiy]

I've heard lots of people on here rave about being older and now not caring so much about other people's view of them. I'm still waiting for this to happen! I understand the theory of it and wholeheartedly agree with the truism that Peter people definitely do not think about you as much as you imagine. However, I'm embarrassed to admit I still want everyone to like me and I'm not sure how to shrug that off. Looking for replies from older ladies who used to feel this way and now don't - what happened? Or did you do something to help yourself.

Ignore the Peter😄

Honestly losing oestrogen has made me care so much less about lots of things including what people think of me. Interestingly I’m on a full range of HRT and it hasn’t affected this aspect of the menopause.

I used to be a terrible people pleaser.
I was desperate for people to like me and was a complete doormat.

What helped me was thinking things through and telling myself that I am as important as anyone else and I don't have to put my needs to one side at al times. It's OK to put myself first sometimes.

Prepare yourself. So when someone asks you to do something, your instinct is to blurt out yes.

Instead, train yourself to say I'm not sure if im going to be able to do that, I'll get back to you.

Give yourself some time to think.

Ask yourself "and then what happens"

So and so will be mad at me

Ok. And then what happens?

They'll not talk to me / shout at me / put a passive aggressive post on FB.

Ok. And then what happens?

Unless you're dealing with people that will cave your head in if you don't do what they want then what is actually going to happen if you don't prioritise them? And why can't you deal with that? These are things you need to ask yourself.

Also, people pleasers often have people in their lives that they'll happily chuck under a bus in order to please unreasonable people.

It's normally their partner or their children.

Which leads me to the next question. If someone can pick and choose who to please and who to upset then they are a selective people pleaser and absolutely can deal with conflict because they deal with it every time they let their partner down or every time they don't stand up for their kids.

Think about what it is you're afraid of any why you're afraid of it. What it is you think is going to be done to you and why that is something you believe you can't deal with.

No idea how or why, but over the last few years I care so much less about stuff I can't control.

I am early 60s and I know I maybe have 20 more Christmas days, or birthdays ahead of me. It's not many more against the 60+ I have already had.

Not wanting to be a doom-monger, but suddenly having a sense of your own mortality does bring things into focus and suddenly things that seemed important are definitely not.

Take time to think about what you think of other people. Once you’ve realised you don’t approve of several of Penelope’s behaviours, what she thinks of you becomes less important.

And time taken evaluating someone else can’t be used worrying about what they think of you.

There are people who will really dislike you if they see you being inauthentic and people pleasing.

don’t spread yourself too thin.

I’m 38 and in the past two years I’ve started to care a lot less what people think of me. I did therapy and worked on my self esteem, lost weight and got healthy so I can see my DC grow up. Losing weight caused some jealousy from some friends which was a lightbulb moment- I was investing my effort into people who did not want the best for me in life.

I took a long hard look at some friends’ behaviour and knew it wasn’t the same values I held- I think it was a catty comment about another school mum not being her type of person because she drives an old dirty car. Again lightbulb moment that I don’t want to be friends with people who have that attitude.

I practice saying no or that doesn’t work for me, and if I offer a favour I do it willingly with no expectation of being repaid. I also remind myself it’s not my responsibility to get someone else’s kid to a party/drive 30 mins out if my way to pick up an acquaintance/organise DH’s entire family get togethers. I’m responsible for myself and my DC- and if I have capacity and want to give Jane and Peter a lift to the soft play party I do it on my terms and don’t seethe silently if an offer is not reciprocated. In short, I have boundaries and have learnt to stop speaking or not respond immediately.

If you think people only like you due to you being a people pleaser towards them and then take umpage when you stop doing so they never really thought that much of you to start with.

Life's so much better when you leave those type behind.

In time it'll come to you that you give no shits.

I had a few people take advantage of me and / or get funny when I didn't do as they wanted, so over time I became more concerned about the intentions of people rather than what they thought of me. I took more care in letting people get near that could be hurtful.

Then menopause came along and that gave a new phase of less caring about what people thought as well. Around this time I let go of keeping some family members happy at my own expense as well.

My circle has got smaller, mainly my own close family (DH and DCs) and a couple of close friends, but things are much better, and simpler!

Perhaps I am lucky in a sense, in no way minimising your feelings. Other than family opinions I never cared what other people thought of me.

Sorry therefore I cannot offer any useful advice to you.

In my teens and 20s I cared a lot about what other people thought about me and how I came across. As a result my self-esteem was actually rock bottom. Things started to change in my 30s and now I'm 44 I am a very different person.

I wish I could give you advice about how to get to there but it honestly just happened to me a few years ago. I think I'm just too tired to care anymore to be very honest. I iust be myself and I try to be a kind person and I think that's all you can do. If someone doesn't like me and I've not given them a reason not to, I just shrug it off these days. You'll always click with some people and not with others, that's just life and that's okay. I also tell myself I look fabulous at all times, even when I probably don't...I live in jeans and rarely wear make-up. But walking around telling yourself that you look great is very liberating.

I do think there's something about getting older where you just accept you are who are you as well and stop trying to be something different. That helps. But being too tired to care is definitely part of it ha

I know it seems insane but I also think there was a shift in my hormones or something and one day I simply realised I could not give a damn anymore!

Thanks to all of the above! Would love to fast forward to that hormone moment and for it to just happen. I think a lot of it stems from the fact that my sister has completely rejected a close relationship with me. From her side everything is great but she doesn't actually ever contact me or return my calls or texts (maybe one in every 5). For context I contact her about once a month. We live in different countries so if she's not willing to make any effort then there's not a great deal that can be done. I think I'm a bit sensitive to perceived rejection because of this and will completely overreact in my head if I feel like someone doesn't like me.

It’s a really interesting question @Woopdoggysycamosiy . I think for me ( early 60s) it was a very gradual process of getting more confident in my own judgement about things. If I was sure I’d had good reasons for acting as I had, I learnt to feel less undermined by others’ reactions. I also gradually saw that you really can’t please everyone, all the time.

My family had a very painful rift which went on for many years. My sibling became very distant and often blanked me. We’d previously been close. Their behaviour was very rejecting and sapped my confidence over many years but very gradually I saw that someone who could behave like that, made very different choices and judgements to me, and was not the sort of person I aspire to be. So why was I giving their judgement of me so much room?

Once their opinions started mattering less, I became less bothered about desperately trying to re- capture the relationship that we’d had, treated them a bit more offhand, didn’t chase them so much and interestingly, our relationship got better around that time. Of course things may have changed for them as well, but I’m sure that changing my behaviour played a part. This all fed into my confidence and not caring as much what others think of me.

You could wait for that hormone moment but you could experiment with reaching out to your sister less often and see what happens. It might be interesting!

I think the no longer caring now I'm older, is only part two of the story. Part one is liking who you are yourself. Being at peace with yourself, your choices, behaviour and opinions. Accepting you have flaws and limitations, but that these are balanced by qualities and strengths, and overall, the complete person is someone you're happy to be. Part two flows naturally from that, because if people think negatively about you, you don't care, because they're not the sort of like minded person you'd want in your life anyway.

I was lucky enough to have an epiphany in my late 20s - I got really upset following an altercation with a fellow student I didn't like very much and my friends on the course dropped everything to take me to the student bar for coffee and fags. We were having such a lovely time chatting about this and that when it suddenly struck me. I've got such lovely friends, so what the hell does it matter if I've incurred the disapprobation of someone I dislike? I don't like everyone in the world, so why should I expect everyone to like me?

You're specifically talking about your sister though, so that's a bit different, as it's hardly unreasonable to wish for a close relationship with her. Were you closer growing up? Does she perhaps think 'My DSis and I have the best relationship, we can go months without contact but whenever we see each other it's as if we'd never been apart'? Or is she just happy with a less intense relationship? Why is it you assume dislike on her side, simply because you would like more frequent contact than she seems to?

My sister's gone NC with me. No idea why, she's given different 'reasons' to each family member that asked. We were close. Anyway, here's the point: I expect she wanted me to be all distressed and grovel to have her back in my life, so she could give me a thorough evaluation of everything that's wrong with me and how saintly she's been to put up with me all her life.

What did happen: I asked once, have I done something? Can I put it right? Didn't get an answer. I didn't pursue it. I felt hurt ... and I also felt that, as an adult, I must respect her adult choices on the company she keeps. So that's that; I have one sister less and I accept it.

An interesting thing happens when you start seeing other people as absolutely separate individuals. It so happens that I find people endlessly fascinating, but it's the same if you don't give a toss about them. Each of the eight billion humans on this planet lives in their own personal world, unique to them alone. I'll try and explain ...

If you and I were standing next to each other in the market square this chilly afternoon and something happened - I dunno, a giraffe galloped up one of the paths, knocked over the tables outside the café and hoofed it out into the high street - we'd experience it differently. We'd agree on the giraffe event (though some wouldn't!) One of us might've been more shocked, more scared or more amused by the whole thing. You might be worried for the animal's wellbeing, I might be concerned in case it caused a traffic accident. We would each remember completely different things about what else happened in the square at that moment and how other people reacted.

So, if you feel like you know what other people are thinking about you, you're wrong. Weirdly, most of them aren't thinking about you at all 😄 A more interesting question (to me, ymmv) is what are they thinking about? What's it like inside their personal world? I can spend hours people-watching. An equally valid point of view is that everybody else's personal world is their business, so who cares?

With regards to ageing: it happened to me very fast. Years of living 'intensively' caught up with me all at once; I went from conventionally attractive to raddled within a year or so. There was an extended double-take moment while I got my head around the fact that people's responses to my appearance would change. When it comes down to it, though, there isn't much difference. Everyone's still going about their own lives and I go about mine. The fact that nobody's labelling me "pretty" these days has zero effect on my day to day.

I honestly hadn't realised this was going to be such a ramble! Sorry. It really does come down to respecting everyone's right to do their own life their way and your right to do yours. Acceptance 😎 ... and watch out for giraffes!

I think it's partly getting older/loss of estrogen, and partly just accepting and appreciating that I'm generally doing my best, and if people don't like that or don't like me that's entirely their problem. I know I'm a decent person most of the time. There are lots of people I don't think are decent... I don't care what they think at all.

To be fair I haven't been hugely bothered about what other people think of me since I was a teenager, but it's definitely ramped up a gear in my 40s.

I have never cared and I will admit because of that I have been told on more than one occasion I’m a bit like a man which sort of feels like a complimentary insult.

I don't actually like people pleasers.
They are insincere and I much prefer someone who tells me what they think, if I have asked.

I imagine a lot of people really prefer genuine responses, so that might help you a little.

Read this OP https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/aug/24/oliver-burkeman-book-extract-meditations-for-mortals-people-pleasing

Im pretty social and get along with most people aside from OTT people pleasers! It's a sad irony that working hard to make people like you is actually super off putting.. Hope this perspective helps!

My mantra in generally I can't possibly like everyone I meet so I can't expect everyone to like me.

Have you heard of the 1967 book I'm OK, You're OK? Despite its weaknesses, the premise is strong:-

The phrase I'm OK, You're OK is one of four "life positions" that each of us may take. The four positions are:

1. I'm Not OK, You're OK
2. I'm Not OK, You're Not OK
3. I'm OK, You're Not OK
4. I'm OK, You're OK

The most common position is I'm Not OK, You're OK.

This naturally leads to a fair amount of sadness - we apply harsh judgements to ourselves while judging other people as far more OK than we are. The crazy thing is that the other people are mostly doing the same in reverse! We can't all be right about that, eh, it wouldn't make sense? So maybe the truth is that we're all OK in our own ways.

There are a few individuals who really are Not OK for various reasons - but, unless you're their doctor or lawyer, the details needn't bother us. We can just carry on being OK in our own ways, letting everyone else be their version of OK too.

Ask yourself this: would I like myself more if I cared less about what others think of me?

Gotta like yourself first, because without that none of the rest matters.

How old are you, @Woopdoggysycamosiy ? I’m mid 40s and would say the fucks I give started to decrease dramatically from mid 30s onwards.

Am still not really experiencing peri-menopausal symptoms so can’t really blame it on that.

I’m 52 and certainly haven’t noticed any changes in my psyche I could ascribe to menopause. I think you need to look at yourself. Ok, you think you’re obsessed with people liking you because you experience your sister as rejecting, but how does that actually affect your behaviour? Would you behave differently if you felt everyone liked you? How exactly would you behave differently?