My partners separate life

[Whatwouldyoudodo]

Together 20 years. 4 kids.

My partner tells me he's going to his friends baby shower. He hasn't invited me. In fact, he has never invited me to any events with his friends.

I used to just get on with it, now after 20 years I'm feeling angry.

I felt like I wasn't convenient as we had babies young, it suited my partner to have a woman at home and he would go about his social life without me. My social life dwindled (4 kids does that!) his social life stayed the same.

I have started to rebuild a bit of a life for myself and I'm happy. But this pisses me off. It constantly picks at the I'm not good enough/ not wanted wound.

AIBU

No you are absolutely not unreasonable. It's a good first step to start to build your own life. Do you communicate with him about feelings and emotions?

Start building a life and decide if he fits in it later.

Probably not as well as I could but I think I've been frozen out for years. I felt bad for trapping him with our baby so he basically got to go and have fun and I would let him. He has matured a little bit the fall out is I am not integrated in any of his friendship groups. So when we have had the odd bbq and invited 1 or 2 of his friends it feels odd and I constantly say "nope, I've no idea who that is" and "no really, I've never met them" "oh sounds nice, no I didn't no anything about it".

do you have a romantic relationship or are you cohabiting parents?

Yes we are in a relationship

So there have been chances to integrate the friendships, but you haven't wanted too.

You can't set your house on fire and complain it got covered in soot

To him or his friends? After 20 years you've never met his friends? Have you met his family?

Surely this behaviour predates your children as you don't know his friends so won't have ever met them. He's never included you in his friendship group.

I'm not sure what you want to do but I would start pushing back. I would build your own social life. Take a night class, join a gym or do a sport, go out with colleagues even go out yourself.

I would have a discussion about how you feel excluded and would like to meet his friends. Perhaps have some over for dinner.

Thanks. I am totally committed to building a life for myself as I realized he wasn't going to change.
He's just so compartmentalized. He has a real selfish streak too.

I have had these discussions with him and he always says sorry but nothing ever changes. We weren't together long before children, and as we were quite young I think it ended up suiting him. He liked coming home to me and his baby. He had the best of both worlds.

I just wondered if anyone had this set up and if it worked out long term.

And no, he's not like that with his family. I get to share in that because he couldn't cope without a wingman then!

What age were you both when you became parents?

What do you mean when you say you felt bad trapping him with the baby? Did he not play a part in that too?

Living life for yourself includes never seeing his family again if that’s what works for you. You don’t owe this man anything. As a woman with a job and 3 kids, I find if I always went along to the in laws that would significantly impact on how much time I have for me.
him: we have x. You:ok but I won’t go.
him: ???
you: I need more time for me. I’m not interested in being available for you when it’s convenient. You’ve spent 20 years not inviting me to anything with your friends, now I’m going to spend 20 years only going to things I want to and for our kids, That’s not your family. I shall have a wonderful afternoon instead.

I don't know how you've made this work for 20 years! DH and I have our own friends but we know and socialise with them, together and separately. It doesn't sound like you and your partner socialise together as a couple. I would be unhappy in your situation 😔 do you want to stay with him or do you think you'd be happier if you separate?

How did you trap him? How about the other 3 kids, were they a trap too or did he want them?

If you have spoken to him about this and nothing changes then you can either put up with it or leave.

I think you should just make your own life. Don’t expect to join him, and don’t include him in anything you do. Once you have started your amazing new life you should occasionally be busy when he wants you to go to family gatherings. And as someone suggested once you are living your own life you can decide if he fits into it.

Why have you put up with this shit for 20 years!!! I wouldnt put up with it for 5 minutes.
Leave and live your own life before its too late for you.id have blown my stack long before now.

Early twenties. I know I didn't trap him really but my younger wounded self felt guilty as he did not want a child. He did a massive u turn, but it was always on my mind. I knocked the party lifestyle on the head. He didn't. His friends were not wanting to hang out with a family I imagine and now they are the ones having kids, and he's going to their baby showers, I can't help but feel a little miffed.

I wonder if his friends have long term wives/partners and do they all know each other?
Is it just you that gets left out, or is it a boys only thing?

They all seem to be partnered up now. And I think the girlfriends to hang out to an extent.

This is really sad, OP. I can't imagine living like this, I'm not surprised you're hurt. Obviously it's fine to do things separately but not to this extent. You don't even know who he is outside of your family, and he doesn't know who you are.

I think you need to sit down and talk to him properly. That is, if you're happy enough in other ways to stay. I feel I can assume he doesn't necessarily pull his weight? Or he hasn't, at any rate, if he's off living the high life while you're at home bringing up the kids.

Do you want to stay? If so, why? What's good about this relationship?

If he felt trapped by one child why did you have three more?

Actually no, a couple years ago I would have freaked out at the prospect of our relationship ending but now, I am feeling strong. I have what I'm calling a 5 year plan. I am restarting my career, losing weight, developing friendships etc. If it were to end I want to be in a good place for myself and my kids and that will take time.

And that doesn't mean I don't want to work it out with him... But I am unwilling to continue to live in the background of my own life.

A man wanting to go to a baby shower, especially without his partner, is just plain weird. I'd have to drag mine kicking and screaming.

I agree...!