To ask you if you ever asked anyone this question

[lolit]

If you ever asked anyone a question like "how does my new haircut look?" or "does this outfit look good on me?" or something along those lines, do you actually want an honest answer?

The reason I am asking is because I am ND and I am always direct and honest when answering this question because this is the way my brain functions. This has gotten people upset with me and I get told off that I am supposed to always lie and say it looks great! But this to me makes no sense! Wouldn't you rather know the truth so you can change it, then hear everyone say your new haircut is great, but they are actually laughing behind your back because you look like a pencil 😆

YABU - I want an honest answer
YANBU - I don't want an honest answer

In my experience when people ask about something they’ve done / bought they don’t want a negative opinion. If they ask you BEFORE you can be more honest but once haircut is done and the dress is bought - never, only compliments.
I personally only ask if I want an honest answer so I only ask my DH and DD. I never ask anyone else and never say negative truth to someone else but I suspect I’m in minority.
I wouldn’t dare to say the truth even to my own mum and sister.

I find the safest way is always to translate questions like that as "tell me how fantastic I look in this". The only time it's safe to be more honest is if they have an alternative "which of these two dresses should I wear today?"

To be honest, I might think I want an honest answer, but I always feel a bit sad/angry if I get one.

Haircuts are difficult - you can't change it. There is no point in criticising anything that the person can't easily change

Remember too that the person has probably tried to look their best, so it is quite devastating to be told they still look rubbish. So at the very least try to be positive "You look great. You'd look even better if you cinched in the waist a bit. Your skin colour is lovely, I thin k you'd really suit THIS colour".

They're not going away and laughing - the fact they've lied shows they care about the person asking and their feelings.

I only really ask my DH or DS as I know they'll tell me the truth.

When people ask me, I'm honest if I don't think it suits, but I phrase it as nicely as possible.

But alright is a greeting, the point of a greeting is to acknowledge someone. Why would you ask someone a question if you don't actually want an answer, what a waste of time...

It's called fishing for compliments. Just say 'mm, yeah, lovely'

I find it a little difficult to outright lie. Where possible I find a positive somewhere to reply with. Like 'that's a lovely colour', 'it really brings out your eyes', 'it's a good fit on the shoulders', 'that will look good with your green coat'. That sort of thing.

If a friend is trying on clothes, I'd never say anything negative that I know hits on their insecurities. I'd steer them away from something by saying, 'that's nice but the other one really suited you' or 'would that one be comfortable if you're sitting down for a long time' - rather than saying they look like an overstuffed sausage.

As the previous poster suggested, you can also do distraction.

You get the gist. You don't actually have to lie outright whilst being nice and saving their feelings.

And I would never, ever laugh at any of my friends behind their backs. It isn't as though I haven't had bad haircuts myself or looked like an overstuffed sausage in my own clothes!

I want an honest answer yes @lolit (If I am asking.)

However, I do NOT appreciate unsolicited opinions from people. If I am not asking, why are they giving me opinions? Why do people think I care?

Even more bizarre and batshit is when I get opinions from someone I have never met before. I think 'are you confusing me with someone who gives a fuck about your opinions........?' I don't say this, I just look at them like >>>

I don't say anything. It wouldn't be pretty if I did.

Yes but I know a couple of people (one of whom is ND) who will actually answer the question, rather than treat it as a greeting.

And this is why ND often struggle to make or keep friends because they can't understand nuances.

That's a good point, but I am confused as to why is it always fishing for compliments, how come I never came across anyone who is asking this question because they genuinely want to know 😂

Not sure, but I've come across tonnes of people who have asked me for my honest opinion.

And it wouldn't be fair not to give it.

I've never heard this 'you must lie' rule.

It's kind of hard to explain I think.

I would try to jusge the tone and facial expressions of the person asking the question. If they were smiling, looking happy, excited, moving a bit bouncily maybe, and said 'what do you think of this dress?!' I'd say 'it's lovely, you look great!' because I'd judge it as them being excited and happy with it, and wanting to share their pleasure in it with me.

If they were looking a bit unsure, a bit undecided, maybe touching it a lot in a 'checking' way rather than a stroking, feeling sort of way, said in a more downcast tone, maybe scrunching their face a bit, a wonky smile sort of face, I'd take it as a genuine question, they're not quite sure and want a second opinion. I'd still try to be positive 'it's nice, I love the colour / length / style / whatever on you' (the truth) but I'd also say something like 'you don't seem totally happy with it, what do you think?' or 'maybe try it in the red?' or 'maybe with different shoes?' or something.

However even if they seem unsure - if time or circumstance means they cannot get changed, then I'd just say it's lovely. Either they were fishing for a compliment and will be upset if they don't get one, or they're not sure and wanted an honest opinion but if you agree it's not a fab look then they're going to spend the whole time feeling uncomfortable and self conscious.

It's interesting because I do understand nuances, as in the existence of them, but I struggle to perform them because that is just not how I function. For example, I know "how are you" is not an actual question and no one wants to know the answer. But I will never ever ask this question unless I want to know the honest answer.

Yes, but there are different ways to handle it, and only before they have paid for it.

Replying to "does this dress look good on me?" saying no, it looks crap is not helpful.

Better to say, "it's ok but you can find much better for the same money " and indicate a lack of enthusiasm.

You ask this because you want reassurance and compliments, in a way it’s attention seeking.
E.g your colleague came in with a new haircut. She is excited about it and wants compliments. You said nothing. She is gently bringing your attention to her new haircut by asking this question. But of course she doesn’t want your honest opinion, if she wanted it she would ask before e.g Do you think Lolit shaving my head off completely will suit me?
Tbh I’m with you - why bother to ask ? But it’s how people behave.

I think it all depends on if they are in a position to change.

So if someone was in the hairdresser's or a changing room and asked you you can be honest but I'd do it with a solution too "I like the style of the dress but not the colour" or the other way around, or "I like the length but not sure on the fringe". If they have left the place and have no opportunity to change then you just say yes you do like it and let them get on with it.

I refer you to @GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut 's answer.

Are you able to make those distinctions? These are the exact nuances I mean. Can you recognise someone genuinely excited tk show off their dress/hair etc they clearly love who are seeking affirmation amd mutual adoration as opposed to someone unsure about something and asking whether they should wear it or not? If so why would you rain on someone's parade?

I'm with you 100%!

Why ask a question if you don't want the answer? If you want me to flatter your ego, make that clear in advance.

It's not something I ask routinely but, when I do, it's because I actually want the answer. Not because I'm fishing for compliments. I'd be really upset if someone told me I looked great when I really didn't.

I would never offer an unsolicited opinion though because, unless someone looks really good, I don't really notice. In which case, I'll give a genuine compliment too. I've also learnt appropriate responses for answering kindly but honestly - go me!

Apparently, my compliments mean a lot because they are genuine 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would want a genuine answer but I would also expect you to be kind and phrase it in a way that isn’t nasty/upsetting

I think you have your YABU and YANBU references mixed up.

Yes, you are supposed to say "it suits you (so well)/it's lovely".

It's not a lie, because your opinion isn't "the truth". Someone out there might think it suits or is lovely.

But the subtext of this question is that the person is excited about the new haircut or colour or the new coat or bag or shoes or whatever, and basically wants to share their excitement. They don't really want to know what you think of it.

"What do you think? Isn't it lovely?" means, "I feel so excited about this that i want to show it to people."

That's a good question. I think if I paid close attention to them as they are asking a question I would be able to notice the nuance and recognise what kind of answer they want. But because of my autism I struggle to do focus on this, it doesn't come naturally to me, I have to be 100% focused on listening for the tone of voice, there cannot be any noise around etc.

It's not a case of flattering an ego.

The person asking is trying to share their excitement or joy or happiness about their new thing.

I'd just say it's lovely unless it's clear the person is debating whether to bring it back.

The 'much better for the same money' comment is just as bad as the blunt 'no, it's horrible' comment.

So why not just... do that? Say "I'm really excited about my new dress, I love it so much!" Instead of phrasing it as a question