To ask you if you ever asked anyone this question

[lolit]

If you ever asked anyone a question like "how does my new haircut look?" or "does this outfit look good on me?" or something along those lines, do you actually want an honest answer?

The reason I am asking is because I am ND and I am always direct and honest when answering this question because this is the way my brain functions. This has gotten people upset with me and I get told off that I am supposed to always lie and say it looks great! But this to me makes no sense! Wouldn't you rather know the truth so you can change it, then hear everyone say your new haircut is great, but they are actually laughing behind your back because you look like a pencil 😆

YABU - I want an honest answer
YANBU - I don't want an honest answer

If someone said, "What do you think of X?" I know I'm supposed to say it's lovely. So I do. But I think it's a pointless question if everyone is going to tell you it's lovely regardless. It's not something I'd ever do because, if I like something, I'm not really bothered what others think of it.

Why ask someone for their opinion if you're not actually interested in their opinion? Why not just say, I bought this and I love it?

If someone asks me if an outfit is appropriate or suits them, I will be honest. I'd never say, God know, you look awful in that! Even if I thought that because I know that would upset them and it would upset me too.

I would be honest but deliver it kindly.

I believe what people say to me. I only ask a question if I want their answer. And if I asked, it would be becaise I did want their opinion. Regardless of whether it would be someone else's. I just don't ask it about my appearance because if I think I look nice, I'm not really bothered what someone else thinks and a generic, polite "lovely" response is a non response.

Always go with a compliment. It;’s win-win, no risk, no fee.

One of my three sons is autistic and while his brothers tell me what I want to hear, he always gives me an honest answer. I love that about him.

I hate this question too OP. Also ND. I've learned to say they look lovely if they're happy with it or if they're concerned, ask them why. I try to be honest but I don't care what people look like, I'm just happy to see them. I'd never want to hurt anyone's feelings if they love their new haircut.

If someone looks particularly nice I will compliment them on it but often my tone is off (or so I've been told?) and I sound sarcastic. I can't win. Best to keep your gob shut.

It's probably reassurance they want, rather than compliments as such. Same as if they say "oh ny new haircut looks awful" - they don't expect you to agree. Tbh I rarely have much of an opinion about people's clothes so I'd not be lying as such if I said it was lovely, but it'd still be a pointless exchange of pleasantries. I think sometimes people do want an honest answer but they probably indicate it more clearly - either with a specific "is it too low cut for a christening?" or a "be honest" amplifier. Even then you have to tread carefully and find a tactful way to say there's probably something better out there if they keep looking.

I'm ND.

I'd never ask.

I always lie when asked, if I don't like whatever it is. I'd always says "it's lovely, it really suits you!" then obsess over whether I sounded convincing or not, If there's an option to not say anything, you want to bet I'm going to take that option.

Currently in awkward situation as I've found out a friend is "fuming I am so jealous of her that I have never complimented her on her amazing weightloss". (She's gone from a size 10 to a 4 at most and was never overweight in the first place).

I didn't know she was dieting. I thought she was ill and think she looks like she's dying of anorexia as she is absolutely skeletal. I feel very anxious about feeling pressurised to lie and say congratulations, you look amazing as she doesn't. But I can't say what my ND brain is screaming. "You look like you're dying and half your hair has fallen out! Shouldn't you see a doctor now?".

It's so annoying and complex being ND.

Another one that's driving me up the pole is that my SIL keeps saying things like,

"Do you like my new winter coat/boots/handbag?"

And I do my "Yes, lovely, really suits you."

THEN SHE BUYS ME THE EXACT SAME THING FOR CHRISTMAS/BIRTHDAYS.

And I didn't like them. I was just being polite! We have literally opposing fashion taste. Everything she owns is black. I hate black. It's so funereal. And she gets offended when I don't wear them, so then I feel obliged to wear them but bloody miserable because...sensory ick. And I don't know how on earth you ask to return a gift/for the receipt without offending someone.

Just....struggles of life.

If I asked you, I'd want your opinion. However that doesn't mean all guns blazing, so truth but gentle. Do you like my hair? It does look nice, but I think it suited you better blonde, rather than It's aged you ten years over night and you look like your dad in a frock.
Does this dress look OK? You look good in anything, but you have nicer clothes, rather than What the hell were you thinking? A wardrobe full of clothes and you come out looking like you bathed in glue and jumped into the rag man's truck.

I think you should give your honest opinion OP. It's not fair to expect neurodiverse people to jump through hoops to fake behaviour that doesn't come naturally to them.

I don’t want a blunt ‘it doesn’t suit you at all, it’s terrible in every way’ but I do want something constructive. If you said you liked my dress, but it would be better with different shoes, or the haircut was nice but you like my hair straight rather than wavy I wouldn’t mind.

But this to me makes no sense! Wouldn't you rather know the truth so you can change it, then hear everyone say your new haircut is great, but they are actually laughing behind your back

Haircuts can be expensive, and depending on what you've had done (if you've gone very short for example) it's not necessarily easy to change if someone tells you short hair doesn't suit you! So it's not that helpful if someone tells you your new pixie cut makes you look completely ridiculous.

OP, a lot of human communication isn’t about the exchange of information. Look up the phatic component of communication. It’s something my autistic godson struggled with. It’s not difficult — why would someone want to be told that something they’ve already done looks awful? ‘Your wedding dress was too tight’ and ‘Your hair looked better before you cut it all off and sprayed the bristle purple’ are not useful information. ‘Do you think this would look good on me?’ is the time for honesty.

@MorettiForMargo Do you like my new winter coat/boots/handbag?"
And I do my "Yes, lovely, really suits you."
THEN SHE BUYS ME THE EXACT SAME THING FOR CHRISTMAS/BIRTHDAYS.

Next time tell her it really suits her but it wouldn't look good on you.

But that’s not true either…..because plain black nothingness doesn’t look bad on anyone (just drab and boring imo) and she thinks that you can’t go wrong with “classic and black”. Plus she’d only say “nonsense! It would suit anyone! It’s timeless.”

I’ve already tried a subtle shift to, “Yes it’s nice. Very you.” Or “that’s right up your street isn’t it?” “I can see why you’d like it.”

Plus, when out I point out things that are my style, I say, “Oh I LOVE that, I know our tastes are different so you probably hate it but that’s definitely my style!”

She buys our Mum the same clothes/accessories as her too, despite her loving colour and never showing an interest in the same style as her, as well as being 40+ years older. It’s like she goes, “I like it so everyone else must too.”

She’s like Posh Spice and she wants everyone to look like Posh Spice.

Maybe actually it’s SIL who isn’t picking up on social queues!

I don't thimk tbis chap has...

I had a friend who would ask me my opinion as she knew I would be honest.

Close friend or sister I do positive spin honesty everyone else it's oh lovely

@MorettiForMargo oh god. Poor you - I've no idea what I'd do in any of those situations.

Perhaps with SIL you could say something like 'oh, yes, your gloves are lovely. You always look so nice in black, it just doesn't suit me at all!'

But I think maybe you should manufacture a conversation about your sensory issues 'I'm having a nightmare finding a nice jumper at the moment - everything I try on feels wrong. I can't bear tight wrists, fluffy wool and anything that's not a v neck or whatever.' might that work?

I think she’d see it as a challenge and get me something that meets the sensory brief but in a drab, plain colour.

And “nonsense! EVERYONE suits black cashmere.”

As a late teen, BF mother was just awful to me & about me, in front of me and probably worse behind my back.
She occasionally made her own clothes.
For some reason sought my opinion on a homemade outfit for date she was excited about.
It looked awful, uneven stitching, far too tight (large framed lady) but I smiled and said she looked amazing.
Made me feel slightly better.
Now none of that would happen, I wouldn't have such a nasty personality in my life.
I would go with 'lovely ' if asked by an acquaintance now, but prefer not to be asked.

Oh my. So she actually doesn't care if you'd like it or not. I hope you can regift it to someone who does...

@MorettiForMargo you might need to make a stand, she's being particularly obtuse, and it sounds like it's on purpose. Ask for the receipt as 'it doesn't quite fit' (extra points if it's something like a handbag 😂) and exchange it for something completely different as 'they were out of stock'. Tell her you've had your colours done and you're now only wearing xyz favourite colours.

At the moment you and DM are upset, to avoid her being upset. Perhaps time to even it out a bit but you'll need to be firm with yourself on sitting with the discomfort.

Also, could you just flat out tell your sibling privately that DSIL keeps buying you things you don't like and can't wear and could they please try to stop her buying you any clothes?