To think that there’s such a thing as a “semi-planned” pregnancy

[YankSplaining]

When I got pregnant with my first baby, my husband and I were not trying to conceive at that exact time. However, we were going to start trying to conceive in another few months.

Whenever people talk about pregnancies being planned or unplanned, I feel like neither term is really descriptive of that situation. Technically it was unplanned, but when people say they had an “unplanned pregnancy,” the connotation is that they got pregnant at a time when getting pregnant wasn’t in their imminent plans. It feels weird saying I had an “unplanned pregnancy” - like I was a teenager who wasn’t planning to get pregnant for at least ten years, or a woman in her forties who mistook her pregnancy for early menopause, or a childfree woman who was never planning to get pregnant at all.

Imperfect analogy, but let’s say it’s your birthday and you’re planning to go out in a few hours and buy yourself a birthday cake. Then your family comes in with a surprise cake. It’s not like you weren’t planning to have a birthday cake - you just weren’t planning to have one at that exact moment.

AIBU to think there’s a gray space between “planned pregnancy” and “unplanned pregnancy”?

Having sex + using contraception = unplanned pregnacy
Having sex + no contraception + no discussion around pregnancy = planned pregnancy by naive/stupid people

I agree with you OP. People can see the world in black and white but there is a little bit of a grey area in between. Even if you do everything "right" you have a 10% chance of getting pregnant per cycle and only a few fertile days per cycle. Some people are very lucky to get pregnant whilst not actively trying and are semi surprised. Obviously if you're not using contraception and having unprotected sex it's not a complete surprise though😂.

Basically, people confuse intent and recklessness.

I’ve certainly known of an ‘accidentally on purpose’ pregnancy, and a ‘leaving it up to Nature’ one.

Mine was "semi planned"
After having been told that I was so extremely unlikely to get pregnant, and even more unlikely to have a successful pregnancy we stopped contraception.

I got pregnant unexpectedly at 41 after not using any form of contraception for 17 years.

You mean when you are not not trying, ie unprotected sex but not tracking ovulation or timing things. The majority of the human race throughout time was conceived this way, it's the most normal and natural thing in the world. I don't see why you would have to call it anything.

If you make an active choice not to use any type of contraception, then you are hoping/planning to get pregnant, surely?
TTC, i.e., having sex to a specific timetable, ovulation testing, temperatures, etc, is a whole other thing that never used to happen. You just shagged lots and eventually a baby came along.

I think it's weird to ask anyway, none ever did with my first 2 but with my third no end of people would say were you trying? Like excuse me 😂 what business is that of yours?

we had discussed the idea of a third a few months prior to conceiving and we had benched the idea for a bit, we wanted to move first and what not. But then a broken peice of equipment not noticed by the merriment of Christmas resulted in number 3 anyway. Is that the answer you wanted random work colleague 😂

I think lots of people have semi planned pregnancy. Not trying but not actively preventing.

I think reckless might be a bit mean spirited as As one of the other posters here have said my comment refers to when you're at the stage where you'd like to get to or wouldn't mind getting pregnant but that you're not actively trying to getting pregnant hence the semi planned. If you don't want to get pregnant use contraception or don't have sex

If you make an active choice not to use any type of contraception, then you are hoping/planning to get pregnant, surely?

This is pretty obviously not true. There's a thread on here most weeks from someone whose male partner is genuinely outraged that depositing his sperm in a vagina has resulted in conception. People can be very reckless and illogical when it comes to sex and consequences!

I don’t think there is really - if you’re knowingly having unprotected sex then you’re taking steps to get pregnant. I don’t really see how that’s unplanned!

If you're knowingly having unprotected sex but just hoping or expecting that you won’t get pregnant then it’s not so much a grey area as deliberate ignorance!

Oh, that's not what I was thinking of. But I include myself and DH in the reckless group! I don't consider that to be mean spirited, it's an accurate description of our actions.

Because the thing is, lots of humans clearly do not subscribe to the don't have unprotected sex if you don't want to get pregnant viewpoint. Or even if they do, they don't necessarily stick to it. This is what I mean about the recklessness really. There are a lot of people in the thread essentially making the argument that logically you don't have unprotected sex if you don't want to conceive. But logic goes out of the window sometimes with sex and reproduction.

If you're in a sexual relationship and you are choosing not to use contraception, it is not an unplanned pregnancy.

I agree OP. Many people are in the position of not using contraception because they're taking an approach of if it happens it happens. Something because they believe they're leaving it up to God or whoever their religion says.
Personally I think that way is madness!
If you're having unprotected sex then you could become pregnant so you should be taking folic acid but most aren't doing that. I am a GP and I have had this conversation so many times. Absolutely fine of course to decline contraception, patient choice, but they shouldn't be surprised when they get pregnant and for heaven's sake take folic acid.

Yeah there's a middle ground.

I have a friend who really struggled to conceive her first, it took years of trying and several miscarriages. So she was shocked when she conceived first time with the second and carried to term. They had decided to stop contraception and to have another baby but were shocked to end up with two under two.

Another couple were planning to try for a baby later that year so she stopped using hormonal contraception and used tracking and condoms but got pregnant unexpectedly.

There are all kinds of scenarios like these, not exactly planned not exactly unplanned. Plus lots of happy accidents and accidently on purpose babies. Unplanned pregnancy often has somewhat negative connotations.

You deliberately stopped using protection. Of course the pregnancy was planned.

Despite having had four children I don’t think anyone has even asked or talked about whether they were planned?!? Is this a thing?

FWIW an unplanned pregnancy would be one where contraception was being used but failed. Any other pregnancies are planned if you have sex… maybe not meticulously planned. But like saying to folk “I have a free house on Friday” you can’t then say you didn’t expect to have a party… even if you didn’t buy the buffet and prepare the cocktails.

Regular Unprotected sex betqeen 2 people who are open to having a child is a planned pregnancy and its bonkers to think otherwise.

You don't have to be charting ovulation, BBT etc for it to be planned.

I'd say my second was semi planned. We'd decided to start trying for a second, had sex once on day 3 of my cycle (I have two day periods - otherwise regular length though). I then had a freak out that I wasn't ready for a second baby yet and wanted to give it a few more months and we went back to condoms. Too late 😂

I think if you're having regular unprotected sex, you are trying for a baby. "Not trying, not preventing" is rubbish if you actively choose to come off birth control to do it. It might be very casual trying that you're not massively invested in, but it's still trying. If you have both agreed that you wouldn't have an abortion if you got pregnant, your baby is planned imo.

How is it naive/stupid if you know you’re gonna have kids at some point and don’t care if it’s now or in 3 years? 😵‍💫

It's really not stupid or naive.

If you’re having unprotected sex then you’re trying for a baby.

I’m always amazed at the number of “surprise” pregnancies. If you’re having regular sex without protection then how can it be a surprise, unless of course you are using contraception but even then, I’m amazed at how many “surprise” pregnancies happen when using contraception….

It kind of reminds me of how many people describe their kids on here as stunning. Statistically, it’s unlikely to be true…