Fair split of chores

[Vogue89]

Potentially being unreasonable here but feeling resentful. DH doesn't pick up after himself. I'm talking dishes left on counter above an empty dishwasher, empty packaging left on kitchen island instead of the bin, never makes the bed, skid marks in the toilet (if flushed at all), dirty washing left on the master bedroom floor. I feel like I spend my days running about after him. I will come home from 13 hour day at office while he WFH and have to tidy up after him. Says he's rushing back to his desk for meetings so that's why he can't do XYZ. I do all the cleaning, shopping, majority of dog care and even his washing or it will just pile up on the floor when his basket overflows. It's driving me insane, making me resentful and unattracted to him. On the other hand, he does gardening and DIY. He is currently decorating a room so literally everything else is falling on me as he is "so busy" with it. Despite it taking about 3 weeks longer than planned already.

AIBU? Is it fair to do all the day to day shit while he does some periodic DIY and gardening etc in summer. Oh and he takes bins out if I tell him which one every week. No kids and no plans to.

Why are you asking if it's fair when you know it's definitely not?

The question is, what are you going to do about it?

Because you can guarantee he's not going to wake up tomorrow and be a different man.

Also, what was he like before you married him?

Did you live together first?

Do you have equal leisure time?

I would stop dealing with anything to do with his laundry to start with.

Asking more to check myself as he maintains that he pulls his weight and even claims he does more than me 😂not sure what to do about it other than go on strike

You don't need to 'check yourself', you need to see him for what he is, which is a lazy man who thinks he's married his mum.

Again though, what are you going to do about it?

I suggest sitting him down with a rota and telling him I can't and won't live like that anymore.

If he refuses to stick to his jobs on the rota, I would honestly have to divorce him.

And I don't say that lightly in a 'LTB' sort of typical MN way.

Stop doing it. If he thinks its a fair split then show him. Cook for yourself, do your own washing, leave his shit on the side for him to clear up.....just stop doing it

@TwattyMcFuckFace Yes lived together for 2 years before. He was quite messy but always tidied up after himself. It has been a gradual decline and worsened by being at home working 5 days a week. Plus I lived in his house in beginning so his full responsibility but now own joint home. @RandomMess I would say there are peaks and troughs for example he has given up full weekends with current painting etc but the norm is that I spend equivalent of a full day on chores every week consistently. It is rare he spends his weekend on chores or DIY, maybe a few hours every couple weeks unless we are doing something specific. During week I have less free time and have to get up earlier for dog and then obviously do the day to day picking up after us all.

The problem is usually that men have lower standards than women when it comes to cleanliness. He probably genuinely believes there is no problem. Try to stop doing the cleaning etc. for a few weeks or months. Eventually, it will descend to a level where he feels it is necessary to do something about it.

I would log your leisure time and sleep time in excel and show how much more you are working than him.

This didn't work with my ex husband.

He was happy to live like a pig in shit and I wasn't, so I divorced him eventually.

Best thing I ever did because lets face it, anyone forcing another to tidy up after them or to live in shit, really doesn't love or care about them as much as they claim to.

Write down every task, the time it takes and the frequency. Ask him to do the same. Then split them out

If he still refuses, reconsider your future (this is the stage I’m at 🤦🏼‍♀️)

Skid marks in the toilet (if flushed at all),

Wtf? Who doesn't flush the loo?
Isn't that the bare minimum? He has time to do that, it takes 2 seconds!

YANBU

The problem with the rota idea is that I feel I would just end up nagging him to do any of it which is still taking on the load of organising the house really. I think he needs to grow up and realise how big an issue this is for me. @TwattyMcFuckFace as you say, I really don't want to live in shit so I'd find it hard not to pick up after him. Maybe I'll just throw all the shit he leaves around the house into his office and see how he likes it.

I don’t think the fact that he does DIY and gardening means he gets out of doing any housework. He sounds like an utter pig to put it lightly. I would blow an absolute fuse having to pick up after him and flush the toilet after him. No one is that busy that they cannot flush a fucking toilet! That my dear is pure laziness and he’s doing it on purpose because he knows you will! Decorating a room also doesn’t mean he can’t do other things. As you can tell this has hit a nerve with me! My ex used to spend his days out in the garden pulling up weeds or building a shed that we didn’t really need when the house is falling down around us or need tidying and seeing too and I was left inside doing all the housework while entertaining with the children, it drove me insane and eventually drove me to leave. Have higher expectations.

Weirdly I think it is harder to stay on top of the housework while WFH than when you are out of day. I don't think a rota will help much. What might help is a proper conversation when you're relaxing together, maybe starting with how you are feeling about it. How you are getting weary and depressed with things being a mess when you come home and knowing they will stay that way until you clear up. Try to help him understand rather than getting defensive, then brainstorm some solutions. Paying for a cleaner is one possibility, and DH agreeing to tidy away his own stuff as soon as he's finished doing something even if he doesn't do the main jobs. It's not fair or ideal, but it would improve things.

JFC! You are not his parent and he is not a child.

Absolutely disgraceful and disgusting levels of lack of respect for you.

I could not be with a man who doesn't behave like an adult. The toilet thing is vom worthy.

No, the problem is you're married to a man who doesn't respect you enough to flush his own shit down the toilet.

You really are going to have to make a decision here whether to stay or leave.

You've basically said a rota will make no difference, so what other choice is he giving you?

Put up or leave is what he seems to be saying.

Get the Tody app. You decide how many 'points' each task is and you crack on with it. You get a proper overview of who is doing what plus it 'gamifies' it a bit to make it more fun. Haven't had a single argument about housework since we started using it.

Well I some times have to remind my 5 year old and I also have to prompt her to put her dishes next to sink but always put her clothes into the washing basket and divides them into light and dark. But yes for a grown man this is awful.

Yeah this actually puts into perspective what I'm living with!

So if you have told him you want him to do his bit & he just hasn't......

How often does he do the gardening?

What is the deal with "his" washing basket? Is there a deal that if washing goes in it, you wash it? If not, leave him to wash it himself. If it overflows, it overflows. Any clothes of his you find on the floor, chuck in/on the basket and leave it for him to do.
Cups/plates etc he just leaves for younto pick up. Don't. As you said, put them in his office. Keep putting them in his office no matter how long it takes.
Cooking. Just feed yourself/your kids.

My ex wondered why I didn't want to be around him..... If I ever live with anyone again, I won't put up with the pure disrespect he had of my time.

I do the majority of the cleaning and housework and my partner does the DIY and garden. However, he always picks up after himself because cleaning up his mess is not 'housework'. Your partner should be clearing up after himself, he's a grown man and why on earth should you be doing it.

You need to have a sit down conversation with him about what you expect him to do and explain that it's causing resentment.

I’ve just had a wonderful thought @Vogue89 you should take yourself out into the garden and make a mess and then take yourself up to the room that he’s painting and try your hand out painting and make a mess… leave it all for him to clean up and see if he gets the message!

Don’t wash his laundry, cook only for yourself etc. Basically you are on household strike until he does his part. If he complains say you are too busy with tidying up after him.
Every item he leaves on counters, floor etc just put in his office. This way you don’t have to live in a messy house but still you are not doing it for
him.
If you have 2 loos use one each until he can leave his in a clean state consistently.

When he is ready to discuss, have a list with every single chore and take turns picking until they have all been divided. List every single thing as everything not there he will assume you are doing it.For ex: sorting out mail and throwing away junk mail, defrosting freezer, renewing house insurance, changing lightbulbs…

It doesn't matter how much leisure time anyone has. Every adult should be tidying up after themselves as a bare minimum. Including cleaning the loo after they've used it and sorting their laundry.