Fair split of chores

[Vogue89]

Potentially being unreasonable here but feeling resentful. DH doesn't pick up after himself. I'm talking dishes left on counter above an empty dishwasher, empty packaging left on kitchen island instead of the bin, never makes the bed, skid marks in the toilet (if flushed at all), dirty washing left on the master bedroom floor. I feel like I spend my days running about after him. I will come home from 13 hour day at office while he WFH and have to tidy up after him. Says he's rushing back to his desk for meetings so that's why he can't do XYZ. I do all the cleaning, shopping, majority of dog care and even his washing or it will just pile up on the floor when his basket overflows. It's driving me insane, making me resentful and unattracted to him. On the other hand, he does gardening and DIY. He is currently decorating a room so literally everything else is falling on me as he is "so busy" with it. Despite it taking about 3 weeks longer than planned already.

AIBU? Is it fair to do all the day to day shit while he does some periodic DIY and gardening etc in summer. Oh and he takes bins out if I tell him which one every week. No kids and no plans to.

We’ve had a cleaner ever since I told DH I was fed up of reminding him to do his share. He’s always tidied up after himself and done his own washing though.

Can you point out to your H the lack of respect he’s showing you in not even doing that?

All this is precisely why Ex and I aren't together anymore.

It's a clear lack of respect.

He knows what it takes to run a house, he is choosing not to and leave it to you. Yes people are allowed to have different standards but not leaving your shit in or on the toilet for someone else to deal with is a basic.

Also, unless he is painting the Sistine chapel, it generally doesn't take more than a couple of days (allowing for coats to dry) to paint a bedroom.

He's a lazy disrespectful fucker.

You're right Vogue, he sounds really unattractive. And also a knob.

Unless you want to take on being his FT maidservant in addition to your other job then chores divided down the middle. If you have to nag him about this leave him. It isn't worth it.

Leaving his shit in one place (preferably his personal space) is a legitimate option. Also, if he is working from home, I would not be "doing the dog". I work from home and I do take care of my partner's dog, small jobs round the house and cooking during the week. My partner does a big clean, dog care and cooking at weekends.
If I find dirty pants and socks on the floor, they go into a spare room where his daughter stays over the weekend. He has no option but to sort it out. I also periodically go on strike and stop doing his laundry when I feel like he is taking a piss.

OP, forget about him.
The real question is where is your self respect and esteem to be allowing this?

You have become his skivvy and you allowed it to happen.

Stop any further discussion.
Stop doing anything for him.
Re think the relationship.
Men who love and respect you do not behave like this.

Lazy selfish disrespectful arseholes do.
He is an arsehole with zero respect for you.
That's toxic.
Thank goodness there are no children in the middle of this.

Send him this? https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sinkb9055288

Tbh, with no DC or plans to, I'd be tempted to live apart together. So, have separate homes - you can keep yours nice and his (plus all his own laundry etc) is his responsibility. I bet he's not leaving shit everywhere when he knows HE has to pick up - he is currently saying "oh, Vogue will deal with that for me..." every time he leaves things out. You can then go round to each others homes and stay over and have some nights to yourself. I get that's not always financially viable though.

You've married a lazy, sexist bastard. But with additional contempt thrown in - who doesn't flush the toilet ffs. This is what he thinks of you, that your purpose is literally to clean his shit away.

Don't do a rota, write up a list of chores for the week, then tick off each thing you each do over the week. Then rub his face in it. I would definitely use his office as a dustbin for stuff he leaves lying around. But I'm petty.

Why do you have to get up earlier with the dog?

He is not a morning person so I do the dog walks most mornings before work

Not a morning person?🙄.... the utter bullshit that women accept as fact.🙄

Sounds like he's not a day, evening or weekend person either.

Swap roles for 2-3 weeks, as he does more that means you’re giving him a break for 2-3 weeks :)

I’m sorry but this!!! My DH doesn’t see mess the way I do and drives me crackers but has never and would never leave an unflushed toilet. That’s just complete disrespect and it’s fucking manky

There is always an element of quid pro quo and that's fine. You don't need to do 50% each of each task for it to be equal. We are allowed to do tasks we favour if the other person is happy to pick up equal tasks that we don't.

Walking the dog in the morning is fine if he's then walking the dog in the evening. Doing all the cooking is fine if he's doing all the dishes. Doing the lawn all summer is fine if she's doing other tasks that better done in summer. If the tasks require equal time and effort then it's fine to split them in any way suited.

If one person works less hours than the other then it's okay that they maybe pick up a few extra tasks.

What is not acceptable is not doing anywhere near your share and also leaving personal care things and basic hygiene to the other person.

The glass beside the sink thing I've read before. My ex's version was coming home and putting his flask etc in the sink rather than the dishwasher while I'm trying to cook dinner and using the sink. It was his job to do the dishes so I guess his logic was that he would clear it all away after dinner but no amount of asking, getting angry, lifting the flask out and dumping it beside the sink would ever get through to him. He even would comment that the flask was dirty so would be a good idea to wash my hands after touching it if I was handling food.....

I couldn’t bring myself to have sex with a man who doesn’t always flush the toilet 🤢

Rehome the dog unless you are taking it with you, file for divorce. Life is too ffing short.

Alternatively tell your DH he pays for a cleaner that you choose to come in 2 hours a day 6 days a week and not out of joint finances. That's about £30per day/£180 pw. cash. But that won't make him any less of a lazy disrespectful sh*t and make you love him. So I'd cut my losses.

Is he washing his hands? Touching surfaces without washing hands? Eating food?

My brain is giving me questions I don't want answers to!!

My dh sometimes leaves things out or doesn't clear up a mess he's made. I occasionally clear up, but mostly I'd call him to the kitchen (or wherever) and make him sort it himself.

What even is a 'morning person'?

If it means someone who enjoys getting up early in the mornings it's irrelevant.

He's a dog owner, he needs to do it, he doesn't need to enjoy it.

Sounds like he's not a house person or partner person either.