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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm exhausted and sad and could really use some advice

43 replies

TryingTheBestICan · 15/11/2024 01:02

I'm a lone parent to a 6yo. His dad was abusive and sees him for one day every fortnight. He's not a good dad, will feed him McDonald's for the two meals he has him, shouts if he wets himself, smothers him with gifts, my son is nervous of him and doesn't particularly want to go. He wasn't allowed to see him for a long time as he abused us both. So apologies for referring to myself as a lone parent, but I'm the only one who does any parenting, emotionally, physically and financially.

Son has some emerging needs. ADHD and suspected autism. His behaviour is incredibly challenging and I'm exhausted.

I haven't got much money but work full time. I'm in the process of applying for DLA which would help. No guarantees though.

I have no time. I drop him off to breakfast club at 7:35. Start work at 8. 30 min lunch break. Finish at 2:50. Pick him up at 3:15. Work two evenings a week to make up for the flexible daytime hours. Can't take my eyes off him and when he's home he refuses to be in a separate room from me because he's scared all the time.

My parents are wonderful but also work long hours so can't help much.

I had the mother of all panic attacks tonight. I've never had one before. I called my dad who is a GP and he has just left my house. I convinced myself I was having a heart attack (I wasn't). I'm dreading getting up at 6.

I don't know what to do anymore. I need to exercise but don't have the time or energy. Son is always up 5-10 times in the night.

I'm tearful and sad.

Can anyone help?

OP posts:
username358 · 15/11/2024 01:14

You could contact the Autism Society and see if there's any support available.

You could also contact Family Lives for advice.

You could try Turn2us to see if there are any grants or further benefits available to you.

autienotnaughty · 15/11/2024 03:48

With dla form add every report/supporting documents you have as they tend to go on professional view more than parents.

If you get dla you could look at carers allowance depending on what you earn.

If you get these benefits could you reduce your hours? A bit of free time in the day could do you wonders.

Where I live there's a charity that supports carers, there's training, alternative therapies, coffee mornings and online evening meetings . It could be worth seeing if there is anything similar in your area.

Have you considered counselling, having someone to offload to may help.

I find meditation helpful for anxiety/panic . I use the calm app.

Can you stop visits if you feel they are not beneficial or reduce it? Does your ex pay maintenance?

DurinsBane · 15/11/2024 03:53

Maybe you should give up work? I know it is easier said return done, but hopefully with a diagnosis you could get DLA, and then you could gets carers allowance, which would enable you to get the other benefits in UC.

stayathomer · 15/11/2024 04:06

Could you take today off sick just to gather yourself together and get a bit of rest?

junebirthdaygirl · 15/11/2024 04:54

This is so tough.
Someone suggested counselling. Remember it can be done over Zoom as you can't leave the house. When ds goes to his dad pick your favourite thing to do even if it's sleep! Don't do boring stuff like housework. Maybe an exercise class or a walk or meet a friend. Whatever it is you can't do when you have ds.
Is there a physical activity your ds likes that you could both do together eg Park run or swimming?
Is there anyone in his dads family who could help if they are anyway decent.
When my dd was 16/ 17 our neighbours boy had autism and his mom was exhausted. Dd helped by just playing with him/ supervising him outside..she loved it and it was a lifesaver for the mom. Is there anyone you could trust? A child care student might like the work experience.

Panic attacks are a cry for help. Cutting down hours is a good suggestion or could ds stay in care after school for an hour a day or two a week so you are not always rushing.

Original poster
TryingTheBestICan · 15/11/2024 07:13

I've just woken up and can't stop crying. I need to get my son to school. I think I've burnt myself out. I just feel so sad.

OP posts:
nfkl · 15/11/2024 07:18

Sending you a hug OP, hope you will pull through and that it gets better for you, you are doing more than your best to be so tired 💐

LetMeGoogleThat · 15/11/2024 07:22

Someone up the thread suggested taking the day off sick, can you do that? Take your son to school and go home and make a list of some of the suggestions here and get Googling.

You've got this, it may not feel like it now but you have 💐

sandgrown · 15/11/2024 07:24

Speak to your doctor about an appointment to a sleep clinic for your son and possibly Melatonin just to help him settle. If you can get some quality sleep I think you will feel a lot better. You are doing a great job caring for your son . Hang in there .

MustBeGinOclock · 15/11/2024 07:26

Sick day op. You need it x

Autumndayz77 · 15/11/2024 07:27

you are dealing with so much, it all sounds so incredibly difficult. It sounds like you are really burnt out which is hardly surprising giving all you are dealing with. Is taking some sick leave to rest and figure out your next steps and option?

What does your son like doing that is relatively chill?

Jellycatspyjamas · 15/11/2024 07:28

Panic attacks are your body’s way of telling you you’re not coping (understandably). Can you take today off to give yourself breathing space. You sounds like you need a longer time off, which may be tricky, but just stop for today even if that means staying on the sofa all day.

Your son sounds traumatised, trauma in kids often looks like ADHD/ASD - I’m not saying your son isn’t neurodiverse but do also think about trauma in that mix. If your school has any pastoral care/nurture support that can help day to day - even things like Seasons for Growth or Emotion Works can help give him a language for his feelings. Also think about getting help for your own trauma.

If you google Cerebra they have an excellent guide for completing DLA paperwork really explaining how to complete the form for kids with non-physical disabilities. It makes the whole process much easier.

I know it’s hard right now, you’ve done so well getting out and things will get easier with the right help.

OhamIreally · 15/11/2024 07:29

You're absolutely in the thick of it now but it will get better. I don't think giving up work is the answer but more childcare will give you something of a breather.

It's not selfish to focus on your wellbeing. Who will hold your family together if you break down?

FreshLaundry · 15/11/2024 07:30

Absolutely you need to sort out his sleep first. That is so, so difficult to cope with. See the GP asap. Sending a handhold 💐

PermanentTemporary · 15/11/2024 07:31

Just a hug for you. I wonder if your dad has any ideas. Would your parents have your son overnight just so you could sleep?

JoanCollected · 15/11/2024 07:33

Can I just say you’ve done brilliantly looking after your lad and working so hard to provide for him. I bet you’ve have nothing nice for yourself and no proper rest in a long time. Others will advise on your ds’s emerging needs better but sounds like you have good parents and a nice future when you get through these really tough early years. So when you start feeling overwhelmed try to focus on that to calm down. You also need to deal with your mental health now so a trip to your gp and if possible a referral for some CBT is important.

verycloakanddaggers · 15/11/2024 07:34

The first step is recognising how much stress you are under.

It is nearly the weekend, no school. Can you have a rest day at the weekend?

Doing deep breathing and meditation can really help bring stress down in the course of a day.

Dontletthebedbugsbite2 · 15/11/2024 07:34

How does your son manage at school? Could you condense your hours & put him into after school care? This would give you more free time at home in the evening and also allow you a longer break away. It's understandable he's scared too after what you have both been through- can you build up to him spending time in a different room - putting the tv on & popping in every couple of minutes? Why is he awake at night? Is he frightened or is he a poor sleeper? This is a top priority as the lack of sleep makes everything else so much more difficult. Can you reach out to your local children's services for help? They may refer you to parenting classes which are essentially a means to an end and will be beneficial long term in supporting your DLA application & support your evidence of challenging behaviour/additional needs. It sounds so difficult OP & I hope you manage to take some sick leave from work & recover. You've already survived an abusive relationship- things can only get better.

Comedycook · 15/11/2024 07:36

sandgrown · 15/11/2024 07:24

Speak to your doctor about an appointment to a sleep clinic for your son and possibly Melatonin just to help him settle. If you can get some quality sleep I think you will feel a lot better. You are doing a great job caring for your son . Hang in there .

I agree....I think being able to sleep properly all night would make a huge difference to how you're feeling.

Mumof2girls2121 · 15/11/2024 07:39

You sound exhausted I’m sorry to hear that, sounds like you and your child both need exercise if he has ADHD and your struggling, get out for walks run some steam off together ?

YouLookLikeYoureHotToGo · 15/11/2024 07:39

Get your son to school and call in sick today to rest.

My heart goes out to you ❤️

StormingNorman · 15/11/2024 07:42

OP I agree with taking some time off sick. I had panic attacks a few years ago, ignored them and ended up having a nervous breakdown. It took me two years to pull myself together. I don’t want you to think this will happen to you but just want you to understand how serious it can be. You need to take some time for yourself.

If you can afford to, I would take a week or two. Drop your son at school and spend the day in bed sleeping or vegging on the sofa watching bad TV.

Just doing nothing will do you the world of good. Once you’ve had a couple of days of this, you may feel able to plan some next steps to make life a little bit better. Book a doctors appointment for your son, fill in DLA forms etc. But right now you just need to stop and rest.

Notsuchafattynow · 15/11/2024 07:44

You can self cert for 5 days, and don't need to provide a sick note.

Sounds like you need it (I experienced the same 10 years ago).

Is the contact court ordered? Can you stop it?

desperatedaysareover · 15/11/2024 07:45

username358 · 15/11/2024 01:14

You could contact the Autism Society and see if there's any support available.

You could also contact Family Lives for advice.

You could try Turn2us to see if there are any grants or further benefits available to you.

All these are good suggestions and also

www.home-start.org.uk

I don't know if it's something you'd want but if you get in touch and explain the situation you might find someone would be available to spend a bit of time with your son, doing some activities in your home, would maybe give you respite? I know ladies who do baking, take the kids out and about (this maybe wouldn't work given your son has separation anxiety) and even just let mums sleep. I am sorry you're going through this alone, you deserve more support. X

mumyes · 15/11/2024 07:52

Im so sorry OP. This sounds so tough.

I think it may get easier as he gets older....

But for now, one step in front of the other...keep going.
You sound amazing, and I am in awe of women like you.

You are seen.