I'm exhausted and sad and could really use some advice

[TryingTheBestICan]

I'm a lone parent to a 6yo. His dad was abusive and sees him for one day every fortnight. He's not a good dad, will feed him McDonald's for the two meals he has him, shouts if he wets himself, smothers him with gifts, my son is nervous of him and doesn't particularly want to go. He wasn't allowed to see him for a long time as he abused us both. So apologies for referring to myself as a lone parent, but I'm the only one who does any parenting, emotionally, physically and financially.

Son has some emerging needs. ADHD and suspected autism. His behaviour is incredibly challenging and I'm exhausted.

I haven't got much money but work full time. I'm in the process of applying for DLA which would help. No guarantees though.

I have no time. I drop him off to breakfast club at 7:35. Start work at 8. 30 min lunch break. Finish at 2:50. Pick him up at 3:15. Work two evenings a week to make up for the flexible daytime hours. Can't take my eyes off him and when he's home he refuses to be in a separate room from me because he's scared all the time.

My parents are wonderful but also work long hours so can't help much.

I had the mother of all panic attacks tonight. I've never had one before. I called my dad who is a GP and he has just left my house. I convinced myself I was having a heart attack (I wasn't). I'm dreading getting up at 6.

I don't know what to do anymore. I need to exercise but don't have the time or energy. Son is always up 5-10 times in the night.

I'm tearful and sad.

Can anyone help?

Firstly, take some time off sick.
If you are exhausted, you will not be able to make a plan.

Once you’ve had a couple of days off to recover, then start looking at your finances and how you’d be affected if you drop a day each week.
Depending on your wage, you might be just as well off dropping some hours.

I would then look into getting support for your son’s needs.
I would be tempted to ring SS.
If your son is scared then that is a big worry and his needs are something you need help with.

You deserve to have help with him and having that help does not reflect on you as a parent in any way.

We can all tell you are a good mum but your son just needs additional help and you are only one person.

Is the contact between him and his dad court ordered?
I would speak to SS about how him seeing his dad is impacting him.

If you have paid sick leave, please get yourself signed off. If you don’t, please see the GP anyway and get a fit note perhaps saying that you can work mornings only (for example). Take advice about what benefits and support might be available to you.

Then rest- but constructive rest, like yoga (which can actually change your brain chemistry, which is why it may help more than other types of exercise) or art or something which can bring you to a flow state and get you out of the chronic stress activation you’re in.
There are free Yoga Nidra practices on the Insight Timer app and that has also been shown to offer similar benefits- and all you need is a comfy place to lie and access to the app.

I have been burnt out and it’s awful. Sending you lots of sympathy and strength.

Would he sleep better if you co sleep?

Oh, OP. You are doing so much and it must be exhausting. I echo PP about a sick day if you can - uncontrollable crying and panic attacks are a sign that something isn't right. If your son is up that much in the night that's bad for both of you so definitely see the GP and maybe see if your parents could have him one night a month or fortnight so you have a break? It may be worth a call to your local Citizens Advice as well to check if there's any help you'd be entitled to, as well as the charities PP mentioned. It sounds like it might be quite lonely for you as well, so maybe being able to talk to someone would help? Well done for recognising the signs that you need help, that's a huge step in itself. Take care and wishing you all the best.

So sorry OP to read everything you’re going through. Sending you a hug. There is some great advice on this thread.
1 - hope you can take a sick day today and maybe next week?
2 - can you get to your doctors? Get an emergency appointment - talk about your son and yourself?
3 - I am lone parent and worked full time.. my daughter co slept for a while off and on as she missed me and brought us both comfort.
4 - can you summon some strength today and try and have a walk, go to playground or do something after school, or play a game in the house together? Then eat together and go to bed both of you early and cuddle. I sometimes did this when I was truly exhausted and then would get sleep 9pm til 2pm even if my DD was awake after that.
5 - a week off whilst he’s in school next week may help you rest and get some things in order and perhaps going to be early and cuddling will help you sleep in the night abit
6 - I also got to know a local teenager neighbour who played with DD whilst I was doing jobs on Sat am…. Really helped and she loved it.

I really hope things pick up for you OP - lean on Mumsnet lots of people want to help and support x

See you GP.
And ask for local support groups.
You might have a SEND Parent Carer Forum in your area who can help you (no diagnosis required).

Take care of yourself, you are being amazing. It is incredibly hard.

If you had the flu or food poisoning you would ring in sick. Mental health is the same, call in sick

It does sound like burnout. If you have paid sick leave I would try to have two weeks off at least - burnout takes a long time to recover from and you need some proper time to focus on yourself and rest. Really you probably need a good few wreks off but realise for nany that isnt doable. Try to do at least one nice thing for yourself a day even if it is literally for 15 mins - a bubbly bath, a nap, some yoga, a walk in nature etc. As a similarly logistically stretched parent (though without the emotional challenges and weight of responsibility that being a lone parent with a child with suspected SEN that must make it so much harder for you) I know those things sound impossible but without doing them you will not get better.

Agree with PPs take at least one day off sick whatever the case to give you the space to think about how you can reduce your work hours or find some additional support with your DC to give you some space. Agree also on the value of counselling - if nothing else having a reflective space to just talk about you and your thoughts and needs will make a huge difference to you. Does your employer offer an employee assistance programme where you can access free counselling? Definitely get to your GP too ASAP.

You are likely burnt out @TryingTheBestICan and honestly, who wouldn't be with your schedule and responsibilities.

Would it be helpful to have your son in the same room as you at night until he's a little older? That way when he wakes he might settle himself without waking you up. When he's older you can move him out again.

I think you need some time off before you have a breakdown. You sound depressed.

If I was you I'd arrange to see my GP. Talk it through with them. I think they'll sign you off for a period and medicate you.

Def go to the support organisations others have mentioned to see what help you can get. Consider whether working is tge best thing for you both, it might not be, though some work is good for most of us single parents (it gives us adult time) your schedule sounds like it's too full on.

Ref his dad, if he comes back worse than he went, stop him going but have a managed conversation with his dad first - maybe with SS help - redirect what he eats, raise no shouting even if frustrated. If that doesn't work then cease visitations until your ex can manage him.

Good luck, as a single parent with neurodiverse kids, I know it is hard.

Sending a big hug xxx

Thank you. The school have actually referred us to a local sleep charity which have medical sleep specialists. Apparently this is a good first step as it is quicker than NHS and they come to your home as well to do bedroom assessments. They will even come on an evening and demonstrate an effective routine and help you with it so am just waiting for that.

I can't give up work. I love my job and whilst it is tough, I have always worked. I can't imagine giving up the chance for a decent pension, and progression, and future promotions that might make finances easier.

The process of DLA is brutal. The form alone is crippling. Do you feel this has come out of the blue or has it built up over a long time?
Your mental health is as important as your physical health. Take some time of work, go to the GP and use the time DS is at school to rest.
I'm also a lone parent, with an abusive ex who doesn't see DS, who is also autistic. When i reached burn out there was a couple of people (literally 2) who volunteered to help. They work long hours. I still can't bring myself to ask for help until im drowning. You need to.
Relish the little things you do for yourself, even a quick shower is self care.
DS getting up so often has got to be taking its toll too.

I remember making a post very similar to this a few months ago. The replies I got were a long list of things I was already doing or in the process of, get an EHCP and meet with SENCO for example. Nope, you need rest. It's not happening at night, make it happen in school hours.

He struggles at school. He has to have his own work station, fidgets, movement breaks, lots of emails home for inappropriate things he's done during the day, has to leave the class a lot. On the other hand, he is very happy and had lots of friends so I am incredibly glad he isn't isolated. He's lovely. He's so kind and caring. He's just neurodiverse and in the thick of it as it's early days. The school have been nothing short of amazing.

We do co sleep and it is absolutely awful. I have tried many times to get him in his own bed. He wakes up screaming sometimes over 10 times a night. It's so, so hard. In my bed he won't sleep unless he is touching me. He wakes up Bolt upright in the middle of the night and is awake. Sometimes at 2am.

I posted earlier - but just wanted to add OP - if/ when you can get some sick leave and see doctor - maybe another couple of things could be to shut off from all phone distractions (other than support on here!) so everything you’re doing is focused on you and resting or exercising and not scrolling.

But also make a list of all the ideas on this thread with websites on a piece of paper and make a plan with those your happy with. Make some calls next week if you’re off then too; implement some easier things today. Do t feel you have to do everything now but having a concise list of all these great ideas could help xxx

Your situation sounds really tough OP and it’s ok that you’re struggling. I am a single parent to two kids who are being assessed for ND, they are teenagers and so obviously do a lot more for themselves than a younger child and I am exhausted. Be kind to yourself.

Are you getting help with the DLA form? I would reach out to a local carers group or citizens advice as they are experienced in completing these and can help you think about things you might not realise count as caring. For example, getting up multiple times during the night is important to include and could affect the amount you get.

Would he cope in afterschools a couple of afternoons a week? My adhder lived out local one as they had a big field and lots of outdoor equipment so even when wet he could go out in waterproofs

Also meant I could have a sneaky nap a couple of afternoons a week before collecting

It's so, so hard. In my bed he won't sleep unless he is touching me. He wakes up Bolt upright in the middle of the night and is awake. Sometimes at 2am.

My two were like that (adopted and lots of early trauma). I struggle to sleep with someone touching me so there was a point when no one was getting much sleep. A weighted blanket helped a lot with my DD, the pressure helped settle her mind and I could sleep holding her hand. She would wake with night terrors and would also sleep walk. I found having a consistent 10 minute settling process helped, so a glass of milk, gentle touch much like your soothe a baby to sleep. She could be awake but quiet so a doll or cuddly to play with.

I’d really look at trauma informed supports for your son.