To think becoming a grandma should take over your life?

[SlB09]

Background - a friend is expecting her first grandchild this month. She will not make any plans at all incase the baby arrives and it's obviously taken over her life and the babies not even here!!

AIBU to think that this is abit OTT? Absolutely this is such a special time in their lives but it feels like she's having the baby herself, it's completely taken over everything and her life is now on pause for the foreseeable - it feels like her life is about to change on par with being a new parent. I don't have grandchildren yet, does it change your life on this level as per having your own kids?!

I think it's lovely she's so excited and involved so YABU.

Is there a missing ‘not’ in your title? You sound a bit prescriptive. There’s no standard way of feeling or behaving about becoming a grandparent, any more than there is of becoming a parent.

Sounds like you wish you were the baby!

What do you mean by plans? Not wanting to go for coffee is a bit much, but not wanting to be away or further than normal from her DC is fair enough.

Ah, give her time. The baby could arrive at any time now. Wait until after it’s born, give her a couple of weeks, and then she’ll probably settle down again.

No, it shouldn't take over in my opinion but it is each to their own.
I have grandchildren and they add to my life wonderfully but, although I amend my life for them at times, they generally fit in with it.
I do have a friend though who does huge amounts of childcare, spending part of every week away from home, which would be more than I would want to commit to, but she seems happy with it

She’s just putting plans on hold for a couple of weeks because she’s excited. She’s not letting it take over her life forever.

Don’t be judgmental, support your friend in her lovely news. It will change her life because suddenly there’s a new person who takes precedence in her thoughts.

My Mum said becoming a grandmother was the biggest change since becoming a mum, and more surprising because she didn’t expect to be absolutely blindsided by that thump of love.

I was so grateful to my mum for being completely available and helpful when I had my first child! It made the whole experience so much more enjoyable, and made our relationship so much closer. Similarly I have friends who had post partum mental health issues who relied heavily on their own mum.
Perhaps more helpful to think about why you are having a negative reaction to her prioritising this? Would you feel the same if for example she said someone in her family is having an operation and she wanted to be around to help them recuperate for a while?

@Vissi yes sorry, missing the 'not' in title.

@loropianalover hahaha, no, just wanted a sense check as to whether it's ott as I've no experience.

@BarbaraHoward yes not even a coffee, like literally not willing to do anything at all which is why I thought it was abit over the top really.

@JustinThyme I'm not begrudging the excitement, it is a lovely thing, I was just looking for sense check as to whether this was normal.

@Lostthetastefordahlias absolutely, and I would hope to be there like this for mine if it ever happens.

Just to explain, I'm not begrudging this special time, I'm not jealous, I simply have no experience of this and felt, to me, the complete retraction from life was an over the top reaction. But hence the sense check as I don't know if it is or if it's normal!

I have a friend like this. She revelled in being ‘a wife’ then ‘a mum’ and now ‘a grandma’. It’s almost as if she needs a purpose label, like she can’t just be herself. It’s weird and we’ve drifted because everything revolves around someone else and it’s made her flaky. The final straw was my significant birthday dinner which she declined with several weeks notice in case she might need to help with the baby that night. Honestly, pathetic.

I think it's not the same for all but it's not unusual.

My mother was probably similarly excited about the births of the grandchildren -- but she does really like the whole labour, excitement of finding out gender and being around small babies and there's not too many chances in life to experience it so closely.

Edit to add: She has a normal level of interest as a grandparent now and sees the kids a few times a year and Facetime maybe once a week.

My mum is a very hands on grandma with my son. She has him 1 night a week for me as I sometimes work late. She also has a very busy and fulfilling social life and makes it clear that it’s important to her.
It’s about balance. My mum wouldn’t drop her plans just to have my son at whenever I want her to. I would also feel a bit weird if her world revolved only around my son!

Your friend is being weird and over-dramatic by not even being free for a coffee!!

My parents both had full time jobs when I had both of my kids and still do now, neither of them are retired. There’s no “normal” way to be a grandparent. Your friend is probably thankful she’s free and well and able to help.

@NancyDrooo yes, seems to be along the same lines.
I just feel that, kind of the same as being a mum, family comes first but you still need a life of your own and are still a separate human being!

We've had not coming for dinner and not coming for a coffee 'incase something happens', instead of just coming and leaving if anything does happen. Noone would begrudge that at all!

Sons child or daughters?

what if the expectant parents don’t want visitors until 3 weeks after the baby’s born, to bond?

doesn’t she have a phone?

@Whatamitodonow her sons (but does get on v well with DIL)

Hilarious. Get ready for the fallout when she's too intense for DIL post-baby!!

If the friend is the mother of the mum-to-be, then I could understand this a bit more. But if she is the mother-in-law to the mum-to-be, that is probably a bit too intense, too OTT.

If my MIL did that, that would make me feel claustrophobic just knowing she is putting her life on hold like that! When you have a new baby you don’t necessarily want people to hover around too much!

Does she have a mobile?

what date is the baby due?

have you specifically said, you wouldn't mind if she had to leave if 'something happened'?

I wouldn't plan a weekend away or anything, nor theatre tickets etc but anything I could leave without great difficulty or great expense I'd do as normal.

i hope her & DIL continue to get on well after the baby is born.

My mum doesn't work due to disabilities. My dad does. We knew early on that I would be induced once my baby was born. As soon as I got my induction date my dad booked 2 weeks off work.

Both my parents were massively excited to become grandparents. They were at the hospital to visit as soon as they were allowed. They were there to help my husband with his son (my ss) and the dog. They were there to help welcome our boy home when we came home.

They were a massive help in those first couple of weeks. Never once over baring. Just excited grandparents wanting to be there to help their family. They are the only support we have and both me and hubby are eternally grateful for the help they gave us.

@AutumnLeaves24 yes, has a mobile. Baby due end of the month. Haven't specifically said that but our relationship and previous events are such that I don't feel I would need to. We know each other well enough to know that wouldn't be a problem at all.

Yes I do too, it is such a lovely thing in life I hope it's just not too intense all around.

I'm now also feeling a bit sad as I only have a son and hope Im not shunned out by my future in law hahhaah

My DD had her first baby in August and she asked if we could be around and not go away for 4 weeks before the baby was due. I was very happy to oblige. I still continued my day to day activities.

Well, that's a bit odd then isn't it. Unless she thinks they only let her know on the landline?!

I think being 'too much' is where most problems start. So hopefully neither of you will do that & everything will be fine.

xx

I do think there are women out there whose 'value' is only measured in service to others.

I have a friend who I sometimes feel a bit annoyed at when she says 'So many of my friends have drifted away over the years'; and I really want to say 'That's because you're so unreliable, ready to drop any plans 'just in case' your married daughter decides she wants to go out for dinner, so you back out of your mates' get-together, over and over again' or 'you won't go out of an evening in case your elderly parents, who are in bed by 8.30pm and who are 3 miles away, decide they need you'.

It can be annoying!