To worry about being a sh***y parent

[MarthaFarkas]

I've had an awful day. My partner has recently had surgery, so I'm looking after two children (😅).
I had to desperately get petrol after work before picking up my DC from nursery. I got stuck in traffic and was going to be late, after having two petrol stations closed.

I did manage to get to the nursery in time, but my DC refused to get in the car seat, screaming, shouting, sobbing, resisting. Cars going past and honking all the time. I was at the end of my tether and yelled at him, in the street. A few people stopped and looked. I felt so embarrassed and awful for him.

Bed time was no better. He was pushing my buttons, he kept saying DADA CUDDLE and I even said "dada doesn't want to hug you." He shut up then and looked really sad.

I feel awful, I try so much not to shout as I grew up with shouting. I love him more than anything, of course. But I can't help but feel I've failed him.

If you were a shitty parent, you wouldn’t have written the post you have.

Most parents have good intentions. We all make mistakes, little ones that we agonise over and big ones we are unaware of and which have major effects. Try to be a better parent than your parents. Don’t try to be a perfect parent

We all have limits. You are only human. Apologise in the morning and say "next time, let's both try to do things differently. What do you think we should have done? .... Good idea, I'll try not to shout. What else?... good idea, it's really helpful when you listen to me."

Okay so what steps are you going to take to avoid becoming like your own parents who presumably wanted the best for you too? It's not enough to just want to be better. You have to learn new ways of parenting or you will repeat your own childhood.

I can't understate the value of apologising to DC even when a small part of you knows they've been an absolute turd. It doesn't undermine you...it actually helps them make sense of the situation, and understand you're human. It also helps model humility and one day they will be apologising to you for their unreasonable behaviour. It doesn't have to be in the moment, it could be the next day when everything's calmed down. It can be really hard but it's really important they then aren't left feeling any confusion.

The only part of all that that is a problem is saying his father doesn't want to hug him. I wouldn't get into apologies tomorrow because a nursery age child won't remember clearly or understand what you are on about - just take a deep breath and try not to get stressed by unimportant stuff like people watching while your toddler has a tantrum.

The fact that you actually care whether or not you are a shitty parent is a very good sign that you won’t be a shitty parent. I had some bad moments when mine were small. It’s just so relentless. As PP said, apologising really helps. Explain that you were tired and stressed and grown ups make mistakes too. Hang in there. You are not a shitty parent.

yabu you’re not a shitty parent just having a shitty time! Just say sorry and move on and remind him that dada does love him. Nursery pick up time is never pretty!

How much parenting do you do normally?

This isn't failure, it's part of parenting - observing your own stress and (most of the time) finding a way to step back from the brink. Deep breaths, look at the sky or go to another room (if safe).

Calming yourself in the face of provocation from your child is a skill all parents learn.

And if it's your partner who normally does all this, I hope you appreciate her/him!

The worst part is where you told your child that 'daddy doesn't want to hug you'. Where did that come from? That urge to be so mean/cruel? Did you really want to hurt your child? Is that how your parents behaved?

Whatever it is that made you do that, you need to deal with it and never let that, or anything like it, happen again. If you've come on here looking for sympathy and/or validation, you're not going to get it from me. I had parents like that and believe me, repeating their behaviour is something I will never, ever do, not will I watch other people doing it and say nothing.

Agree with most the PP's above. And I feel it's definitely worth apologising, they do remember, their minds/memories are incredible. They also are loving and able to understand if we explain in simple terms. Hug, kiss, explain and move on. Parenting is hard!

That was shitty parenting. That doesn’t make you a shitty parent.

that sounds like you were overwhelmed, and hadn’t had a chance to gather your calm.
when you are overwhelmed then it doesn’t take much for you to loose patience or explode.

I learnt -through bitter experience- that anxiety can be expressed through anger.

when I was at my darkest a therapist told me I needed to learn some breathing exercises. I could have just about punched her, I was suicidal and screaming angry, and she said I needed to learn to breathe. But she was right.

Intentionally breathing every hour for a couple of minutes helps you to reconnect with your body, to help you feel tension building up, and helps to release tension.
being aware of the feeling of tension in the body helps to forewarn you that you are stressed and need to calm down, before you explode.

if - in this situation- you had parked your car, and spent a minute breathing to calm yourself before walking up to the nursery, you might have been calmer and more relaxed when you saw yoh r child, which might have meant they were calmer and more agreeable when you went to out them in car seat- or it might have meant you had more capacity in your own “cup” which meant you wouldn’t have shouted in anger.

it’s really hard to calm down in the moment, instead I try and build calming resets into the day, which allow me to drain my “cup” which gives it more space for stress before overflowing .
in the same way that children are not their behaviour we are not our behaviour.
you are not a bad parent,
you might sometimes be an overwhelmed one.

3 years ago I was constantly panicked, constantly stressed, and quick to anger and shout. I am mostly calmer now.
and it’s because a therapist told me to breathe more.
she saved my life.
even if at that moment I could have killed her for suggesting such a pathetically trivial solution.

Sounds like both you and dc were having a tough day. 💐

@Bizarred your post hit home to me. Honestly I’ve been struggling with what you said - an urge to be mean and to hurt my DD feelings when she’s been acting out. I want to be clear - I haven’t ever said anything like that and I do stop myself, but that urge to hurt her feelings is there, and I’m really struggling to work past it.

I had an abusive childhood and I am in therapy but haven’t found anything to get rid of that feeling, only to practice finding the gap between that and acting so I don’t actually act on it. I really want it to go away. To be clear, I don’t act on it, but it’s there and it’s strong.

For yourself, the OP, and anyone else feeling like this please read or listen to the audiobook of "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons"

OP you need to sort it out and this book will help you. You cannot say things like this to your child.

You had a shit day. Forgive yourself and move on

@MarthaFarkas I can relate, it’s so hard especially when your patience is running low.

You aren’t a shitty mum xx

When my kid has a hard day we always talk about what went wrong before he goes to bed. We always end the discussion with 'we'll try again tomorrow' which he finds reassuring. Tomorrow is a new day and a new opportunity to have a good day for both of you. Don't beat yourself up over one not so great day, you did your best

It sounds like everyone had a tough and stressful day. Be kind to yourself this evening and tomorrow. You are not a shitty mum. Have a chat with your little one and apologise for what you said in very basic terms. Say something like, "It was not kind of me to say that, and I'm sorry."

You should also take this opportunity to look at strategies for managing moments like this when your buttons are pushed and you want to lash out verbally. Having some coping strategies and tools up your sleeve will help with this.

You’ve had a shit day OP, it happens. Don’t be too hard on yourself, we all regret things we’ve done whilst parenting

I’m definitely in the apology camp, it teaches them a lot about empathy and accountability

Shit parents don’t know their shit parents as well, you are not a shit parent. Tomorrow’s a new day ❤️

And you know what, the fact that you don't act on it makes you a really decent person. Who knows if the urge is nature or nurture, but a massive well done to you for dealing with it.

No parent is perfect. But I sometimes think being imperfect is a useful moment to teach young kids something important.
I apologise to my sons when I have got something wrong. If your child is old enough, ask them how you can both do better next time.
Don't beat yourself but do work to avoid repeating it. That is good parenting in my book. (And be kind to yourself too)

Shitty parents don't generally worry that they are shitty parents...so no op you are not a shitty parent.

Don’t apologise to a nursery age child tomorrow. The moment is gone and then you’d be expecting a level of understanding which is developmentally beyond them and actually quite unfair.

Nursery age children need you, as the adult and the parent, to be in control and have self control at all times. It doesn’t matter what they’re doing - tantrumming, screaming, crying etc. You are the adult and you take charge of the situation. There is no 3 year old ‘refusing’ - they physically have to go into the car seat whether they like it or not. Same with bed time. If you have to pick a child up and put them where they need to be and speak sternly (but in control) so be it. (Balance this with love and praise when they comply).

Yes, it’s hard emotionally and spiritually. Yes, sometimes you need Oscar winning acting skills to pretend you’re cool and calm when you’re not. But that is all part of parenting. Once you assert that you’re fully in charge at an earlier age, it makes the rest of parenting so much easier.

You're not a shit parent.x

It sounds like you were feeling really stressed OP- be kind to yourself xx