Is this just what friends do?

[Watermelonlimeandsoda]

I have not had a best friend since I was about 6. I have colleagues, neighbours, sisters, daughters, a husband, a dog and some people I would call friends so not usually lonely at all. During lockdown I found a couple of old schoolfriends online and we started reminiscing about the good old days. Once we could we arranged to meet up and 3 of us became close. We took it in turns to go to each others houses and to go out for meals and days out. I feel a bit stupid saying this but I felt really happy to have such good friends, one of them gave me a photo of the three of us at an event which always makes me smile when I look at it. One of them is going through a bad breakup with her husband, which she speaks about with us both when we meet. Last week I found out she has been invited to the other friend's house because she is sad. I just feel so left out and sad myself now and feel a bit annoyed with myself for thinking I was a close friend when obviously I wasn't. We are all supposed to be going to Turkey next summer for 5 days but I am feeling like the 6 year old who wants to say that I'm not going now (but I was looking forward to it). I know people can invite who they want to what they want but I feel so left out. Is this really just what friends do?

I think you're reading too much into it. It sounds like the invite is to help someone who's really down, not a planned great night out that you're being excluded from.

That’s fine to meet up separately. Have you only met as a threesome or invited the others out individually? It doesn’t mean they don’t like you! Sometimes it’s nice to talk one or one. Why don’t you invite your upset friend over?

If someone is feeling down and needs to talk then it’s best one to one - let them be and don’t ruin what you have by taking this personally.

I think you're massively overthinking things. Your friend is going through a difficult time. What's stopping you from inviting her over another time?

Don't go looking for issues where there are none. I have 2 great friends, more often than not we meet as a 3-some however I have also met them separately and I know the 2 of them have met without me. None of us take offence, sometimes 1 or 2 of us have a day off work when the other doesn't or 2 of us fancy doing something the other doesn't. We are all in our 50s, have been friends for a long time. For one of us to take offence at the other 2 getting together would only spoil what is a lovely friendship.

Please try not to feel offended or left out. If you show them you are annoyed you will only get their backs up when they have done absolutely nothing wrong. Them seeing each other without you on occasion does not devalue the friendship.

I say this kindly but grow up.

Healthy adult friendships involve respecting that each person is an individual in the friendship and there are different relationships between each individual.

Thanks everyone. I just wasn't sure so thanks for answering my question. It seems that this is just what friends do!

Course it is. You don't have to stick in a 3. Also sometimes 2 of the 3 will get on better. It's not great if you're not one of the two but seems pretty common from threads on here.

gently op, your behaviour sounds quite immature and somewhat controlling. There is no rule that one must include everyone of a group when inviting someone over. Sometimes it’s better to have a one on one, especially in emotional times. You could also have invited her round because she’s sad but you didn’t. Why not?
It sounds like you’re clinging to the idea of the 3 of you doing everything together, but you’re 3 individual adults.
please work on your mindset before going to Turkey.

Did you invite her to your house to cheer her up as well? Or check in with the other friend to see if there's anything you can do? Or are you just wallowing and making it about you instead of thinking about being a good friend?

You sound as if you’re an alien looking at earthling friendships. Surely the idea that the three of you don’t always have to meet as a threesome isn’t that unfamiliar? Are you normally this insecure and melodramatic that you think that two friends doing something they didn’t invite you to means you’re not close friends and has thrown you into despair?

The quickest way of ending a pair of friendships you claim to value is to get huffy or wail about ‘being excluded’.

I saw a post on Instagram (no, I don't usually get life advice from Insta 😆) that essentially said that the person had never been "the best friend" of anyone, basically always the third, on the outside looking in, but that was also fine and just the way things were.

So many people commented that they experienced the same and the post really resonated with me. I've never been someone's best friend, a good friend yes, but not a best friend. But hearing that a lot of other people felt the same made me feel less alone!

Yikes, you're getting a hard time OP and I don't really understand why. I hope you're ok and not taking these comments to heart too much.

Some of us are super sensitive and trust me, I say this as a positive (though it has taken a LONG time for me to see it this way). I have always been the same, and I have spent much of my life wondering whether I'm genuinely liked or if I've somehow gatecrashed a gathering or if people really want me there. It's brutal and we're horribly cruel to ourselves. It doesn't mean we're wallowing or that we're selfish and only thinking of ourselves or that we're controlling, it's actually that we're so lacking in self confidence that we continually look for evidence that we're not really wanted. And, with this situation, your brain has gone 'See, aha, I told you!' and now you're left feeling bereft and questioning all the good about the friendship. Look up Rejection Sensitive Disphoria - it's a very real thing and now I know more about it, I can stop myself spiralling and hopefully this might help you too.

As the others have said, friendship doesn't have set rules, and it sounds like your friend is having a tough time. The fact she's seeing the other friend without doesn't mean that they're choosing to leave you out, it's just that the opportunity presented itself for them to get together. Try, as hard as. you can, not to read anything into it, don't worry that you're missing out, just focus on what you can do to support her through this crappy time, either with your other friend, or just the two of you. Accept that friendship comes in all sizes and shapes, sometimes a two, sometimes a three, and sometimes you'll be in the middle, sometimes you'll be on the outside. Treasure the friendship - these things are precious, and I have no doubt that they treasure you too.

My year 6 daughter has this issue all the time...

Gosh. Did you wake up this morning and choose bitchiness?

You can do that too, you're allowed.

You can message one of them and invite just them to do something if you want to. You might do this out of convenience, a shared interest that the other doesn't have, one could be in need or you may feel like you've only got the capacity to meet one to one rather than a group.

This is such a non issue .... adults meet friends individually and together you are acting like a primary school child. Very silly

Years ago I met A and then met B, we became a three, B then introduced us to C and D.

Over the years we have done things A,B&Me, C,D&Me, B,CandMe, Everyone all together or a mix of at least 2 of us up until a big group of 5.

We all have a favourite restaurant and sometimes it will be 2 of us, sometimes all 5 of us. Some of us live closer to others so can pop by more off hand, others have more space for guests, or have the capacity to have someone come to stay (last year I went to stay with D for a few days)

I have autism and often feel social norms aren't outwardly expressed but the above is friendship.

When I had a rough time - I didn't want to impose but one friend invited me to stay, when another friend was having a run of ill health, I popped in to see her.

We have separate friendships that evolve and sometimes a text between 2 of us leads to an activity just us - ie finishing work early and grabbing a drink before the train, and sometimes we see another has gone to stay for a weekend with another. But harmoniously as a group we mix and interact our own ways and relationships and are better for it.

maybe invite the one thats having a rough time out for a coffee the 2 of you - this is how deeper friendships happen.

If you pull out of a holiday next year over this they you are indeed acting like some kind of six-year-old! 😅

The dynamic of three is different from two. Sometimes it's good to have just one friend to focus on at a time, especially for more intense chats where strong emotions are concerned. It's likely your upset friend just wanted 100% attention/shoulder to cry on, so a two works better than a three. Try not to let it bother you. If it becomes a pattern where they regularly meet without you, and never with JUST you, then you might need to accept they're the 'best friends' with you as the secondary friend. But even if, that's not the end of the world as long as you enjoy the time you spend together.

A bit of advice from someone who has many friends and has had them through life - the kind of possessive behaviour you are showing is a sure fire way to end friendships. People want to meet who they want to meet, when they want to meet them. Few adults will put up with someone who gets upset if not always included and who pulls out of a holiday in a huff. Give people room to breathe and enjoy their company when you are together, and let them do what they want outside of that.

Do you have problems understanding social norms, OP? Dare I say it…ASD?

Absolutely agree with this. You're included, just not every time! Complete overreaction on your part especially about the holiday.

You should invite the friend who is sad to spend some time with you, preferably at your house.
Then on another occasion invite the other friend to your house.

Being a friend is about thinking about what other people need, not just what you need.