What would you have done ?

[Gifgaf]

I feel like I know the answer to my own question but I've been made to feel really awkward about it, so curious what others would have done ?

My SIL DC who is 10 jumped on my DC cot and broke it. I am due to have another DB and was not intending to buy a new cot but now because it's broken, I will have to get one. I was fuming about it and mentioned to DH who has downplayed it and had no intentions to bring up his DS about sorting out. However, DH and his DS had talks about purchasing expensive beds and tech devices for her DS and I got annoyed and thought well if you're ok with my DH splashing on your kid, then why can't DS fix the problem her DC caused. I called SIL and told her that her DC had broken the cot and needed to be replaced etc.

Anyways, it's been really awkward since because I feel as though I should have kept quiet and just purchased out my own money since it's "close family".

AIBU for taking matters into my hands or AINBU ??

Id agree partially petty but for reasons that make sense to me because of comments SIL has made in the past. I would not have offered to buy him a £400 PS5 but SIL approached my DH to say lets split the costs to buy him one (which I didn't actually know about but overheard & also her plan and ideas). SIL does not correct her DC behaviour and that's what annoys me. There was also no apology or anything. Maybe I sound horrible but no we don't have £400 to spare as we have things we need to prioritise and frankly id rather spend money to buy my DC something than put it towards SIL DC when she doesn't do the same for our DC.

Exactly my point. I am sorry but if a 10 year old (in the case of this DN) can be trusted to hold a phone and travel alone, then he is old enough to know not to jump on a blimey baby's cot! It's not like he wasn't aware. When my kids go to anyone's house, I make sure to tell them to not jump or break things because things cost money and frankly you don't know everyone's financial position to replace things. If SIL had responded with some more empathy and understanding on the matter and said I can't afford it, I would have let it go. However, it's the opposite.

& that's what makes me angry. I have politely told him a number of times to be careful or not jump on certain things because they can break or God forbid hurt themselves. However, he is used to just shrugging his shoulders like what I am saying means nothing and the second I turn my back something happens.

I don’t understand.

Does your husband routinely help his sister with big ticket items for his nephew? I do this with my niece and nephew, it’s not something I discuss with my husband beforehand (but he has no issue with it). I also wouldn’t ask for money from their parents if they broke something, because of the same principle (I help them because we have more money than they do, and I want my niece and nephew to have access to experiences and things that they wouldn’t otherwise - so I wouldn’t give with one hand and take away with another).

By the same token, if my child broke something at their house I would pay to replace it because it would be difficult for them to, but I wouldn’t expect the same in return.

Is your husband more well off than his sister? Is he saying he’s happy to replace the cot AND still buy for his nephew? I would have no issue at all with that - but your posts are unclear. I’m sure he’s not buying the latest tech for his nephew and leaving himself without enough money to replace the cot? If that’s what you do mean, then of course he’s being unreasonable.

Because he shouldn't have been jumping on my baby's cot to begin with. I have kids and other financial responsibilities and on top of expecting a baby very soon and Christmas around the corner, it understandably makes me furious.

Is this not between her and her brother though?

If this was in our family, I would have already had the conversation, but nobody else would need to know about it. They wouldn’t then go to my husband and offer to pay to make him feel better - because my ‘rule’ (for want of a better word!) is we quickly chat about whatever help is being given/needed and then we don’t mention it ever again (my husband does know, but I don’t make it obvious that he does). I don’t want a relationship built around them feeling beholden to me/us - maybe it could be similar? Your husband may be well aware she can’t afford it, but in his head it’s dealt with and you don’t need to be involved.

I completely get it.
I'd be fuming personally and it is absolutely unreasonable of your DH to let this go and especially even entertaining the idea of splurging on unnecessary tech for the DN. He sounds like a spoilt brat and the SIL sounds entitled as fuck.

SIL made a comment to me a while back that actually annoyed me and now because of it, I lack any empathy towards her. She is a single mum but said " I am only a single mum on paper but reality is her DB (my DH) just gives me money or she can ask for money whenever and he covers all those costs". I find that so disrespectful because DH has his own family to fend for. I wouldn't interfere with him helping if she really needs it but I 100% am not comfortable when it comes off as entitled and expected. It's going to sound a bit horrible but if you have money to splash on fixing your face and going out all the time, then your issues are self inflicted and shouldn't be put on my DH and in turn me. There is something my DH has asked me for money claiming it's for him, only for me to find out it's gone elsewhere and I haven't said anything. I have DN and DN also but I don't overstep boundaries and neither do their parents, whereas DH side do. Yes DH could both brought the cot and put money towards the new tech for his DN but it's the principle that stands behind it and not taking the piss because you can.

But this is a DH problem.

He is the one enabling this.

My husband used to do similar for his sister when we met, and I put a stop to it very quickly (back then he couldn’t afford to, not even vaguely but did it out of guilt). He did stop - we needed the money for us. However, in the situation we are in now, I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at him helping his sister - any more than he does when I help my family. I suppose the difference is we are on the same page and you guys are not…

If it was my family, my DH wouldn't have needed to be involved because it would have been dealt with, without any awkwardness + my family has done so much for me and DH in many many ways and not all financial. I feel as though DH family try to come off as struggling sometimes but their actions are very different and my SIL is the kind that wouldn't see an issue with my DH putting me and feelings behind in order to feed into her and her DM needs first. The breaking of the cot really annoyed me but it's how it was handled that led me to even bring it up because in the heat of the moment I thought why should my DH be expected to splash money on SIL DC all the time with no real thank you but then her DC can break my DC things and we should just be expected to not say anything and just continue replacing. Usually I wouldn't have said anything but in this situation I feel it also sends a message that you need to be cautious and things are not free.

I absolutely agree with you op! The child is old enough at ten to know better than to jump on a babies cot! Your Sil Should have offered to replace it immediately and why is your DH buying such expensive things for his nephew?

I am on the same page if there is really a need for help and that goes both ways. However, his family is not more important than mine and in these times we have to also consider our own family and kids needs first above other things that can wait.

I'd like to know too... Me and my siblings do probably the same amount for each other's DC but why my DH splashes are ridiculous where his DS doesn't for her DN and DF is something I question a lot..

Just to add on the cot break. I only found out because my DC told me otherwise DN and his DG had no intentions of mentioning and would have probably left the blame on my DC.

Blimey OP the more you post the more it sounds like a huge DH problem and definitely not petty, more like the straw the broke the camels back. Honestly poor you. The SIL sounds horribly entitled, the nephew runs riot in your house, DH is a pushover buying him expensive stuff that he can’t really afford without it impacting his immediate family. Madness. I still don’t think making it about the broken cot and approaching SIL and asking for the money was the right approach because it’s just stirring things up in a way that’s unlikely to help but I would be having it out with DH because the wider situation is completely ridiculous.

The real problem is your grabby SIL then, and your DP’s pattern of giving her whatever she wants out of your family pot.

I would have sat there open mouthed if BIL said that to me about my partner. He acts the same way but hasn’t had the front to say it out loud! I understand your fury now.

It's taken a while to get to the root of the problem, because you clearly don't operate your finances in a usual family way, so people couldn't wrap their heads around what is happening.

The way you operate your finances is, well, wrong.

The problem is entirely how the two of you are viewing your finances.

Your DH is not giving HIS money to help his sister, he is giving FAMILY money (ie yours too) to help his sister without any consultation with you.

You are married with children. You are a team with invariably one party doing more of the childcare and thus not earning, and one party working for money more. Therefore, all money earnt is both of your money. You pay the bills and food from that and your children's stuff first. (It doesn't have to be a joint account, just the principle). Then the remainder is split 50/50 as disposable income for both you and your dh. Your dh is welcome to spend that on his dn, that's his choice.

If your dh is making unilateral decisions on spending money that you don't have out of a joint account, then you are in a very unhealthy sexist relationship.

I’d have been annoyed and I would have gently mentioned it in a non confrontational way to DSiL either straight away or at a point in the future, but would have accepted to have needed to buy a new one myself. I would not have asked for money (but would have eventually accepted any offered).

Accidents do happen with kids all the time and yours later may have an accident at theirs (older DN and more expensive toys with yours being younger and less aware).
I haven’t read all the replies everywhere, but if DH is thinking of buying DN a PS5 I feel that a bit expensive gift.

What?

The issue is with the SIL AND the husband. No one is trying to “drive them apart”

Husband should have spoken to his sister after his wife asked him too. The SIL should then have replaced the cot. It didn’t need to be brand new.

I don’t understand your point.

OP: yes. It should have been brought up with SIL by your HUSBAND! And she should replace it using pocket money from the 10 year old.

Dont listen to grumpygrapes nonsensical comment.

This…how are people justifying a TEN year olds behaviour???

DN sounds like a nightmare. Does he break things at home, school etc? Something just doesn't sound right here, with either the child or your DH attitude to putting up with it.

Why do you have so much hatred for a 10 year old?
You only ever refer to him as SIL DC or DH's DN - never your nephew!

You have DC of your own now - I can guarantee that at some point they'll break something of someone else's and you'll realise how shitty you've been towards a child!

Omg 🤦‍♀️
She doesn't 'hate' the 10 year old but she is rightfully pissed off for his irresponsible mothers attitude to him disrespecting her house and furniture!
If anyone let their child break my stuff like that and seemingly not care I would lose it big time.
What is with these responses

I agree with you OP.. Nephew is 10 he's more than old enough to know that a kid of his size is going to break a baby's cot simply by standing on it let alone jumping on it. Why is this kid not being taught to respect other peoples property? Its like the kid and his mother are hanging on to the attitude of its ok Brother/Uncle will just splash the cash to buy another. Having read your replies I'd not be putting a penny toward the kids new technology and telling the hubby's sister sorry there's now a cot needs replacing due to her son being careless and breaking one so now she can save up and buy her kids stuff herself rather than rely on handouts from her generous brother for once. The sister sounds spoiled and entitled and unfortunately shes raising her child to be just as entitled as her. I'd honestly put a stop to financing her so much and make her pay for what her kid has damaged

With the frustration I was feeling, I was actually very polite with her but it's the attitude that annoyed me. A normal responsible parent would at least apologise and offer what they can & then it would be my decision to accept or not. However, SIL responded after everything " I am just saying what DB told me to say". This caused an argument between me and DH and he said he never told her to say anything to "keep me happy". At that point it was the principle behind it and setting a clear message for next time (hopefully no more).