Relationship advice

[CheeryLemonHare]

This is probably going to be a bit of a long one so you may want to grab a coffee 😀

I moved down south back in the year 2000 and met my now husband. We have no kids and no family in the area we live. We have made a few friends through work, neighbourhood etc.

something is not right between us and It is really getting me down.

We are both in our 50s and have always done everything together and have always been happy and content. Being in a new area with no family over the last 25 years made us very close. I have a good social life and enjoy day/night outs with the girls, trips away etc and he never has an issue with this. As long as I am happy he is happy.
He is very relaxed and easily pleased and will happily go for a walk and stop at the local pub for a couple of beers. He has a close friend from work that he often meets for a drink and occasionally he goes to London to meet old school friends.

This all sounds very positive but I feel lonely and very sad. All my friends are couples and when we get invited to anything he won’t go. He says you go, have a lovely time and I will pick you up.
when I do manage to persuade him to come to a friends house I can tell he is not comfortable there and either he will leave early or we will both leave early.
I go to shows in our local theatre but again he won’t go but will meet me after to go for a drink in our local. He is very social with them all in the pub. It seems to be that he doesn’t like the confined space thing. Being in somebody’s house, small talk etc.
recently a friend asked if we would like to go to London for a drink and then go for a meal. He said he doesn’t see the point going all the way to London when we can do the same thing here. I feel very frustrated at this comment and said because it’s a different place, atmosphere and a day out.
he doesn’t agree. He said he would only go if it was to do something that he was interested in.
he said that I am being selfish and should accept that he doesn’t enjoy these kind of social events. He said I understand that you enjoy sitting in somebody’s house chin wagging and playing silly games but that is not for him.

This is causing us to bicker, something that we have never done. He keeps blaming my hormones and says I am being unreasonable.
I genuinely am feeling very lonely and sad. I miss the bond we had together when it was just me and him. I feel like there is a division between us. I feel sad that when I do anything I have to do it alone with other couples.
why did this not bother me before? Why is it bothering me now?

why do I feel so unsettled? I have even suggested we move back to my home town so that I can be closer to my family. He said he would if it makes me happy but I know that he won’t be happy and this makes me feel guilty.
he doesn’t do the family thing. Even now if I go home I go home alone. He is making an effort this year at Xmas but he Keeps pointing out that he doesn’t want to stay any more than 2 days. He has no family, his parents have passed.

I really don’t know how to deal with this. We talk about it but just don’t seem to get anywhere. He will cuddle me and make me feel better but it doesn’t take away everything that is making me sad and lonely.

I would move back to your home town, work on your confidence so that you don't feel guilty, and go and enjoy your time with your family and friends. You are not compatible, he is ok to not want to do certain things but he also sounds selfish.

He's not being reasonable, and he should go to events with you, it's part of being a good partner tbh, it sounds like you've put up with it for ages

A bunch of people will be along shortly to tell you it’s OK to let him get on with his (boring) pursuits while you get on with yours.

I disagree personally. For me there is no point to a marriage where one partner has removed themselves from life and is determined to isolate themselves.

His lack of curiosity and passion for life is your problem and it would bother me.

I would leave. No value in a relationship which brings no joy.

I like doing some stuff separate from my partner and think it's healthy rather than being joined at the hip. So I think it's unreasonable to expect him to do something he dislikes. You're a whole person with or without him, I'd go and enjoy your friendships and let him do his own thing.

This is very interesting. It seems you do get along well together and he is considerate and supportive when you it's just you two. But then you say you miss it just being the two of you and that seems to conflict with wanting to spend time with him in the company of others. What difference does that make? It sounds as though you have healthy parallel social lives so why is it such a big deal that he'd rather sit out larger group events. Some people just don't love the group dynamic and I wouldn't enjoy it if I knew my partner wasn't comfortable. Why would this make you lonely? Most couples I know who have separated seemed to thrive in group settings as they had very charismatic partners but it turned out they weren't so charming without an audience.

I know what I'd prefer.

Your husband sounds like a good man and they hard quite hard to find so it’s worth trying to work through. I think you need to understand more about why he doesn’t like social events. He sounds quite introverted. It’ll help you see things from his perspective. However saying that relationships only work if both parties are willing to compromise. If you not getting through to him verbally, I find writing things down has more of an effect. Tell him you are feeling lonely. The compromise would be that he comes to half of the events.

Please don’t compare yourself to others believing they have it better, they probably don’t. It sounds like a good marriage other than this. Is there anything else going on? I might be jumping to conclusions but as someone who also doesn’t have children, could be there be an emptiness from this? Even if you didn’t want them and it was the right decision, there can still be empty space.

He doesn't sound selfish at all. Why is not being very social selfish. I'm an introvert and the older I get the less I want to go out. It exhausts me. It drains me. It takes me 3 days to recover. I am very socially extrovert in the right situations but otherwise nope. This is VERY typical of introverts and also for people who are ND. Why is that selfish? Other people demanding you do what makes THEM happy even though it is difficult for you. Now that's selfish.

The OP has said in other threads that they have always felt dissatisfied in life wherever they have lived. They always feel lost and low. I don't think this is a partner problem. I think the OP should seek therapy to discover the root of her constant dissatisfaction in life.
If it is her marriage then that will come out. But the constant seeking something but always feeling lost and low regardless of circumstances sounds more like an internal thing.
Assuming it is the relationship can be terrible. End the relationship and then discover you still feel this way and you've fucked up one of the good things in your life and still are not happy.

Your excuses for him are out of the window straight away. It's not that he's not social, he will go to the local, go to pubs, chat with people and be fine. But London, god no why do I need to do that when I can do it here. That's not about not being social, it's selfish to only ever think about himself and not his partner too. Won't go to the theatre but will meet after to go the pub? Yeah that's not an introvert, it's someone choosing not to do things with their partner that their partner likes.

I'm not hugely seeing the problem. Of course it would be nice if he did couples things with you but it doesn't sound like he avoids spending time with you, just where other people are involved? If other aspects of the relationship are good this sounds like something to compromise on TBH. Is there any chance you have a touch of depression?

My husband is like yours. He is happiest on his own, with me and with our adult children.
He goes hill walking every weekend and wild camping alone as often as possible.

I gave up on the shared social life years ago. I see my friends, he goes wild camping.

We do things together as well, walks, day trips, holidays.

I can't force him into a social life that he's not comfortable with.

If you would be less lonely and sad moving closer to family, do it. But I don't think you can expect your DH to change now. He's just not into people like you are.

Your relationship sounds fulfilling in other ways and he seems like a good well meaning egg. Maybe you could do meet ups with just the girls rather than couples if you don't want to feel the gooseberry? I've never understood people who insist on going everywhere as a couple all the time. I don't think he is being selfish.

I married a bloke with severe phobias and anxiety, agoraphobia,he would get in the car, go to work, come home,go to the summer house at the bottom of the garden. We tried going out with friends for meals, sometimes he would run away at the door. He spent years on antidepressants getting stronger and stronger doses, seeing psychiatrists, it stemmed from his childhood, when he was 7, his mother waited till the kids were at school and went off with another man. This was late 50s,so no counseling, nothing . When he next met her in his 20s, it was NOT to be discussed "you mustn't upset mother". Had a strained relationship, for some years, with the very large elephant in the room. He eventually saw a Hypno/physiotherapist,who helped . Friends kept telling me, I MUST, get him to do eczema, it had to come from him! He hates pubs, noise, even some stuff on TV he has to turn the sound off,he has hypercusis. We would have people round,he would end up vomiting, hiding in the bedroom,he doesn't drink, hates pubs. About 5 years ago,he said "I'm done with the anxiety", and in the main has it under control. I was an only child,am quite shy, and was nursing,so plenty of empathy and sympathy. We muddled along nicely and have been together 35 years, but we have DKs, I already had 3, he feels awkward with his,is ok with babies and teenagers, says he doesn't know how to interact with them. At 13/14 now, they just say "ah,that's grandad" with an eye roll.

I see the phone has made changes, psychotherapist and eczema was XYZ.

Hi Anabella
i find this very difficult because the social events we are invited to are all couples. I go myself and make excuses for him because he doesn’t want to be there. The latest being invited to London for the day out. I wont do this on my own but will have to make an excuse why we won’t go.

Hi Jurassic Park. Thankyou for your feedback.
yes he is a very lovely good man and I agree they are hard to find. He loves me very much. He is a very firm believer that if he doesn’t want to do something then he won’t do it, he is not like me. He won’t make an excuse why he will just be honest and say no thanks it’s not my scene. It’s very difficult when I have to tell my family that he doesn’t want to come for a break because he prefers the company of his own home. I always made an effort to go visit his mother and I just struggle with this.
it seems to be bothering me more as I get older.

Hi Silk Worm. You’re right he doesn’t avoid doing things with me. We walk our dog, go out for meals, go to the locals etc. he just won’t do anything that involves my social group. He will happily meet his old school friends in London even though there is no purpose and will happily go for a meal with his work colleague and his wife.
I find this all very one sided and it didn’t bother me before but as I get older it seems to be upsetting me. I could quite easily just get in with it and do the social thing on my own but it makes me feel distant from him. Like we are living separate social lives.

that’s what upset me. The fact he can do these things but only when it’s with the people he chooses to. Perhaps I am wrong and being selfish to feel like this as we all have our own lives to live and should be able to do it without judgement

Nah he's being selfish and only thinking of himself and not you.

Its a difficult one. Because it does sound like there are some good parts to the relationship and the problem is mainly that he doesn't want to join you in certain activities, but he puts no barriers up for you doing them yourself. I suppose I'd be asking myself what were the alternatives. If I left him, well I'd still be doing those things on my own, unless I was leaving in the hopes of finding an equally good man who did enjoy those things. How likely is that for you? I'd also be reflecting on where the loneliness came from, because on paper, you've the best of both worlds. Free to do as you please with your friends, and a partner waiting at home. Why is his absence at social events lonely when you know he's only a while away in the house? I'd be wondering, if I was using the word lonely to describe myself in a relationship, whether the actual one on one time was good enough or did that feel a bit empty too.

I don't agree he's being selfish.

He's choosing not to be bored at social events that he doesn't like.

And what part of a relationship is that again? He can have a meal locally but not London because he will be bored? Oh ok. And sometimes we push ourselves a little to meet in the middle with a partner. He's being selfish.

But why would you need to travel to London for a meal if you can get the same meal without too much traveling ?

Why would you need to go to YOUR wife's friends to play mindless board games ?

It doesn't make sense to me.