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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Snobby parents

34 replies

Hateschoolpickup · 12/11/2024 22:13

name changed for this

There is one parent whose dd is in the same class as mine (reception). I see her nearly every time I go and pick my DD up but I never make an effort to speak to her. I did enthusiastically introduced myself on the first day of school but she barely said hi back and clearly didn’t want to engage in a cold manner. Since that day, I have largely ignored her at pick up (we do know who each other are). My dd is the first dd to go to the school and her dd is their 3rd dc to go through the school. If I see other parents or carers I know, I do chat to them in the pick up line and all will engage in small talk

Our DDs are not friends (they went to different nursery prior to reception) but it is a small school with only one class per form..so I was wondering if I should make an effort to speak to her next time or don’t bother? I don’t want to feel snubbed again.

I also wonder is it because it’s her third dc and my first dc to attend the school which has caused the difference in attitude?

As it’s her 3rd dc and she knows the ropes, she has been acting like she is the class rep on our WhatsApp group (there isn’t officially one) and providing sometimes good suggestions and her 2 cents on all matters so I was surprised at being snubbed on the first day as she sounded so enthusiastic in the chat….

just want to hear any other similar experience at the school gate - sometimes I feel a dread to be early to pick up

YABU - I should try and speak to her as our dd are in the same class and will continue to be so for the next couple of years so nothing to lose by being friendly and initiating small talk.

YANBU - don’t bother as she clearly doesn’t care to engage - she could easily have come to speak to me too.

OP posts:
Catsonskis · 12/11/2024 22:34

None of what you described sounds snobby to me. She might just not want to engage that much at drop off or pick up. With 3 kids: get in get them get out!

I would just continue to be your polite and friendly self, if she’s rude she’s rude but no skin off your back!

Beezknees · 12/11/2024 22:38

You don't need to be friends just because your kids are in the same class. I wouldn't bother! I didn't feel the need to speak to people at pick ups just for the sake of it, I only really spoke to DS's friends parents and that wasn't much either.

MyKidsAreTooNoisy · 12/11/2024 22:45

It feels like you are overthinking this. Sounds like you already chat to plenty of the other parents anyway. Why are you so interested in (or bothered by) this mum? I am friendly with lots of parents in my DCs class, but have little idea who about half of them are 🤷‍♀️

DaisyChain505 · 12/11/2024 22:48

I will never understand why people are so set on making friends with every parent in the playground.

your child isn’t friends with every pupil in their class? So why would you be with every adult? It’s natural to gravitate or bond with certain people more.

you’re at the school for 5 minutes in the morning and afternoon, why base so much of your energy and thought around it.

HeddaGarbled · 12/11/2024 22:51

Yeah, I can’t see why you’ve leaped to ‘snobby’ either.

This is what I would do:

  1. Make eye contact
  2. If she looks at you back, smile
  3. If she smiles back, say “hi”

That’s enough.

Smallsalt · 12/11/2024 22:54

I never understood folk worrying about the school gate. I picked up, dropped off, 5 mins out of my day. Wouldn't have known the other parents if I fell over them.

KrisAkabusi · 12/11/2024 22:56

You don't need to be friends. You don't need to have conversations. Smile and say hi if you see her. You don't have to do anything else. Neither does she.

username358 · 12/11/2024 22:57

I think you're giving this way too much headspace. Just be polite and friendly and leave it at that.

SableOrGules · 12/11/2024 22:57

I think you need to look up "snobby" in the dictionary because the definition is not "doesn't want to speak to people at the school gate".

She's probably one of the MN introverts who resents having to engage with other people, ever.

CarrotPencil · 12/11/2024 22:59

You’re overthinking. If it happens it happens. You’ll probably end up chatting at a birthday party etc. You don’t need to decide a plan one way or another whether you’re going to ignore her forever more or not.

Screamingabdabz · 12/11/2024 23:00

She’s not snobby. That’s not what snobby means.

She clearly doesn’t want or need to make friends with you. That’s fine.

The school run is for you to take and pick up your child, nothing more. There is no deep conspiracy. By the time I was on my third crack of the whip I was truly sick of it and just wanted to be in and out as soon as I could. Maybe she’s the same?

Kindly, not everything is about you and your needs.

Ellerby83 · 12/11/2024 23:01

You don't know what was going on in her life that particular day. Maybe she didn't hear you or was distracted. You are overthinking this

(Snobby doesn't mean this issue)

Original poster
Hateschoolpickup · 12/11/2024 23:05

Yes to be fair, I don’t think snobby is the right description (and I did try to edit the subject but unable to).

The parents at our old nursery were all so friendly at pick up (and we are still friends) so I was surprised but you’re right, I am overthinking this.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 12/11/2024 23:05

I also wonder is it because it’s her third dc and my first dc to attend the school which has caused the difference in attitude?

Resounding yes. When my first went through, small school, their cohort was basically all oldest children, with siblings following in pretty much the same years. So we all made friends with our eldest kids and then when the next lots went through maintained that and basically had no capacity for ‘new parent friends’. They were essentially left to make friends with the others where those kids were the first kids at school. None of us liked or disliked those parents as we didn’t know them either way, we weren’t snubbing them out of dislike, we already had an established network.

Original poster
Hateschoolpickup · 12/11/2024 23:09

HoppingPavlova · 12/11/2024 23:05

I also wonder is it because it’s her third dc and my first dc to attend the school which has caused the difference in attitude?

Resounding yes. When my first went through, small school, their cohort was basically all oldest children, with siblings following in pretty much the same years. So we all made friends with our eldest kids and then when the next lots went through maintained that and basically had no capacity for ‘new parent friends’. They were essentially left to make friends with the others where those kids were the first kids at school. None of us liked or disliked those parents as we didn’t know them either way, we weren’t snubbing them out of dislike, we already had an established network.

Thank you, yes I had a feeling this may be the case especially a couple of the children including hers went to the same nursery and the children are friends already.

and now I think about it, most of the people we are close with at our old nursery are also first borns so it does make sense

OP posts:
Rainbowdottie · 12/11/2024 23:10

I'd probably just brightly say hi! And move on. It doesn't need big conversations nor it's it about being friends. At such a small school ,you're bound to cross paths with her at events, parties playdates etc, just be friendly like you would in any passing.

A long time ago for me now, but I was quite enthusiastic when my first child went to school. I wanted to make friends, have playmates for my son, even have a bit of a social life for me with other mums. I couldn't understand the mums who never came to any events or turned down every play date, or didnt come to any mums nights out. When I had my second I realised! I couldn't be bothered with any of it. I was back working, I was busy, I literally wanted to pick up my kids and go. I didn't get there early to have a gossip with the other mums, I didn't even stand with them. Just cba with any of it. I wasn't rude....if someone said hi to me or started a conversation, I was my very nice normal self...but I definitely didn't encourage it. In fact some days ,I'd purposely ring my nan whilst I was in the playground waiting so I didn't do all the things I did with my first sons mums!

I really wouldn't overthink it as much as you are. Maybe on the WhatsApp etc, she's just got more time to answer or she thinks she's just got a valuable experience or insight to share. Maybe she just doesn't like or can't do small talk. I doubt she's even remembered your first meeting ,let alone given it another thought. Just say hi! Be bright and breezy and move on. I knew lots of parents by faces, just saying hi because we made eye contact most mornings and afternoon in the same spot....but we weren't desperate to be friends

Topseyt123 · 12/11/2024 23:13

I don't think she sounds snobby. I think you could be being quite unfair there! Perhaps she just doesn't want to be drawn into endless small talk. She's probably been there and done all of that with all of her older children and isn't really desperate to repeat.

You are waaaay overthinking things. You don't need to be friends with her. You don't need to be friends with all parents of children in your child's class. Just drop off/collect your child, brief civil conversation with others if needed but if not then don't worry. Then just go.

Why does this woman bother you so much. Let it go.

mathanxiety · 13/11/2024 02:12

Some women are dicks.

Concentrate on the nice ones. Ignore the unpleasant one.

MissedItByThisMuch · 13/11/2024 02:30

So you greeted her on the first day and she “barely said hi back” - ie did speak to you but not as effusively as you wanted? Maybe she was anxious/busy/distracted/unwell/worried/thinking about what to have for dinner. You have since “ignored her at pick up” and decided she’s “snobby”. Sounds to me like you are at least as much at fault as she is.

TH1NG1E · 13/11/2024 07:22

You are definitely overthinking. You don't need to be so full on and friendly with anyone just because their child is in the same class. A hello or a smile is fine.

GroovyChick87 · 13/11/2024 07:26

Not everyone is friendly and wants to chat. It's got nothing to do with being parents. We're all different as people. It's not about you.

Vissi · 13/11/2024 07:31

What @HoppingPavlova said. Also, how ‘enthusiastic’ were you when you introduced yourself? Maybe she was just slightly put off by your assumption of instant friendship first day, plus the fact that you now completely ignore her?

Original poster
Hateschoolpickup · 13/11/2024 17:13

Thanks all - saw her again today and smiled at her and she smiled back so that’s a start

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 13/11/2024 17:27

Another day, another paranoid post about “school gate mums”. As PPs have said this is a huge exercise in overthinking. This woman won’t have given this a minute’s thought: where you have extrapolated that she’s a snob is a mystery.

I think people need to take classes in basic social skills and how to navigate the world before their children go to school. The things people get upset over on here in relation to school so off the scale trivial it makes me genuinely concerned about the mental health of the population.

I dont mean this unkindly btw: it genuinely frightens me how many people can’t cope with these incredibly basic interactions. There are posts on here every day like this over literally nothing.

JanefromLondon1 · 13/11/2024 17:36

Oh god, another needy new school mum wanting to be mates. By the time you're on number 3 you're over wanting to be friends with everyone.