Birthday woes

[Firey40]

Oh dear. Feeling deflated on my birthday. AIBU?

Birthdays are not a big thing in my family so I don’t expect masses. Just some effort above the norm, and evidence of pre- planning as a way of showing someone you’re important to them.

My husband of ten years isn’t brilliant at this, but last year was a big birthday so I spent the weeks prior to it making HUGE , OBVIOUS hints about what I wanted (a weekend away with something fun/different planned). He did great, we had a city break at a spa and theatre trip. Wonderful.

This year, he has been flat out with work for weeks, but I just hoped I wouldn’t need to do all the hinting again. So I made just a couple of little mentions, and put it in the shared diary.

He sweetly made breakfast for me and the kids and bought some gifts (bag of coffee, some chutney, a book I like, chocolates) which was lovely.

But our ‘thing to do’ was… go for coffee and a dog walk. That’s it. No babysitter organised for anything tonight, so tonight is just work/kids tea/bed…the usual.

Being the middle aged peri menopausal grump that I probably now am, I haven’t hid my disappointment. I wanted to feel special and I don’t. Not even close. We went for coffee and he picked up on my sour mood, he asked why and I told him I was disappointed. So we came home and didn’t do the dog walk.

I just feel like that’s something we do on any day of the year when we have free time?

He has now sent me an angry message saying most people would love coffee and a dog walk on their birthday. And that I’m making him feel like an arsehole when he’s been working tremendously hard for our family (he has. As have I.)

Ugh. I don’t want to be an expectant spoilt princess… but maybe I am….

(on his birthday, I researched and found a fab pottery cafe in a resort town where we painted all afternoon, it was so fun. Then Organised lunch, a hotel stay (I’d pre planned childcare) dinner and theatre. I wanted him to feel special, I think he did…)

AIBU?

Happy Birthday!

I think he has been a little thoughtless not to organise dinner tonight, at the weekend or even posh ready meal food for this evening.
Coffee and a dog walk is a something but I would be super annoyed that he was defensive not apologetic when you raised your disappointment.
My DH is a bit rubbish with birthdays but even I would not need to cook on the day and there would be a cake.

Thank you ☺️

yes - I just want to have a day off from being the thinking/planning one. I put so much effort into these kinds of things… he probably thinks they just happen…

He’s affronted because he’s tired and I am making no accommodations for that. He manages to be amazing at his job… can I not have some of that brain space? It’s only one day a year

I think you’ve learnt your lesson - he obviously requires you to explicitly state each year what you expect on your birthday, ie. ‘I’d like you to book a meal out please, I’d like a cake and x as a present.’

It’s kinda sad you have to do this but otherwise you’re setting yourself up to be disappointed every year.

Realistically whatever he does today it's kind of ruined now but hopefully it will make him forward plan next time.

Thank you. This is wise

I should know him after all these years shouldn’t I..!

Happy birthday.
I think you're banging your head against a brick wall waiting for thoughtful and well planned evenings out each year. He didn't do nothing this year, he organised the kids' presents, made a nice breakfast and made time for a walk and coffee together. It's not a week at the Ritz, but not nothing.
Next year, book a babysitter and a restaurant/entertainment yourself, but make sure he pays.

I just don't get it, I'm afraid. I actively encourage my husband to ignore my birthday, and we usually go away - separately 😂 It's just embarrassing to be made a fuss of, for the only reason that you're 365 days older. But the OP's husband has remembered, bought gifts, been kind.... and yet the poor guy is still in the wrong?

No no no no no.

So OP has to be responsible for all the mental load associated with their birthday because the DH is incompetent?
And then OH is blamed if the birthday isn't up to their standards because OP should have done better.
#WeaponisedIncompetence
#misogynistic
#victimblaming

Do better.

Better advice would be to know that DH is incompetent, and either accept it or make it known why it hurts so much and what you'd like to see, without the kickbacks and blaming (you always, you never etc) ,

It hurts me because I don't feel like a priority etc.

I’m sorry you’re disappointed OP but I do think you’re being a bit contradictory. You say you don’t want anything huge, just a bit of pre planned effort above the norm. He cooked breakfast for you and gave you presents (presumably got in advance) so that would tick that box imo and I guess does in his mind too! If you want a babysitter and night out I think you need to make that clear, otherwise I wouldn’t think of that.

But happy birthday! Hope you manage to enjoy other bits!

I actually think you do expect masses for someone who thinks they don’t make a big deal out of birthdays. In my book a cake and a card from the kids is “not making a big deal” of a birthday not booking two organised activities, two meals out and a night away all for one occasion. It sounds lovely but it’s hardly low-key!

He made you a nice breakfast, he bought you several gifts that you like and he tried to spend time with you without the kids. For a 41st/51st birthday I’d say that’s actually a reasonable amount of effort from someone who you admit is exhausted and working hard.

Thank you folks, it’s so interesting to see opposing points of view. Much appreciated.

I guess what I hope for is an equal amount of effort from him as I put in for his birthdays every year. This falls a long way short of that.

I don’t think today needs to be spoiled. Have some cake with him, walk the dog etc and ask him to book a restaurant for Saturday night. A fancy one where you can dress up and make a bit of an occasion of it!

In the meantime, order yourself something lovely online!

I'm feeling sorry for the dog. Sulking owners meant the poor thing didn't go on the walk

Its a weekday birthday.. so book something nice to do on Saturday.
Just tell him and that is that.
Yes its a pain to organise it but today and when celebrating is not the time to raise it ( for your own sake)
And buy yourself something nice too!

And then afterwards say , Next year, I would like you to a, b and c... without me having to beg you to do it. That's the key thing.

I’m sorry you didn’t get the birthday you wanted but I’m not sure why people keep on the same patterns. Tell your DH what you want - ie, I’d like to go for dinner on my birthday so can you book it etc. DH and I both do this and we both enjoy our birthdays

Ah, she will be so happy to know you’re looking out for her!

Fear not, she has a very full busy life and got lots of treats in the cafe, she’s the Apple of my eye and knows it :)

I'm more than happy to make my own birthday cake and make plans for the day. I'm pleased people take the time out to spend the day with me.

Happy birthday! I don't understand how he could try and pass off a "dog walk" as some kind of birthday treat. Don't dogs have to be walked every day anyway? And "coffee" is a pretty pathetic birthday treat too, especially after all the thought and effort you put into HIS birthday. I'd be really disappointed and pissed off too OP and I hope your day gets better.

So he spoiled you for a big birthday last year, and then made you breakfast and got you a few little thoughtful gifts this year, but thats not enough? You expected a big night out on a Tuesday when he's working and assume kids are at school?

Come on, be realistic. If you wanted more, you should have told him,

You need to stop dropping hints. You need to tell him what’s required. I’ve made it clear to my family I need a cake with candles, presents to unwrap, and a nice evening meal that I have no part in planning or preparing.

There’s two ways to equalise the effort you and DH put in.

She’s made it known that it hurt her and fell short of her expectations, and his response was ‘I’ve been working really hard and most people would be thankful for a coffee and dog walk.’

He won’t change. She can tell him that it’s upset her till she’s blue in the face. It’s not ‘victim-blaming’, it’s being realistic about what’s going to happen in future years and what she can do to prevent that, if her bday is important to her. Either that or LTB.

You know the sort of birthday celebration he finds acceptable so next year take him to a drive thru Starbucks

Well quite 😆

I think the problem is it's been 10 years and you've never set the expectation for what you want. Instead you've hinted and kept it in and became bitter about it. If you want something ask. At least then you can say you made it clear.

For what it's worth I think the gifts and breakfast and planning a nice coffee date and a walk together sounds lovely. Especially on a weekday. But if you want a big song and dance you need to make that clearer.

My DH swapped things around and we each arrange our own birthdays and it works so well. If my DH wants to watch a show on his birthday he’ll book that and I’ll book a mini break/meal out/whatever I want for mine.
We spend £30 on each other’s present so there’s no chance of one getting socks and the other a diamond watch.
There’s absolutely no disappointment or any chance of not having a fab birthday.