Has this friendship run its course?

[Chattenoire]

I've written about this friend before.

I think we've been friends for 3 years, we met after I posted in a local Facebook group.

Although we don't have a lot in common, we liked each other enough and there was enough "chemistry".

However, this year things changed. We started noticing that her DH will look for ways to NOT split the tabs evenly when going out for example.

Then she decided she'd come to cook for me to celebrate my birthday (I did post about that) I was extremely uncomfortable about the idea, and in the end they came and watched the football (which I totally dislike).

We also looked after their dog and in turn they looked after hours. We hosted their dog while they'd just come and check on ours (it was only for the odd night away) but what they never told is that the neighbours had complained before about our dog being distressed. We thought she was fine. We now have a wonderful dog sitter, but if I had known from the very start our dog was so unhappy we would never have done it.

Then this weekend she came to pop in with minimal notice (10 mins) and when I was telling her about my latest conundrum (which has the full support of my DH) and she just started telling me off. So I feel like I can't be ME around her so to speak.

I'm ND and I have severe attachment issues. I go through phases of really not liking people, so I don't know if I'm going through one. I don't have many friends (just another one who I like and we have more in common) but then that's it.

From a very utilitarian POV I'm concerned about losing the few friends that I have.

Being swindled out of money at dinner, turning up with minimal notice, telling you off in your own house. I would nope out of that pretty quick too.

Honestly, OP, you sound like you struggle with boundaries and clear communication. I remember your thread about a friend who loved to cook, but wanted to come and do it in your house, under the impression she was doing you a favour, whereas you hated the mess etc. You present this friend's acts as if you have no choice in any of them -- the alternative to her not cooking for your birthday in your house is not her watching a football match in your house! Did you not say 'I hate football, and have no intention of watching a football match on my birthday. Let's do X instead'?

You're responsible for your own dog's welfare, and for relations with your neighbours -- if she only dropped in occasionally to check on the dog, presumably she's unlikely to have realised he/she was unhappy?

And surely you can avoid socialising with her DH, if she's your specific friend?

You're the only one who can call time on this friendship I have to say, though, that you don't sound as if there's much liking/respect here. You've listed all the things she does 'wrong' what made you friends with her in the first place? Do you actually, genuinely like her, or, as you say, you want to hold on to any friend you have, because you don't have many?

Sorry unintentional strikethrough.

I actually don't know! And her husband and my DH have become friends too, but my DH totally sees my POV.

What made you think leaving your dog on it's own overnight was ok? That's not ok.

Splitting the bill....what's the back story? Some people having much more expensive things than others? Drinking alcohol vs no alcohol?

When you say she started telling you off...what did she say?

Sounds to me like you need to improve your communication and boundaries and they highlight this in a lot of stressful ways. They sound like they have different approaches to you in terms of money/ time/ goods and how you approach favours and with listening to people etc.

They don't sound like they have much goodwill or generosity of spirit in the way they do things. A bit hard nosed, maybe.

I don't think you need to cut them off entirely but you could scale back the house visits, dog sitting, heart to hearts and just have drinks in the pub paid in rounds? Maybe see them as more acquaintances than friends. Someone you know from the community but aren't incredibly close to.

In future be clearer though. Bills are split or you pay for what you had. Politely refuse if you don't want them in your house cooking.

Well, if she messages you and says 'Are you free for a coffee/drink at the weekend?', does your heart sink or are you pleased at the idea? Do you enjoy her company? If you imagine never hearing from her again, does your heart sink, or do you feel relieved and lightened?

Honestly, you are the only one who can say if there are any benefits to you in continuing the friendship?

I don't think I'd care TBH, but then maybe I would in a week.

The bar tab, well let's say that my DH went to pay our half, and then the server came with the remainder (which was theirs) and obviously it wasn't enough for all of us, but then he suggested to split again.

Did he know your dh had already paid half the bill? Unless your dh said he was going up specifically to pay how would this other bloke know?
As for the dog thing, it's easy to see how your friend didn't know your dog was distressed when no-one was around because your dog would have been fine when she was there

So it was actually your DH who caused the bill splitting issue? Paying for elements before he knew what the bill was?

That sounds like a simple misunderstanding, and certainly not a reason to end a friendship. Plus this was your friend's DH, not your friend. It sounds as if you're looking for reasons to end the friendship.

I think the bar tab was a miss understanding

telling you off is hard to judge without context and details

dog thing seems like miss communication

I would not make hasty decision and be clear with your communication

I think the friendship has absolutely run its course. I understand what you mean about having phases of disliking people etc (could be overwhelm) I get that too. But it sounds more than that to me. Keeping her as a friend, just to "have friends" wouldn't be right. It's ok to only have one or two friends. If you're also ND (you don't say which type but if autism then it's not surprising) and have attachment issues, it's another layer of complication, but don't let that make you feel you're somehow in the wrong.

As someone else said, if you're not excited at the prospect of seeing her, something is wrong. If you really don't want to let go yet, scale back on seeing her drastically and then reassess.

She knew because the neighbours had already complained TO them (and they didn't tell us about it)
And my DH did say he was paying.

Again, though you seem to keep changing your mind about which one of them did the thing that is annoying you -- you say it was your friend's DH who asked to split the bill, and you say 'they' were looking in on your dog, and the neighbour spoke to 'them'' about your dog being distressed. Are you saying they both did every welfare check? That the neighbour spoke to both of them?

Say the bill was £100 plus a tip, let's say £110. What did your DH pay from that?

Did looking in on the dog involve walking it and spending some time with it?

Yes, they came to walk the dog and feed the cat.

The neighbours spoke to BOTH of them on 4 different occasions (with a mix of my friend and her husband). We only knew this after the neighbours told us and we then confirmed with them.

They BOTH knew our dog had been very distressed before they did "look after" her again without telling us. I wish they had told us our dog had been distrsseed.

Yes, I'm mostly autistic with some ADHD thrown in

Does dh not have the ability to speak up and say, "Oh, I've just paid our half, Dave"? Did he just meekly pay half of the friends bill without explaining?

The point is that obviously we had already cleared a good chunk of the bill. Also, because we paid for a bottle of wine. So of a total of £200, we had already paid £130. There was no way we had only consumed £70 between us and my DH did say he went to settle up.

Another time, they halved the bill when they were the only ones that actually ate.

They sound rubbish friends and you should just start limiting contact - if you want to stay in touch with them for some reason. If you want to end the friendship either just completely let it slide or confront them about their behaviours.

But you and your DH have voices. Why don't you just say 'We paid £130 -- the rest is yours' or 'We didn't eat'? Or, to go back to your OP, 'I don't to watch football' or 'It doesn't suit me to have you come round now'?

It just sounds like lots of this is poor, or unclear communication.

Because I didn't want to be "impolite", plus she already knew that I despise football (for example).

We both come from cultures where you "read between the lines" open frank communication is something you do only when really annoyed.

What culture is that 😄 never heard a whole culture be described like that before. OP I get it - mostly ADHD here with some autism - we don't want to lose the few friends we have BUT you do need to insert boundaries - 'no sorry I don't care for football' etc - doesn't have to be bold and brash but does need to be said. I'd probably continue with the friendship but only ever meeting in neutral places and no more favours- more of a lightweight friendship than full on.

Gave similar advice upthread but it seems Op and dh can't or won't speak up thus rendering her Op almost pointless.