Has this friendship run its course?

[Chattenoire]

I've written about this friend before.

I think we've been friends for 3 years, we met after I posted in a local Facebook group.

Although we don't have a lot in common, we liked each other enough and there was enough "chemistry".

However, this year things changed. We started noticing that her DH will look for ways to NOT split the tabs evenly when going out for example.

Then she decided she'd come to cook for me to celebrate my birthday (I did post about that) I was extremely uncomfortable about the idea, and in the end they came and watched the football (which I totally dislike).

We also looked after their dog and in turn they looked after hours. We hosted their dog while they'd just come and check on ours (it was only for the odd night away) but what they never told is that the neighbours had complained before about our dog being distressed. We thought she was fine. We now have a wonderful dog sitter, but if I had known from the very start our dog was so unhappy we would never have done it.

Then this weekend she came to pop in with minimal notice (10 mins) and when I was telling her about my latest conundrum (which has the full support of my DH) and she just started telling me off. So I feel like I can't be ME around her so to speak.

I'm ND and I have severe attachment issues. I go through phases of really not liking people, so I don't know if I'm going through one. I don't have many friends (just another one who I like and we have more in common) but then that's it.

From a very utilitarian POV I'm concerned about losing the few friends that I have.

The woman in question is “pushy”, the husband is a cheeky fucker. They’re both judgemental. And they’re selfish.

Anyone with 2 brain cells to rub together would know a non-football fan would not like to watch football on their birthday. She just ignored your pleas that you made several times over months.

I would give these people no more headspace.

This in spades.
Get rid and make room for new friends in your life - they will come.

It sounds like you don't work together very well. I don't know if a relationship can endure very different communication styles with little flexibility. Personally I tend to avoid people that expect me to read between the lines lot as I'm not good at this.

OP, I suspect I'm older than you as my children are both adults now. I'm also autistic so I find friendships difficult and have done since I was at school.

I currently have 3 friends. 2 are an autistic couple I see probably 2 or 3 times a year and the other is also autistic and I see her probably 2 or 3 times a year too.

I've really tried with friendships. Read a lot on MN to try and understand how NT people think, had autistic friends but it doesn't really work for me. I find that with autistic friends, our traits/needs often clash and I still don't really understand a lot of NT thinking and expectations around friendships.

It ebbs and flows. Sometimes, I have more friends other times I have fewer. My boundaries are very firm now though. Because I know what works for me and what doesn't. I don't hang on to friendships now amd am happy to let them go if they are distressing in any way. I'm also clear about what works for me and what doesn't.

Eg in the bill splitting situation, I'd just be really clear about what I'd paid for and what was their responsibility. I don't 'hint' because I know I don't pick up on hints and prefer people to be clear and direct so I make sire I do that for them too. Some people appreciate it and others don't.

Ultimately, if people.don't enhance each other's lives, they're not friends they're just people who know each other and want someone to socialise with/company. I worry less about having friends and more about my own peace of mind nowadays

Friends should be people you like and enjoy spending time with.

Thank you very much for your kind words, you've basically nailed it.

I think she did enhance my life at some point, but it was the "honeymoon" stage if you like.

The truth is that I now don't feel comfortable confiding in her, so that isn't a friendship, is it?

Again, though, you can't control other people's behaviour, you can only control your own. It was your birthday in your house. It's not clear why you didn't say 'Watching football would my nightmare birthday -- let's do X' but let them show up at your house to watch football.

You also can't control what your friends think of your other friends. If the person does use drugs, or was visibly under the influence when they met, calling them a 'junkie/stoner' is just accurate, surely? I have friends of whom I'm very fond, who simply don't like one another. They experience one another as rude and cold, and I see why, despite me not experiencing either in that way. It's not unusual. People just don't get along.

I'd also say that there are all types of friends. I have some friends I go to the pub with but wouldn't confide in about something personal. I have other longer term friends whom I would trust with private stuff, but might not want to take on a fun night out with a big group. You don't necessarily have to 'end' anything, just see less of this friend.