AIBU to not just be able to 'get on with it'

[NeonPotatos]

DC now out of the house, grown up and I'm trying to separate but at the moment I can't afford to. I don't have a job, my qualifications are out of date. I know it's stupid to have allowed myself to get stuck like this.

I'm on antidepressants, but I don't have the energy to even get out of bed.

I spent a fortnight in France (without him) at my cousin's house, and by the end of it, I almost felt almost myself again. I had all sorts of plans for job hunting, retraining, 'getting my ducks in a row' - but now I'm back home I can't even get out of bed.

I hate him so much. He doesn't hit me or anything like that but I'm angry that I allowed him to waste my life and my youth. He cheated on me years ago and that's when I stopped loving him. He recently said I should 'get over it'. He's right in the sense that if I can't get over it, the marriage needs to end, which I acknowledge, but I just don't have the strength to even take one step forward.

The sensible thing would be to plan, start a fabulous new life. But I just am not even able to get out of bed. Yes, the GP has already increased my dose, changed medications, I've been on this one for more than 9 months. It's the fact that when I was away from him I felt more energetic which tells me it's not purely chemical.

I have a large storage unit full of stuff I would have to sort if I was to leave (because I can't afford the fees) and even that feels like an impossible mountain.

I don't really have close family or friends who could help.

He just pretends everything is ok even though we haven't had sex since before COVID. His choice. And before you ask, I'm not in bad shape, not overweight, I'm of average attractiveness.

Why can't I just 'put on my big girl pants' and get on with finding a job, doing a course, doing therapy, tidy the house, get rid of junk?

Eat the elephant one bite at a time. Don't think about all of those big things. Think about getting out of bed and making a cuppa. Next, maybe a shower. Or maybe that waits for tomorrow. You need to be gentle with yourself while you aren't feeling your strongest.

One step at a time will still get you where you want to go

Thank you

Could you have a bit of a plan of courses you could take, signing up for agency work or job sites? Even the thought might allow you to feel a little better. You went abroad on your own which is brilliant.

I don't feel 'brilliant' - I feel pathetic.

Setting your intentions out here is a great start. You sound lovely and deserve better! Nothing pathetic about you at all, it’s been a rough time.
Make a list, a list of everything, all the baby steps, and do one little thing at a time. Feel proud when you do. You can do this.

How old are dc? Why did you never go back to work, even part time?

Is this really helpful, when OP is feeling very down? It can't be changed and she needs help to move forward rather than focus on the past.

you're not alone, you're not pathetic. separating can be extremely difficult.
do you have supportive family or friends?

I would start small and only do things for yourself.
so, first day would be get out of bed and take a shower.
second day, would be shower plus walk in circle in your garden and listen to birds (or step outside and go up and down street just a few mins).
third day, add on a thing like something you usually enjoy, just for 5 mins

A daily increase in activity focusing on you and taking care of you, with permission to stay in bed the rest of the day. This means stop feeling guilty about not being able to just get on with things. You’re overwhelmed and grieving, give yourself space and time. If bed is where you need to be, then let yourself be there after ticking off the day’s taking care of you goals.

you will gradually build up a momentum.

You're allowed to be super angry and not 'get over it'. Don't let anyone tell you you aren't allowed your anger!

But try and use the anger as fuel and energy. Don't let him absorb the future. I really like the suggestions above - just one small step at a time. Ignore the storage unit for now.
Do one more thing tomorrow than you did today. And then one more the next day. Progress won't always be straightforward or straight up and that's ok.

You sound lovely and you deserve so much more. Give yourself that chance xx

Can you move to France

At one point childcare was more than my wages, then when it was affordable DC had additional needs so I worked school hours. We moved because we couldn't afford where we were. I worked at a call centre but it ground me down. By the. DH was earning enough to cover all our bills. My wages would have been for holidays and extras. We just didn't have any.

My self esteem wasn't great. I interviewed for a few things. Got nowhere. Gave up.

Now we are empty nesters and I can't stand the sight of him.

Maybe deep down you aren't sure about ending your relationship. Could it be inertia because you aren't really sure what you want? You say you hate him, but it's quite impressive to have held onto such a strong emotion all that time. Has he ever tried to make it up to you? I'm not trying to victim blame, but was there a reason that he cheated other than him just being a twat? I wouldn't go down the pill route, they don't work and aren't good for you (been there). Insist to your GP that you won't be fobbed off with prescriptions and want to be put on a waiting list for therapy. There are relatively affordable options out there as well. It will give you clarity of mind and the motivation to leave your partner if that is what you decide is best.
I wanted to give a different opinion, not saying you should stay with him just trying to find the reason for your depression.

@NeonPotatos how is your physical health on a good day how would you describe your fitness level?

Op pls be kind to yourself.

I have a friend in sort of a similar position - she caught her husband cheating by seeing emails between him and another woman, they were planning meetings. I think it broke her heart but four years on they are still in the same apartment but sort of living separate lives. I have subtly asked what her plans are with regards moving out but I've come to the realisation she doesn't havd any plans and doesnt want to move out. Her dh treats her like a wife in some ways by paying the bills and treating her to days and meals out and gifts and seems to love her and regret what he has done. But my friend doesn't see him in a romantic way anymore. So there's a stalemate. I'm not sure I could live in that state of limbo but my friend is proof people do. I don't think she knows what she would do if she moved out and where she would go (from another country).

I'd say average. I can do a 5k half-running, half walking.

NeonPotatos

"At one point childcare was more than my wages, then when it was affordable DC had additional needs so I worked school hours. We moved because we couldn't afford where we were. I worked at a call centre but it ground me down. By the. DH was earning enough to cover all our bills. My wages would have been for holidays and extras. We just didn't have any.

My self esteem wasn't great. I interviewed for a few things. Got nowhere. Gave up.

Now we are empty nesters and I can't stand the sight of him."

@NeonPotatos I totally understand how life can turn out like this, and I was just replying to the poster who asked why you hadn't gone back to work, as I didn't feel it was a helpful thing to post. You absolutely don't owe anyone an explanation about anything in your life.

I feel a lot of sympathy for you and I really hope you can find a way to a better situation for you. All I can suggest is trying to push yourself just a little each day, but without becoming overwhelmed, but I know this is a difficult balance to find. Very best wishes to you for better times in the future 💐

OP depression is hard - start with baby steps and build up. Try and get up and make your bed. Try and eat something nutritious. Have a shower. Walk outside in the fresh air. Visit the library and choose a book. Have a cup of coffee in a cafe. If you can manage one or two of these a day, it will make a difference to how you feel. Be kind to yourself and be proud when you achieve each little thing. Go back to your GP if you feel your meds are not helping - it can take a while to get the right treatment and dosage.

He's never tried to make it up to me. He cheated because he is a generally selfish person and always puts his wants over everyone else's. I think he just got married because it was 'the next step'.

You're right that there's some ambivalence about divorce because I'm from a very conservative family. I don't want to be too specific, but think 'very Catholic, divorce is a sin, no one in our family gets divorced' sort of flavour. Half my extended family are in miserable marriages with alcohol issues, past cheating etc. but everyone just stays unhappily married. I can't spend any longer like that. I know some will cut me off if I divorce. I know better aunt Maude's disapproval, than an unhappy life.

I'm also scared of poverty. Will I really be better off single, in one room, no heating, surviving on lentils. (worst case scenario, but possible)

I could be writing your post @NeonPotatos.

Im in exactly the same position, although have DC still at home.
Always thought I would sort myself over the years and be in a position to go by now.

My depression got so bad I was very ill. Still not great now but not as bad as I was.

Please don't be hard on yourself! Try and stop going over the past and what you should have done differently.
As other posters have said, baby steps. Definitely exercise helps me, even a short walk.
Do you have friends you can speak to? I find my mood is much better if I meet my friend for a while, for a walk or coffee.

Try not look into the future, just slowly concentrate on yourself and doing small things for now. Sending you hugs, I truly know how you feel.

It is overwhelming you. You don't need to do it all in one go, you just need to make a start. That can be get out of bed and get dressed. Then go downstairs. Gradually you can build on it.

If there's no pressure from him, you can start to take small steps forward.

I always had a plan, it gave me something to focus on. You can work it backwards and break it down into small components. The first thing though will be 'get out of bed'. That's where the rest of it starts, it's where I started seven years ago. I am happy now. You can be too. Have faith in yourself, you can do this.

fine.

No. We are not close. We just happen to live about an hour from something touristy. They have stayed at ours three or four times over the years and we have stayed at theirs a couple of times. And I can't speak French fluently.

Thank you.

Absolutely nailed it