AIBU to not just be able to 'get on with it'

[NeonPotatos]

DC now out of the house, grown up and I'm trying to separate but at the moment I can't afford to. I don't have a job, my qualifications are out of date. I know it's stupid to have allowed myself to get stuck like this.

I'm on antidepressants, but I don't have the energy to even get out of bed.

I spent a fortnight in France (without him) at my cousin's house, and by the end of it, I almost felt almost myself again. I had all sorts of plans for job hunting, retraining, 'getting my ducks in a row' - but now I'm back home I can't even get out of bed.

I hate him so much. He doesn't hit me or anything like that but I'm angry that I allowed him to waste my life and my youth. He cheated on me years ago and that's when I stopped loving him. He recently said I should 'get over it'. He's right in the sense that if I can't get over it, the marriage needs to end, which I acknowledge, but I just don't have the strength to even take one step forward.

The sensible thing would be to plan, start a fabulous new life. But I just am not even able to get out of bed. Yes, the GP has already increased my dose, changed medications, I've been on this one for more than 9 months. It's the fact that when I was away from him I felt more energetic which tells me it's not purely chemical.

I have a large storage unit full of stuff I would have to sort if I was to leave (because I can't afford the fees) and even that feels like an impossible mountain.

I don't really have close family or friends who could help.

He just pretends everything is ok even though we haven't had sex since before COVID. His choice. And before you ask, I'm not in bad shape, not overweight, I'm of average attractiveness.

Why can't I just 'put on my big girl pants' and get on with finding a job, doing a course, doing therapy, tidy the house, get rid of junk?

Such a big change is going to be scarey. But say to yourself do I want to go on like this for the next ten or twenty years. You don't. Start moving forward one small step at a time.

Thank you. I have some friends, but I'm sure you can only hear someone moaning about the same thing for so long.

I'm trying to do a volunteer thing that gets me out of bed a couple of days a week. It involves walking, so that helps a bit.

Thanks for all the kind words

Why do you care what your family think? You said you have no close family so who cares. You get one shot at life, you feel you wasted your youth- do you really want to waste the rest of your good years too? You won't be in poverty - presumably there's a house to be sold, half his pension to be had since you're married and you didn't work to raise the kids?? You need to get the fire in your belly- life is too short for this. First thing I'd do is see a solicitor and get as much proof of his savings, pensions etc as you can and talk about divorce with the solicitor and see where you stand. Good luck OP.

I think you did very well waiting until your DC has left home, but I don't see the need to sacrifice the rest of your life for this man, not in this current society where there is no social stigma attached to divorce. A few extended family members cutting you off would be worth the chance at happiness, I think. I am quite conservative myself and don't like to advocate separation but it seems very reasonable in your situation. The other posters are right about taking baby steps. Focus on personal care, getting some therapy lined up and then thinking about finding a job. You wouldn't end up completely destitute, not if you had a universal credit claim open and lived in an area with affordable rent.

What is your financial position? Do you have a joint accout? If you divorced, you should receive 50% of the value of your home and other marital assets, such as his pension pot.

You felt much better after a fortnight away from him in France, even though you are not close to your cousin. Hopefully if you can live separately from him, you will feel better, even on a much reduced income.

I've just seen something that resonates.

When you are feeling low and have no direction in life just concentrate on yourself. Do things to make yourself feel better and slowly things will happen.

Im going to take this advice today and go and have a shower, may even wash my hair! You can do this @NeonPotatos. One step at a time x