To think 'can I let you know nearer the time?' is rude.

[AhBiscuits]

Planning a party for DD. Its at a busy time of year so have given 6 weeks notice. It's an activity and we can only invite 10 kids. We have a list of potential invitees to work down if any of the first choice 10 can't make it. We've had 9 yes responses and 1 'can I let you know nearer the time?'
Either you have something in your diary or you don't. You're either prepared to put it in and forego anything else that comes up or you're not. Surely you should say yes or no and not 'I'll wait and see if there's something else I'd rather do'.
I don't really want to be inviting someone else last minute if she can't make it.

I think if you can't commit, it's got to be a no. When my kids were small, life was wild, "we were in the trenches" with my dh working offshore, I was working and studying, limited family to help out etc but I always made sure my kids got to where they needed to be either by me or grandma. And if I thought for one moment, there was the slightest chance, that my kids couldn't make it or do it, I'd say no because I wouldnt want someone holding a space or another child missing out on a space.

I know life is crazy for everyone but really you either can make it or you can't. On the rare circumstances I'd have to say no...and feel awful about it from my kids POV and the birthday person....I'd ask the birthday person round for tea/playdate on another day.

So just say you can't make it?
Instead of leaving the host hanging

I agree. This response I’d be fine with. Simply replying ‘I’ll let you know nearer the time’ I’d not be impressed

I’d reply to say you need to let the venue know firm numbers for billing and therefor need to know by x date. If she can’t confirm just move into the next invitee.

You need to explain why you can't commit and tell the host you'll understand if they count you out of you're going to say that.

In this instance it is rude, yes.

Yep, agree with this. Awful time of year for a party, sorry OP 😬

You could reply with “if it’s a logistics thing, can we help? With getting her there and back etc”

Perhaps you could give the child a lift or arrange for another parent to take.

They asked a question, you've chosen to take it as assuming they have a better offer.
If you can't wait then just say 'no' in response to the question- no need to over complicate it.
I've had occasion to ask the same question and I haven't wanted to explain to people in advance of my personal circumstances if they can wait. If they can't fair play.

Tell them you will need to confirm numbers and when can they let you know - and you need to know by xx date.

No-one suggested you should.

I think 6 weeks is too much notice for anything except a wedding/big family party requiring travel and people all needing to be free at the same time.

How you have deemed paranoia from that is amazing!

The parent didn't say I can't say yes or no yet as I haven't git my work rota, or I need to check childcare etc..... which most reasonable would do. They have just said I will let you know nearer the time without any indication of what that time may be. That's rude!

Will they have to pay towards the cost? If so, it's definitely understandable

If I didn't have to pay anything, I'd try and get back to you ASAP x

Didn't you give an RSVP date or just say you need to know by x day. There will be another thread soon about being on the B list ( perfectly sensible and practical IMO) .

@LuckysDadsHat

How you have deemed paranoia from that is amazing!
It's paranoia in the sense that you seem to always assume the worse. That people are looking for better options than you. That you are someone who will be discarded if something better comes along. Why are you so convinced that's what people are doing. It's so likely they are unsure for very banal reasons. Not some sly way of using you as a back up plan. Paranoia yes.

The parent didn't say I can't say yes or no yet as I haven't git my work rota, or I need to check childcare etc..... which most reasonable would do. They have just said I will let you know nearer the time without any indication of what that time may be. That's rude!
It's not rude. It's called a conversation. It's quite normal to not give a complete essay about your entire life situation. It's a brief reply that the OP can easily continue if it's not convenient by saying that actually she unfortunately can't hold it open due to the booking requirements and so can wait until 'Friday' but then she'll need to offer the space to someone else.