To think 'can I let you know nearer the time?' is rude.

[AhBiscuits]

Planning a party for DD. Its at a busy time of year so have given 6 weeks notice. It's an activity and we can only invite 10 kids. We have a list of potential invitees to work down if any of the first choice 10 can't make it. We've had 9 yes responses and 1 'can I let you know nearer the time?'
Either you have something in your diary or you don't. You're either prepared to put it in and forego anything else that comes up or you're not. Surely you should say yes or no and not 'I'll wait and see if there's something else I'd rather do'.
I don't really want to be inviting someone else last minute if she can't make it.

I can't predict that far ahead because of kids sports activities. There may be nothing currently scheduled, but between cup matches, knockout rounds, end of year events, etc, there's no way of knowing whether they will be playing that far ahead. And that's only football and one age group.

I don't think it's rude exactly, but certainly inconvenient for you. There could be 101 reasons why, not just "keeping options open in case something better comes along".

For example, if there's illness or a potential terminal situation in the family, heaven forbid, the received wisdom is to keep things normal for kids, but giving a definite yes at this stage might lead to a later cancellation/disappointment.

From your end the "needing numbers" etc is a good way of clearing it up.

I've had to do alot of "can I confirm closer to the time" for things because 9 times out of 10, thanks to frail elderly parents, laying down a solid plan too far in advance almost guarantees a sodding spanner in the works. That said, I do try to confirm or not in enough time not to be a complete twat.

You’ll get a lot of apologists for it but yes, it’s rude. It’s a polite way of saying “Yes, if we don’t get a better offer”.

There are a small number of situations when it could be fine - for example, if you know a family member is visiting at some point during that period don’t know exactly when yet. However, in those circa I would just say that - Granny coming from Australia around that time, not sure when but may be able to if doesn’t land on that weekend. Will check and come back to you ASAP [or] will have to decline on this occasion.

No, it's not rude, they've asked, ignoring the invitation would have been rude, or accepting and not turning up. You can tell them you really need to know by x date and that's that.

It depends if they don’t know if they’re working/ have a lift/ waiting for a hospital appointment etc. it’s more likely to be something like this than ‘we’re waiting to see if they get asked to something else’

Well, if you accept the party invitation they won’t be playing because you’ll have accepted the party invitation?
Or if you’d rather keep yourselves available in case theyre asked to play when the party is on, then do so, by declining the invitation.

I think they should say why rather than just say that as it could be waiting for a better offer or for a genuine reason.

When DD was waiting for her latest operation we knew we'd get a three week notice of it because of things that needed done before it. So there was a couple of things that we had to say "sorry, but we can't confirm anything more than 3 weeks out atm as we may be in London for DDs operation"

Or be honest when asked and say I don't know yet. If that doesn't suit the inviter, then they can also respond honestly and say so. But I don't think there's anything wrong with being truthful in the first place.

Yes but it depends on their individual circumstances. For example I needed to know when BIL and family are visiting from overseas as they are staying with us. It was one weekend or another. Both had to stay open at my end until they confirmed. Now that I know, I have a very clear picture of my calendar so I would be a straight up yes or no. If a friend does this consistently I would be annoyed but not in the scenario you describe.

Perhaps they think you can wait a bit. If you can't then let them know.
To and your thread, no, it's not rude. It's just factual. As others have said it ca be for a while host of things. Not just your suggested scenario of 'something better may come up'.

Family getting back to them about plans they've been trying to organise. Shift rota not out yet. Other plans that came before your invitation that are similarly in limbo waiting for others to confirm.

This is one of those things where context is everything. Personally, if I had to do that I would explain why, "Can I let you know nearer the time - I'm still waiting to hear exactly when my PIL are arriving but it's supposed to be that weekend and that might impact whether or not we can attend".

But I also would NOT assume they realise that if they can't come you'll work down a list. A lot of activities have a minimum number, but the final number can be confirmed just a few days before. So they may well assume that their yes or no is not a big deal.

you need to just explain that you need firmed up numbers as you can't have a late cancellation.

Isn't this why you have an RSVP date?

Wow. You really have limited imagination if you think it's merely that people are looking for the best social offer.

Staff rotas may not be out. They may not know until they know if they are scheduled to work or not.

They may be waiting to find out if other members of their family are free.

There might be 100 reasons someone can't confirm yet that have nothing to do with whether they feel like blessing you with their presence. Are you always this paranoid?

I will reply and let them know that a need a response by X date, it was more just a general point that I think it's rude to leave an invitation hanging. I'd always either say yes or no within a reasonable time frame.

If you'd read the thread you'll see there are lots of reasons people won't be able to commit yet that don't involve waiting for a better offer

She's asked a question - can she let you know nearer the time?

The answer is no.

But much more fun to make a thread and bitch 🤣

It's only reasonable if they phrase it as a question and, more importantly, let you know when they can confirm by. Maybe they don't want to say why if it's a sensitive reason, but without giving you a date then there's no way it isn't rude, no matter what the reason is.

I think if they preface it by saying they’re waiting to hear about annual leave or a solid reason I’d accept it and also ask when they would know. However if it was a general “can I let you know near the time” sounds rude and like you’re waiting for a better offer.

I would give a deadline and explain it is due to deposits etc and that it’s fine if they can’t come.

But I would agree it's rude not to clarify that. Because if you don't say WHY you need to let them know nearer the time, it does look like you're waiting for a better offer.

I don’t see it as “I’ll see if I get a better offer”

I often say this - I have to check because I work shifts and don’t want to say yes if DH/DMIL (who will have the kids) can’t take them for some reason I didn’t know.

and I don’t want to ignore the message until I know - at least I’ve acknowledged it!

The 15th of December! Families have so much going on at that time of year, it may be a real juggle to fit an extra party in. I'd interpret it as "That's a fucking nightmare of a weekend to add in a kid's birthday party, but my DC really likes your DC so we'll try make it work if we can".

Give them a date you need an answer by, but be nice about it.

Everyone's idea of a reasonable time frame is different though. It's still over a month away.

This is why you say on the invite if you need an RSVP by a certain date.

Couldn’t be less rude. She asked if she could let you know nearer the time. It’s SIX weeks away not this weekend. It either is or it isn’t ok by you. But it’s definitely not rude to ask the question. So much drama. And all those saying it is rude, never done shift work? Ridiculous over reaction.
“You either have something in the diary or not” 😂 Not everyone’s life is that simple Op.

I think it’s a bit rude because it’s vague - nearer the time could be in a couple of weeks or it could be the day before, and with parties you need to know numbers to book things. There are lots of good reasons she could have, but without giving a reason it does sound like she’s waiting to see if something better comes up. If she’d been a bit clearer with a timescale and reason then it would’ve been fine.

I’d say I need to know by XX date and then just assume it’s a no and not follow up unless it’s DC’s best friend

It depends. If they’re hedging their bets to see if a better offer comes along then they’re being rude. But if they have prior commitments which may or may not require that day (e.g. they’re waiting for others to firm up plans, are hoping to get tickets for something etc) then I don’t think it’s rude to ask for a grace period.

I don’t think you need to concern yourself with anyone’s reason why. Just give them the benefit of the doubt and make your own plans according to what works for you. If you can give them extra time without causing yourself difficulty, then you might as well. But if you need to confirm numbers, have others you could invite instead, or don’t want to wait any longer then it’s fine just to politely say you need to know firm numbers so would need a quick response.